Reply To: Feeling Lost
Hi Karen x sorry to have been distant again, esp as I find comfort in talking to you – but life is soo exhausting and constantly busy that I never get to my laptop at a reasonable hour – and its the one thing I try to do for me and I still struggle!
Another crazy week has blown by where life just threw some more s#*t at me.
My daughter is teething – which isn’t that bad -but I’ve had little sleep most nights, so not helpful! I’ve also been trying to find tenants for our rental, which was stressful, as It’s the second week with no rent coming in.
Last Saturday night I had my husbands best mates 40th (which threw me into an ultimate low for the following few days) the whole night I kept looking up expecting to see Andrew across the room talking rubbish and having a laugh with his mate. I tried enjoying the night but these social events are soo hard. The room can be full of people you know and love but yip – you feel soo lonely and lost. Nothing is normal or feels right any more. I always try to find positives but wow it’s hard when your heart is constantly aching and you haven’t the arms to hug you that used to make it all feel ok again.
Anyway once I picked myself up from that – I then had the anxiety of another big get together as it was my brother and his fiancee’s joint 30th birthday party this Saturday night (that’s just been) – it went better, but was still hard knowing my Andrew was again not part of another significant event in our lives ….but just to really mess with my emotions, before this Saturday arrived ….I received the news of a person on my step mothers side of the family lost their battle with cancer and passed away. (seriously!!!) He had been fighting to be with his family for the last 5 years. He too was only young, married with 2 children and a really good honest guy. Life is just cruel!!
Sooo not to be a constant depressing person, I do have a little bit of good news to my crazy week -today I signed up a really nice lady up for our rental for the next year – phew and yay! And I spoke with my employer the other day and she has granted me a second year of maternity leave – so I don’t have to stress about work and whether or not I’m ready to go back in the next couple of months. A little weight lifted and some breathing space came my way after this conversation ….then I wanted to do a cartwheel ha ha – as I now get to enjoy being a mum for another year with my baby girl!
After putting Alexis to bed tonight, I was looking at some photos and found a few of my handsome man that I had forgotten about – they make me sad but smile at the same time. It’s all so weird isn’t it – the ups and downs that constantly come and go. I love seeing and being part of my daughters milestones, but always ALWAYS have that ache where I cannot share them with Andrew – I honestly don’t know if this will ever go away and dread the day I have to explain things to Alexis – like what happened to her loving dad and why he cannot be here with us – especially when he wanted to be with great frustration.
How do you get on with the boys? Do they accept this new direction in life or are they struggling like us?
I hope they enjoy your holiday – a bit of sun and family water fun may be good for you too!? The sky consisted of beautiful shades of pink tonight, it was really lovely and warm – I told my sister in law that Andrew was brightening the sky for me and sending me his love, we often used to walk at night and admire the sky or stars if it was late. I think I’m going to try picture it again when I go to bed – I’ve decided I need focus on more happy thoughts as it’s so hard to go the other way.
Chat again soon x HJ x