Today I’m feeling rather philosophical. Maybe that’s what happens when you reach 40 - maybe you suddenly stop thinking about what to cook for supper and start thinking about string theory. String theory is far more interesting than spaghetti carbonara, but my children do find it rather more difficult to digest.

I feel altogether wonderful, and not a bit like you’re supposed to feel when you reach middle age. Maybe the meaning of life is gifted to you on the morning of your 40th birthday, along with the first white hair in a place that white hairs really oughtn’t to be. Shocking as it was, I think it was God’s way of getting my attention. Maybe he was telling me, ‘Don’t look down; there’s nothing new to see. Look up, look about you and learn to appreciate all the wondrous gifts that life has bestowed upon you.’ And I do appreciate them, I really do. It’s an old cliché about life beginning at 40, but for me the first week of my fortieth year was one of life-altering significance. It’s all a bit surreal at the moment, but let me explain…

I have been aware for some time now that that there has been a whole lot of good karma coming my way. In the last two years many hundreds of people have written to thank me for the site, and for writing to them when they have asked for my help. I don’t do any of this for money or publicity and I don’t expect any gratitude; I try to give my strength to people who need it, and I do so in the hope that eventually every person who writes from the depths of despair will one day see a way out of the darkness and into the light. It may sound unbearably simplistic and cloying, but there’s no doubt that helping others has become the focus of my life, and I know I’m a better person for it. Part of me hoped that my work on this website would lead to something good happening to me somewhere down the line, but I wasn’t holding my breath.

Having recently finished a book based on this website, I was fully expecting the same struggle that I’d had with my first book. But a couple of months ago I received an e-mail that would change my life. It came from the offices of Random House and was written by an editorial director who seemed to be expressing a genuine interest in my new book. I was completely flabbergasted that a publisher would get in touch with me, because as far as I know, publishers just don’t do that sort of thing with unknown writers. I didn’t really hold out much hope of anything coming of it, but how wrong I was. This week, two days after my 40th birthday, I agreed to have my book published by Vermillion (an imprint of Random House), and it should be in the shops next June.

I’m still trying to figure out how it all came about. I didn’t have to write any letters, I didn’t have to get down on my knees and beg. It is, without doubt, the most miraculous thing that’s ever happened to me.

It is a wondrous thing to know that after years of struggle, my heart’s desire has been handed to me on a plate. And it’s not just good news for me, it’s hopefully good news to all those widows and widowers who are desperate for help in overcoming their grief. I hope my new book will help them, and I would like to thank all those people who have been kind enough to contribute to it.

And finally, I would like to thank the young man in the offices of Vermillion who heard me on Radio Five Live, and told his boss to take a look at my website. I have yet to thank him personally, but for now I just want him to know that he’s made a middle-aged woman very, very happy..


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