Sometimes, in my more thoughtful moments, I look back on the events of the last forty years and think how wondrous it is that I have lived a life so rich and full. My life has been full of love and laughter, and the warmth that I now derive from the company of my friends and the love of my children nullifies any thoughts of loss and regret. I look on my life as an adventure, a journey that takes me to wonderful places and allows me to meet people who enrich and expand my view of the world. I have been to hell, and I can’t say I liked it much. I have been in a pit of despair so black and hopeless that I thought I would never claw my way out. But six years on, I am standing on a moss-covered rock, solid and soft beneath my feet and I can see for miles. I often wonder what it is that allows me to feel and see so many beautiful things, to know and love so many wonderful people, and the only explanation I can come up with is that I now go through life with an open heart. People can see exactly who I am, and whilst many of them don’t much care for what they see, some good souls decide that it may be worth getting to know the woman with the scary eyes and the dirty laugh.

Gregg and Sharon, the couple that I met on the ranch last year have proved to be more than just holiday acquaintances. We have become firm friends over the last year, with weekly ‘phone calls and numerous e-mails to reduce the miles between us; Sharon and I are so mentally attuned that she can return my driest aside without even missing a beat; there are very few English people who can do that, but to find an American with such a firm grasp of irony is like finding a pearl in a pot of fish paste. Gregg is equally dry, and is a kind and generous man - not only did he put up with us at Christmas, he even asked if we would like to come out again this summer. What was I going to say? “No, I don’t fancy California - I think I’d rather go back to the Dangerous Beach Hotel for another exciting night with an over familiar cockroach.’

So here we are, sitting in the sun. Alice is in the Jacuzzi with the Hartman’s daughter, Erica, and Rosie is glued to the side of their son Jordan. It’s really not such a bad life, and I know I’m always bleating on about how lucky I am, but I really do believe that somebody up there is looking out for me. I could just have easily have formed a friendship with a carpet salesman from Lincoln, Nebraska, or a family of Seven Day Adventists from Kansas. I could have spent Sunday in church with a group of bored again Christians, but instead I spent it on the beach.

We had an unforgettable day, blasting around on jet skis. I started out cautiously at first, but became bolder as I learned to handle the rip-snorting aqua beast beneath me; soon I was hurling the jet ski around like a pro, two children clinging on behind me as we raced and jumped over the waves. The children thought they were having a good time, but the adults were the ones with the biggest smiles on their faces when we returned to the beach at the end of each trip.

The day was filled with wonderment. We cruised slowly around a buoy near the entrance to Ventura harbour. The buoy was draped with the recumbent bodies of a dozen sunbathing seals; around and around we went, as the seals raced and jumped in the water all about us. Later in the day we chanced upon a pod of dolphins, and I have to say that the experience of being so close to such beautiful creatures left me awe-struck. Alice and Rosie had a day like no other day in their lives, and I hope they never forget it.
It’s strange to consider that I spent so long thinking, ‘Why me?’ I spent so long wondering why I was the one who had to suffer the loss of one of the loveliest men on God’s earth. But sometimes it is only by losing everything that you learn to truly value what you have. Life has opened up for me in ways I could never have imagined; death has given me something precious, just as it will give to you.

I still don’t know why Gregg and Sharon tolerate me, but they do. Charlie would have loved it here, in this palm fringed oasis of tranquillity, but I’m sure he’s watching down and smiling right now. He can see Rosie swimming in the pool and he could see the joy on the face of his baby Alice as she watched a dolphin swim right beneath her feet.

Life is good, friends are precious and opportunity stretches out before me like a winding, tree-lined lane, going on and on into the far distance. Sometimes I walk in the shade and sometimes I have the sun on my face, but always I walk with the knowledge that each sun-dappled step is bringing me closer to understanding myself, and those around me. I can’t see what lies at the end of the road, but I know that all I have to do is keep on going forward, keep on being true to myself and my friends, and keep loving life. And I do. I love my life.


© Kate Boydell 2004. All rights reserved. e-mail: [email protected]. Close window.