D.I.Y – The Other Sort
It is impossible to talk about the trials and tribulations of being a young widow without touching upon the rather delicate matter of sexual release. The simple fact of it is that women reach their sexual peak in their mid- thirties, which by some perverse twist of fate is exactly the time that many of us are widowed.
In an ideal world we would be able to go out and find a new partner, but being widowed in your thirties presents you with something of a problem. You are now too old to know many single men and too young to know many divorcees. That leaves married men, and I think they should be left well alone.
If you are lucky enough to meet a man when you have regained your sanity and your self-confidence, then that is fantastic. You will probably have the best sex you have ever had, buy a lovely house together and live happily ever after.
If not, if you cannot find a suitable partner, then you will be presented with something of a dilemma. You will have thrown away all your old knickers and invested in lovely new underwear, with the expectation that you will find a man to appreciate it – and what?
Nothing, that’s what.
All you have is a drawer full of pants and an empty diary, so what do you do now?
Well, let’s approach this methodically. You are a normal, healthy woman with a woman’s needs. You have the following options:
A. Hire a male escort
B. Join a dating agency and hope that you meet a nice man before you become bankrupt.
C. Answer a lonely-hearts advert in your local paper.
D. Pick somebody up in a bar.
E. Buy a device that will alleviate your sexual frustration.
I think a woman has to be pretty desperate to hire a male escort. Firstly, they are extremely expensive. Secondly, have you seen the type of man who works as an escort? Thirdly, if you did sleep with an escort, imagine how desperate, lonely, and possibly very itchy you would feel when he left you the next morning.
Dating agencies have potential, but they can be really expensive.
Lonely- hearts adverts in local papers are certainly an option; they are cheap, easy and undemanding. You might meet prince charming, but you might just as easily meet his ugly brother.
Picking somebody up in the bar has an element of danger that some may find exciting, so does wrestling a pit-bull, but I wouldn’t recommend either to a vulnerable widow.
And last but not least – that thing; that device; that unmentionable horror – the power tool.
There, I’ve said it.
You know you shouldn’t have to resort to such measures, after all you were attractive-enough to find a perfectly nice husband. So what are you now? Desperate, that’s what.
Other than sitting on your washing machine during a spin cycle or finding an enthusiastic and willing, licky Labrador, there are not many other ways of finding sexual release for a woman in your position.
There, I’ve said it again.
Purchasing such a device is never easy, and I can’t think of anything worse for a widow than walking into a sex shop full of sad men and giggling girls, shopping for their hen-night. You could try an Ann Summers party, but by far the easiest and most discreet way of finding what you are looking for is to buy over the Internet.
Now, to save you the effort of trawling through zillions of porno/sex shop web sites, I have consulted my friends and a popular choice seems to be Lovehoney.co.uk
They seem to have a huge range, and your order comes discreetly wrapped so your postman will be none the wiser.
I’m not going to say any more on this subject because I feel that a woman’s ladyparts are her own private kingdom, but I do hope that you will find something to put a smile on your face – preferably something that doesn’t have an economy wash or a waggy tail – but hey, if it makes you happy then who cares…