Today I have been prompted to put down my steam iron and address an issue that has recently been raised on the message board. The issue concerns a principle that is fundamental to me; it is one of the cornerstones on which this site was first based, and is something about which I feel passionately.
When I was first researching this site, I looked at other web site for widows, and all I could find were sites festooned with flying cherubs, mawkish poems written ‘from heaven’ by dead husbands, and books with titles such as, ’50 Ways to Love Your Leaver.’ This is not what I wanted for my fledgling site, and so I came up with something which I thought would appeal to people like me; people who had suddenly found themselves at the bottom of a pit with only a broken ladder and a damp box of matches for company. In my mind, a flying cherub isn’t much good in such situations, and I believed I had knowledge that would help others in a practical and positive way. I felt compelled to spread the message that the foundation of my recovery lay in an innate and unshakable self-belief, and a realisation that the only way a person will fully recover from grief is by experiencing fully, the pain of loss, and by directing the mind in a positive way.

In the first year of bereavement the pressure to seek help from chemical stabilisers is intense. Of course your G.P. will be happy to prescribe Prozac, because it ticks a nice little box and frees up the waiting room. Prozac will make you feel better and you may well think that you are happier and more rational whilst taking it. But what if there was no such thing as an anti-depressant? What if you only had yourself, a broken ladder and a damp box of matches? What would you do then? Would you give up, curl into a ball and die? Or would you stand up, look death in the eye and say, ‘I’m not letting you beat me. I’m not going down without a fight’

I believe with all my heart that we are possessed of everything we need to survive a traumatic loss. I believe that the human brain contains chemical stabilisers and opiates more powerful than anything Eli Lilly could concoct in a sterile lab. I believe absolutely that the power of positive thought can alter our physical environment. So am I a bit touched? I am a being overly simplistic and completely unrealistic? Well, that’s up to you to decide, just as it’s up to you to decide whether to unscrew the lid of that bottle of pills. It’s tempting, isn’t it? Because you will start to feel happier about things, and not everybody is as strong as Kate Boydell, now are they? Believe in the bottle, so you don’t have to believe in yourself. Take the pills every day so you can face the world, and be reassured by your doctor that they will do you no lasting harm. If you really think you need those pills, then my writing is not going to carry enough weight to convince you otherwise. But if a pill can restore the equilibrium in your mind, don’t you think that you yourself are equally well equipped to tip the balance?

I don’t think any of us is fully aware of the power that lies within the human brain; and because some people will always advocate the ease and simplicity of taking anti-depressants, many of us ignore the fundamental principles of self-help. If you are looking for a graphic and powerful illustration of the positive effects of self-belief in the face of almost impossible odds, just try watching the film, ‘Touching the Void.’

Many climbers would have given up, knowing that they were trapped in a deep, dark, freezing crevasse, but Joe Simpson refused to die, and somehow managed to pull himself out of the dark pit and find his way off the mountain. He survived, not by reaching into his rucksack and pulling out a couple of tabs of Prozac, but because he refused to let the mountain beat him. He had an unassailable belief that he would survive, he set himself goals, and on the completion of each one, set himself the next. If he’d looked at the big picture, he’d almost certainly have lost the will to go on, but because he addressed each task in turn, he was able to ignore the searing pain from his shattered leg, travel over several miles of unbearably harsh terrain without food or water, and eventually reach safety.

His is an exceptional story, but it does serve to underline the basic principle that I am advocating. Trust in yourself and in your ability to survive your loss. If you feel wholly negative, and remain fixed in the same thought patterns, then no new pathways will be formed within your brain. and you will remain in stasis . But, if you make yourself think positive thoughts, and make a conscious decision to break free of depressive tendencies, you can alter the way you feel. If you allow yourself to laugh, your brain will manufacture neuropeptides (chemical messengers) that will alter your mood in a positive fashion, prompting changes in your body relating to appetite and immune function, and ultimately, bringing about changes in your physical environment.

Laughter is a fantastic remedy, and I would advocate the benefits of watching a really good comedy over any kind of drug. Basically, I can bang on about this all day, but my message is really very simple. Think yourself happy. Laugh; feel; live, and escape from that pit, because you know you have it in you to do it.

There is a ladder in your mind, so use it.