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| Author |
Topic: Thoughts
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Gaynor
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Thoughts
John took my breath away the moment we met and the moment he died. I struggle to believe he’s gone, that he’ll never walk through the door again, and hold me.
How do I describe my grief? What words are adequate to explain this horrendous ache, the constant pain with no physical sign? How can you, who have never felt this loss, even begin to understand how I feel?
Imagine. Just take some time to feel this. Waking every morning knowing the leaden cloak of grief is still suffocating you. Imagine not being able to shake it off, no matter what you do. The cloak is there, stifling any chance you have at happiness. The cloak grips your heart in its folds and reminds you every second, every minute, every hour of just how much you’ve lost.
This person you see, this shell of what I was, is empty. You see only what you want to see, that I run a business, manage my household, look after my children, see friends. Where has that strong, independent, confident woman disappeared? This automaton that is left merely functions through necessity not desire.
Desire, craving, longing, to be held so close I can hear his heartbeat, breathe in his smell, listen to the sound of his voice resonate in his chest. How can I accept that all of that has gone and that man that took my breath away is gone, forever?
Anger. I have such a ball of fury welling up inside me. I’m angry at the world, I’m angry that the world didn’t stop when my life ended. How can everyone carry on as normal when I have suffered such a catastrophic loss? When do I get my breathing space? How dare people chat to me about their plans as couples, discussing anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, milestones, achievements? Don’t they realise how it hurts? The hurt squeezes my chest as I put on my fake smile and act like I’m happy. Why don’t they know?
Guilt prods at my thoughts every minute of every day, leering at me, bringing me down. Guilt that I didn’t spend more time with John when he was dying, that I couldn’t bear to watch him in pain, that I didn’t say the right things, do the right things, was weak when he needed me to be strong. Guilt that I’m failing as a mother, sister, daughter, friend.
‘Time is a great healer’ – careless clichés, meaningless words – how bizarre that others actually think they help. But, then again, what does help? What is the answer when my future has disappeared? While John was still breathing, we were together, we still had plans, and we existed for each other. What now? What do I do now? Can you answer that question?
Posted on 02/02/2012 at 12:35 |
Cass
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Re: Thoughts
Sadly not as I'm in exactly the same position as you.
We can only plod through each day & night hoping that one day we'll wake up without tears in our eyes & this terrible feeling of having lost the only reason for living will lessen in time.
Take care,
Love,
Cass xx
Posted on 02/02/2012 at 13:28 |
JL
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Re: Thoughts
Gaynor, I couldnt have put it more succinctly its so hard - more pain than any human should have to stand.
I wish we could convey this to the rest of the world, so they would at least understand our living hell.
The common perception is that we somehow 'recover'. But we are left to make sense of a world in which we dont want to belong to.
Hang on in there please, it does improve. It's just never the same again.
One piece of advice I was given early on is try not to feel guilty, we have enough to deal with and our lost love ones wouldnt want that. Whatever the circumstances we all did our best for them. That love will never diminish or change.
Sending you love and hope.
xxx
Posted on 02/02/2012 at 17:38 |
Sarah P
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Re: Thoughts
Gaynor, so beautifully put, you have been so frank about how grief makes us feel. Thankyou for making me feel less alone. Wishing you well. Sarah P
Posted on 02/02/2012 at 18:22 |
Sarah P
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Re: Thoughts
Sorry to say well, I should of phrased that differently, sorry. Sarah P
Posted on 02/02/2012 at 18:25 |
Gail
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Re: Thoughts
Gaynor
I know that what you are going through is extremely difficult as I am going through it myself, however they way I think is that we have 2 choices. One is we feel upset and depressed and lonely every day. The other option is that we try to make the most of our lives. You have family, friends and great memories. Try to be grateful for these things and try to enjoy your life again as I`m sure that is what your husband would have wanted. Take care.
Posted on 02/02/2012 at 19:32 |
Karen
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Re: Thoughts
Hi Gaynor, so well put, can relate unfortunately to it all. I had someone ask me the other day if i was ok now? He was 50 when he passed away in May and i was 49 and he was my only love, i was 16 and he was almost 18 when we met. I felt like saying what do you think but we smile and carry on. Dont know how sometimes though x
Posted on 02/02/2012 at 21:27 |
Hazel
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Re: Thoughts
Gaynor,
Please don't be to hard on yourself guilt is an aful thing , we all look back and wish we'd done this that or the other and you can truly drive yourself mad with it.
we all I'm sure know what your going through because we all feel it and nobody else can begin to imagine how it feels.
For me it's sink or swim and I have to choose the swimming option for the sake of my 3 young boys, I am not going to let their little lives be destroyed, I want them to be happy heathly and as balanced as they can be, and that is all down to me now. Sometimes I need to stop and tread water for a bit but them I start to swim again.
keep going, we are all with you, love to all tonight and everynight
Hazel
xx
Posted on 02/02/2012 at 22:32 |
Anon
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Re: Thoughts
GAYNOR.
I applaud you for your honesty. Widow of almost 10 years can tell you, it can't get any worse but people around you just don't get it.
Lots of Love
M
Posted on 05/02/2012 at 23:04 |
Anon
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Re: Thoughts
GAYNOR.
I applaud you for your honesty. Widow of almost 10 years can tell you, it can't get any worse but people around you just don't get it.
Lots of Love
M
Posted on 05/02/2012 at 23:04 |
