Reply To: When does it end? (long rant and explicit sad scenarios follow)



Dear Ali,

you are exactly right; it is the silly and insignificant things that unexpectedly trigger the heartbreaking memories. For example, tonight I went to Sainsbury’s. I suddenly stopped outside in a shocked daze as I was coming from a different direction than I usually do for my everyday widow shopping. It was where we used to enter. I hadn’t seen that view in over a year. Where the trolleys are chained together and I saw Tony (figuratively) unlinking one with a pound coin and purposefully steering it into the entrance where we had our shopping routine, our list, plus excited surprise buys.

So to the uninitiated, I looked like a loon, standing stock still, staring at line of Sainsbury’s shopping trolleys.

As a widow, I never unlinked a trolley since Tony died. I use a basket now.

Back to you — The horses were yours… and I am sure Mark was proud to keep the paddock healthy and manage the trees. It’s so insane to me that a man who can do all this — leaves you alone with all this. You were his groundsman.

But you; I feel you need your home — I love the cats are keeping the space ‘warm’ for you, but am heartbroken that all the dogs know Mark is gone. Especially yours. Animals know what’s going on with the owners that care for them unless they are truly feral, I am convinced.

Moving on to non-ferals — I do like that Mark would have liked the fact you’ve chosen the Rat Zapper (I’m a New Yorker — if it kills rats, it must kill mice!) Have you looked at the Multi-Kill model? If you have nesting mice I think you’ll need this! It’s very Tarantino-esque in its description: “Shock-n-Drop setting — ten kills per setting etc, etc”

My Victor Rat Zapper killed seven (!) mice in four days. No evidence of any mice now. Actually it was really weird as they had PLENTY of opportunity to eat anything other that the artisanal oats from the last Hogmanay Tony and I spent together but they all electrocuted themselves (some just twenty minutes after each other — I heard the ‘kill’ sound and then donned gloves — disposed of them quickly) so it seems they all died following the symbolic disposal of (Pied Piper) of Hamlyn’s Oats….

Which model of the Rat Zapper will you use? Which would Mark approve of?

We will make our husbands proud. I strive for this, despite the (ironic?) setbacks. Washing machine I cannot pull out enough to check for the filter — Tony would have helped me. He did when he was alive. Now, I just have to either call someone out, or replace the machine. Life as a widow/woman!
Sometimes we are not as strong as we want — and we rely on builders/servicemen/tradesmen which quite frankly makes me nervous as hell.


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