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Topic: So Lonely
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Sandra
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So Lonely
Hi Everyone, I am at 16 weeks and feel so lonely without my darling P. We should have been going away this weekend walking with some friends, instead I am sitting at home trying to stop cying and so some housework. I feel so lonely without him and miss him so much. He was my life and the days seem endless without him now.
I feel exactly the same way as the lady who posted yesterday life doesn't seem worth going on. I have 3 lovely children who are wonderful to me and feel guilty for thinking like this,
Sorry to go on but I feel very sad today.
Posted on 15/05/2009 at 12:22 |
Pauline in France
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Re: So Lonely
Sandra, I understand how you feel. I've spent more of my life on my own than with someone--but I've never felt lonely til now.
Deep inside me I know I have to do something about the feelings of isolation--and there's only me to do that. Just not sure how to do it at the moment.
It is still very early days for you. I found at 4 months the shock was wearing off.
it's only "sticking platers" I know, but is there something nice you can do for yourself today? even if it's coffee/tea/cream cakes with a friend, it is one nice thing that happens in the day.
Posted on 15/05/2009 at 12:48 |
Fiona
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Re: So Lonely
Hello Sandra
I too feel the same - I am at 15 wks this Sunday and the loneliness is awful not having them here to touch and talk too - like you I cant imagine my life anymore - I have 2 boyz 19 & 15 and it is hard for them too.
Its like a really bad dream that unfortuneatley isnt a dream anymore its beginning to feel like reality which I know it is but its accepting it which is really hard.
Posted on 15/05/2009 at 13:26 |
BETTE
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Re: So Lonely
your feelings are ,and have been echoed so often on here, not an isolated case Sandra, , looking back i truly never thought Id feel different, but have to say somehow the days are more bearable now, lonely yes indeed, but finding I quite happy times, have a good family, am fit enough, and some of the friends on m.w. make it much less lonesome. We even get to have a few good laughs due to the odd ones whose sense of humour is infectious. need to put a front on for our kids, in time that front will become a reality, we can do it, together we will. be strong , love Bette
Posted on 15/05/2009 at 14:05 |
Juliette
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Re: So Lonely
Hi Sandra,I feel exactly like you but I am 21 months.I don't mean to scare you but I haven't felt like time is a healer at all.I too have spent most of my adult life alone,something people cannot believe as I am quite bubbly and attractive (I'm told).I was only married for 8 years and now,here we go again back on the single tread mill.I have 2 young children and adore them but it doesn't feel like enough.Friends come out with statements that are aimed at making me feel better but make me feel 100 times worse.My only comfort is I know that other people are going through the same thing
Posted on 15/05/2009 at 14:52 |
Laraine
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Re: So Lonely
Hi Sandra,
you will feel like this and sadly it is perfectly natural. This is your grief spilling out. Follow all the advice you get on here, and take things a step at a time. My children were 10 adn 12 when their daddy died and I had to go on for their sakes. And, I am glad I did. It is just short of 14 months for me now and there is light at the end of the tunnel, but it does take time to come through.
You will probably be sick and tired of hearing us all say this, but you will gradually feel better about things.
As Bette has said to you, we have to put a front on for the children, but that will, in its turn, help your recovery too.
Take care of yourself and keep on reading here and posting too if you feel upto it.
Lots of love
Laraine xx
Posted on 15/05/2009 at 16:06 |
Berni
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Re: So Lonely
Hi Sandra, I agree with Pauline that at 4 months i found the numbness was wearing off and the reality of it all started seeping in. Its just awful beyond belief isnt it. When people say take one day at a time it really is the best way to get through this nightmare and not thinking ahead. I remember on numerous occasions thinking i couldn't go through another day even though i have two kids in their mid-teens, but i did. Its 7 1/2 months for me now and even though i fall into the pit of despair now and then i at least know now that it wont last as it really does hit in waves.
We all find our own way of coping but i don't think there is anything any of us can do about the lonely feelings we have as we have lost such an immense part of our lives.
Keep reading and posting as i find it really does help.
Take care
love Berni D x
Posted on 15/05/2009 at 16:27 |
anne
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Re: So Lonely
I'm 14 weeks on Saturday and agree with how lonely it is. I keep trying to be positive but it is for others sake. I want to feel better, but have such a hole in my life I just time fill and attempt to distract myself. I know what I had was immense, so I miss it immensely, and the memories are not enough, I wanted more. My empathy is with you x
Posted on 15/05/2009 at 17:12 |
Suzanne
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Re: So Lonely
Dear Sandra, I think that I am that person that you are referring to who said that I didn't want to go on. Well, a funny thing happened...after I had posted, I felt better.I had been in such a dark place, that I thought that I just couldn't cope anymore.I have 2 lovely girls too but, that doesn't stop me feeling woeful, and as I have said to some people along the way,"when I am talking about Stephen, it is about HIM and NOT the 2 girls".People say things like I must go on for the sake of the 2 girls....hello....I am going on for the sake of the 2 girls...that does not alleviate the pain of losing Stephen.This is to tell you I am thinking of you and sending a big hug from Australia.
Posted on 15/05/2009 at 19:52 |
Jane D
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Re: So Lonely
Hello sandra,
just wanted to reach out across cyber space to send you love and support. I'm just a few weeks ahead of you at 6 months but I share your pain and can hear your sadness. I'm so sorry you feel so low. Someone here a few weeks ago following a desperate post i made, advised me just to endure it when the pain was great and she promised it would pass... hold on Sandra, buy kate's book and keep posting here.
Fiona, you've really hit the nail on the head there. For me, the hardest time to date was about 5 months when i stopped feeling like I was functioning in a semi, hypnotic dream state and realised THIS was sodding reality. The impact is like a train hitting you in the chest.
Posted on 15/05/2009 at 22:42 |
Alison
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Re: So Lonely
Hi Sandra, I know exactly how you feel too, it is 7 wks today for me and Im sitting here alone at the computer on a Friday night, thinking I just dont want to do this anymore. Every day is the same, keep going for the children and then everynight is the same too. Put the girls to bed then sit here at the computer, light a cigarette, maybe have a drink and be all alone. I miss Tony so badly and I sometimes feel like Im drowning the pain is so bad. I cant and wont even contemplate my future at the moment, I think that would finish me off if I did. Like Juliette people say what they think is the right thing but words never make it any easier. Literally the only thing what keeps me going at times is knowing Im not alone in going through this, and neither are you hun. We are all here in this dark place with you
Alison xx
Posted on 15/05/2009 at 23:10 |
barbara
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Re: So Lonely
Dear Sandra,
oh how I know what you are feeling!
How I wish there was something to stop this awful emptyness and lonliness. All I can do is send you a hug. Please take care of yourself xx
Posted on 16/05/2009 at 07:57 |
Marcia
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It's hitting me now.
I am at seven weeks and have just come back from a week on the beach with my daughter.
It was the right thing to do, since I had time to think, but it was so painful, since R so loved the sea. Everyday, I went there, spoke to him and cried. The image of him waving at me from a pontoon on our last holiday was there constantly. I felt overwhelmed by the need to know where he was. I don't really know what I believe in terms of heaven, afterlife etc. etc,, but I can't bear the thought that he has just gone and that there is nothing when before there was this fantastic, vibrant, noisy bear of a man who loved me so much. Because his face pops into my head all the time, and usually makes me smile, without me having to conjour him up, I tell myself that he is with me and that is his way of communicating with me. That may be bullshit, or wishful thinking, but I don't know.
He had been ill for a year with a recurrence of his cancer and for the six months before we knew it was back, he had become a different person (he had a brain tumour). So in real terms I lost him, or most of him 18 months before he died, so I did do a lot of grieving in advance. But I remember him as we was, 2 or 3 years ago and I miss him so much and am so very lonely, despite having my kids, a fantastic immediate family and a some truly loving and loyal friends.
The time is passing so slowly - I want it to fly because time must surely be a great healer as they say.
But all the pain and fear of the last 16 years is now back with me in my memories- he was ill when I married him and had a number of recurrences, before 5 years of remission. The horror of his last 6 months has hit me like a train. At the time, after I did unimaginable things like changing his nappies and feeding him I couldn't understand how I was able to do it without falling apart. I told one friend that I was "coasting along on shock". I was so right. But I don't want those memories. I don't want to think about the helpless incontinent "baby" that he became because that denigrates the real him.
I am sorry to go on - but I am facing a pretty grim weekend. My13 year old will be away at a sleepover and it will just be me and by 15 year old, who is disabled and needs 24 hour care (from me, I usually have weekend help, but not today). I have an appointment with my brilliant counsellor on Monday morning, but will have to cancel it because there is so much crap I need to sort out at home - expired car insurance, cock ups at work etc. I therefore have no one else I can whinge to apart from this site.
Posted on 16/05/2009 at 08:27 |
