Friends and clumsy feet.

This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Ali 5 days, 12 hours ago.

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  • #1453

    Ronnie
    Participant

    This is my first time writing on a website and have pretty much got on with things myself but have met a bit if a cross roads.

    I am 39 yrs old and 2 years in to the delights of widowhood. Some aspects have been horrendous, some hilarious, some just down right sad. It has been a new chapter to my life, an interesting and enlightening time to say the least!

    Whilst 2 years have passed i still think of my husband every day and my 5 year old son talk of him or about him most days. This does sound like I haven’t moved on, i have, but i still miss him like mad. He was my best friend. I suppose that is what i miss the most, my best friend who i really could tell anything.

    My oldest friends, friends of 20 years have kind but not hugely supportive but i guess they have busy lives too and their own problems. Some friends suprised me and have really stepped up to the post when i had least expected them to, suprising isn’t it who does and who doesn’t.

    I called a good and old friend who is in the midst of going through a divorce (which has been going on for a year) to see how she was getting on. An hour of her troubles, ex, work, studies and most of all how she has to cope with her child care when her mum is on tap to babysit and ex husband collects them one night a week and every other weekend, what a hard life she was having etc, etc. How we were alike in our hardships. Having spent nearly an hour talking about her, her new boyfriend and her, not ask how i am i did reply with you should be over the moon that your boys have a father to collect them every other weekend. I now feel terrible that i was pulled the widow card but sometimes i feel like i am not allowed to have a little moment, an acknowledgment for what my family have been through. It is probably somewhat self inflicted being tough, a coper and straight forward about life people have assumed i have been sailing through this. Pretty much always a smile on my face and asking how others are people don’t ask me.

    I feel a little like my husband and his memory is slipping out of everyones lives. Becoming a distant memory.

    I do have so many questions of you all but for another post.

    #1454

    Jenny K
    Participant

    Hi Ronnie,
    Well done for posting here, you will find support from people who really do understand. We certainly know the difference between being bereaved and being divorced – I have done both.

    It is sad that your friend didn’t think to ask how you and your children were coping, but I am afraid that over the years since I lost Ken I have come across many such people.

    Remember you can always come here for support, I credit MW and all the wonderful people here for getting me through the awful early years.

    Jenny K xx

    #1455

    Ali
    Participant

    Hello Ronnie
    I am so sorry that you are also in this world that none of us ever imagined we would be in. I do love the shared knowledge that this site provides…but it always saddens me when a new name appears because you know the pain that person has suffered to be here.

    You have summed up brilliantly the surprising way some friends react….and I have certainly been surprised both by the people who have excelled and the ones that have not got a clue!! In many ways I find myself becoming increasingly selfish because I do focus on the friends that have been there for me…and I am putting no effort in to tolerating the ones who haven’t. I am not the same person I was when Mark was alive and I figure that my true friends have worked that out….and are happy for me to be the person I am now. Don’t feel terrible for pulling the widow card…there is no comparison between a death and a divorce…and you are quite entitled to hope that a friend would acknowledge what you, and your family, have been through!! We had no choice in this!!

    It is not only friends that have clumsy feet. I have had the most awful year with my family as well. At times I really struggle to believe some of the things that have been said and done over the last twelve months…by the people who are supposed to care about you the most. I don’t know if they know what they have done…but I do know I will never be able to forgive or forget.

    Like you, Mark was the love of my life, my best friend and soulmate. I also worry that, as time passes, it feels like his memory is fading out of people’s minds. I know people have to move on and life goes on…but it seems so unfair that he is no longer here to be part of that process. I am not quite sure how it will all work out….I talk about him a lot so I hope that helps… but I am also aware that he was far more important to me than he was to anyone else. Like so many things on this horrendous journey…nothing is easy!!

    Take care
    Ali x

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