Reply To: Feeling Lost

#1558

HJ
Participant

Hiya, I have been having issues with my emails as they have not been coming through properly, so I only just found everyone’s messages – I have been missing talking with you all and thought no one had been online!

Kate7 My little Alexis turns one next week.
I’m struggling as there are loads of memories surrounding her special day -and many of them are not so nice, but I’m trying to keep on the positive happy ones and plan a special day for her. It’s hard to look forward to it though when family and friends go on saying things like “you must be excited but I’m sure it’ll be a hard day” and “oh the year has just flown by, oh actually has it gone fast for you or has it dragged on? I’m sure its bittersweet, you know not having Andrew here to celebrate her special day but… blah blah blah” Seriously like I need reminding! And do I really need to answer such questions! I just tell myself………breath, just breath!!
On the positive side of things – I do have a couple of girlfriends who have been amazing to talk with. And…. Alexis is now walking!
She wobbles her wee nappy bum across the room and between the furniture etc. She has such a proud wee face!

The other day she walked up to one of Andrew’s photos on a coffee table and proudly said Dadda and pulled it towards her for a closer look. She then began resting her forehead on his photo and then pulled back, looked at him again and repeatedly said Dad/Dadda/Dad… and then next she was pushing her wee lips on his face to kiss him! It broke my heart but warmed it at the same time, as I love that she recognises his face and knows who he is (kinda) I was actually videoing Alexis walking at the start of this moment, so I have this precious moment to treasure, watch again and share with her when she’s older.

In regards to your 6 month anniversary, feeling lonely and being both parents and the… “happy/ok” person who pretends for others and the “broken/lost/lonely/sad/frustrated/exhausted….” person on the inside – I totally understand. I’m sure many others on here do also, trying to function each day and just do the norm is hard. This widow/sole parent thing is hard! I hate it and still have to pinch and remind myself that yip this is actually real and not a dream. It’s permanent, and that part, that word, oh it grates me every time – because I just wish it wasn’t!

Every month on the 30th, my chest burns more and feels like there’s a heavier weight on it- as it’s another month away from when I was last with my man and another month where he hasn’t been part of our life the new memories and all of the Alexis’ special moments. I really don’t know if it’ll change either, no matter how many years we put in there, 1, 2, 5, 10 etc, I think it’ll still hurt that he’s not here for things and I will always have that ache in my heart where I just want him back here with us.
Joanie – I had someone approach me after 2 months asking “is it getting a little easier now?” I was like what!??? I think I was still in shock then!
You’re right, soo many people just don’t get it 🙁
An array of emotions have been crashing through my head/body ever since we got home from our trip overseas -and regret is a nasty one! I too have been going through a few situations in my head where regret hits me hard. Some memories are coming back clearer and I’m remembering new/diff things. I just wish Andrew could talk to me and answer my worries and ease the stress.

Hi TriciaS -I’m sad to hear of your husband and can imagine that you have been through a lot with the situation you had at hand. I can’t believe already you have people telling you to move on from reliving things and to quit focusing on him! Wow – It is just not possible – there is no switch to flick! He was you’re husband and you had plans! The new…the now…the future…argh it’s all daunting and scary. Also cancer is yuk and the emotional roller coaster and mental images can cause a lot of havoc in ones head. I know how hard it is to remember and focus on the happy times – especially at the early stages of grief – and I’m not even sure when the early stage ends? I feel like I’m still there! xx It has been nearly 11 months for me and sorry to say, but I’m still struggling, especially with horrible memories and finding/remembering our happier ones – and we were together 18 years, so I know there’s plenty of happier memories there somewhere!
But I don’t ever want my husband to fade from my life, so I say talk about yours and as much as you want! xx Surround yourself with those that will help you in keeping your husbands memory alive and help you remember those happy/special times together xx
Sending big hugs HJ xx

Code of Conduct