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Topic: I knew it couldn't last!
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Ruth
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I knew it couldn't last!
I had a run of 4 good/bearable days but I'm down with a crash tonight. Big argument with my son who can't understand the depths of my grief. He's 21 tomorrow and I had tried to make this a good weekend but I guess I failed, I'm just not able to fill the space of 2 parents while actually only feeling like a fraction of a parent.
I really hate this new lonely life.
Posted on 16/10/2011 at 21:09 |
Sharon (Shadow)
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Re: I knew it couldn't last!
Ruth
I feel for you so much. I really relate to you as you seem to be in a similar position to me. I am a year ahead of you though. I too had my middle son's 21st a couple of months after husband died. It's so hard. I think we have our own grief and take on theirs as well. It is so unfair that they lost their dad when they still need him so much and got on with him so well.
You are doing all you can so just hold on for another bearable day. I have just had a few weeks of being in the depths and even felt suicidal all last week. The feeling is beginning to lift again and I have a meeting with counsellor tomorrow which I hope will help me
I don't know how to help you but want you to hold on to the thought that you will find some respite again at some point. I don't know how to hurry it though. I really don't understand what determines whether it will be a bearable day with hope, or just the opposite.
Hold on Ruth and a big hug to you. x
Posted on 16/10/2011 at 21:57 |
Gerry
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Re: I knew it couldn't last!
Dear Ruth-I'm really sorry you had a disagreement with your son but I'm sure the emotions must be running fast in your house what with what's happened to Pat and then it being a BIG birthday for your son and no Dad there to celebrate with. Perhaps this was bound to happen in the circumstances and maybe now it's about how you both recover from it.
You sound like such a loving and sensitive person from your posts I'm sure it will get sorted.
It doesn't take much to send us down on the rollercoaster of grief so don't beat yourself up about being down there. You will come up again and be stronger for it. I'm afraid this is the way it is for now.
Not sure this is much of a comfort for you but know I'm thinking about you and wishing you well xxxxxxxxxx
Posted on 16/10/2011 at 23:03 |
Suzanne A.
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Re: I knew it couldn't last!
Hello Ruth,
Sorry you tried so hard with your son this weekend and it does not seem to you like it worked but maybe it isn't as bad as it seems. When he has a chance to think more about it, he will know how hard you tried.
That's all you can do just keep trying and it is very difficult. I understand your lonliness and frustration over trying to do it all by yourself. It will get easier as time goes by. Your son will find it so too. He may even be able to understand your feelings as he grows older. Being 21 has all of it's own problems in addition to his grief.
I know I keep saying it will get better, but trust me that it does. Once in a while (for me it was today too) what I call trigger days still creep in and throw us off balance but at this point the best thing is that we know the road will even out again. We still look forward to a better tomorrow.
I know that the stage you are in right now, you can't bear to even think about tomorrow.
Thinking of you
Posted on 16/10/2011 at 23:52 |
Hazel P
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Re: I knew it couldn't last!
Oh Ruth!
after having such a memorable weekend too! Maybe the pressure of the weekend has cumulated in such an effect that emotions were so high on everybody's part. I know exactly how these things effect us, as it was our daughters 21st last month, and it was memorable in a way that we could cope with, but the pressure of making it be "special" for her was enormous. I have arguments with my youngest daughter often, always about same things we did before all this, so I think its going to be inevitable with adults living in the same house with different opinions and values. Wish I coud control my emotions with my youngest, she has always been able to "push my buttons".
But take care of you and love to all xxxxxx
Posted on 17/10/2011 at 17:32 |
