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Topic: Spare part
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Hurt and sad
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Spare part
Its happening to me now - I am the "spare part" in the family. My in-laws just want the kids and I am just a nuisance now. They are not bothered about me at all. Makes me sad and lonely. Never thought they would do that. Is it common to widows and widowers?
Posted on 02/01/2007 at 20:10 |
Sue
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Re: Spare part
I could have written your exact words! Totally off their agenda - and the boys are only partly on it. Came to the funeral on 24 November and haven't seen them since. Have had about half a dozen phone calls from his parents, one from his brother the night he died, a few cards from extended family and NOTHING else.
Lovely aren't they?
Still - as my mother says it absolves me of any responsibility towards them.
You are not alone!
Sue
Posted on 02/01/2007 at 20:22 |
vivienne
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Re: Spare part
Again exactly how I feel at this time. Maybe it helps them to cope by trying to keep away from us. I am in my 19th month of widowhood and I am often left out of family gatherings as I represent the 3rd wheel so to speek, it happened at xmas when my sister failed to invite me over yet my brother and wife were !!!
Good luck to the b******s I say.
Take care, Vivienne.
Posted on 02/01/2007 at 21:40 |
Eve
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Re: Spare part
Nothing surprises me with in laws.
I have not seen my in laws since my husbands funeral in July 2005. They did not even come back to the house to see my young children after the funeral.
Since then I have had a few horrible phone calls, and a few months ago I broke off all contact with them. I do not regret this at all, it is the best thing I have ever done.
His so called Mother is a witch, and his Father is from Hell, or maybe I should say going to Hell.
My in laws hurt my husband so much when he was alive, and now want everything to be OK and for me to forgive them.....
NO CHANCE!!!!!!!!!
Bet you can tell that I am still angry!
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 00:03 |
Lorraine
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Re: Spare part
Sorry to hear about your in-laws. Some of which you could put down to them grieving? Maybe? Some maybe don't know what to do or say? Or what help they can offer? Who knows it's not always black and white. But I suppose a simple call to check how you are is easy enough to do.
I have been lucky, not a day goes by when my in-laws (brothers, sisters, and mum in law) have not called texted or popped around. There great don't get me wrong but sometimes I just want to chill and not have to entertain or speak on the phone for an hour. But I think I'd rather have it this way than no contact after all they are my childrens family too.
I do hope things improve for you, maybe you could write a letter to let them know how you feel? This is the last thing you probably want to do or have to do, but it may help. Good luck
Take care
Lorraine x
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 03:53 |
anon
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Re: Spare part
you are definately not alone on this.Mine made life difficult for me after the funeral,they were the only ones allowed to grieve & if anybody showed sympathy for me,it was not on.comments were made by his mum like,"she's young & can get on with life"They show very little interest in my son & never offer to help wiht him.People who are selfish in grief are usually that way to begin wih.
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 05:51 |
Sue
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Re: Spare part
Lorraine,
You give good advice but I already tried the letter idea at the beginning of December. I deliberately avoided anything that might be accusatory/hurtful and kept it purely to how I was feeling, what Ian meant to me etc etc (and kept tweaking it over a few days to make absolutely sure) and they still came back - to my father - complaining that it was an attempt to hurt them, how upset they were etc.
As anon says if people are selfish in grief they are usually that way to begin with - they were and caused both Ian and me a lot of sadness.
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 09:01 |
Dawn
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Re: Spare part
Hi Everyone,
And here was me thinking that it was just my in-laws and his family that were the most horrible people on the planet!!
After our wedding day 4 months ago his mum stopped speaking to him and his brother told him to his face 'you are not my brother no more and i dishone you' but like a fool when jase passed away i tried to keep them up to date with funeral arrangments and wanted them to have a say in what happened (not that they bothered too) then before the funeral they wanted there car sending to a friends house to pick them up and would not go from mine, then not one of his entire family spoke to me all day! no sorry for the loss of your husband or the funeral arrangments were nice. Nothing, nothing at all it was like i wasnt even there.
Jase's dad did say sorry and did come to my house before and he is a genuine person. The only thing that gets me through that is the thought that they couldnt speak to me because they are so guilty with how they treated him and they must know i know exactly what Jase thought of them and how they made him feel.
At first i was mad that they didnt even offer to help me out with the arrangments or with the cost (as i am still paying my wedding off) but now im glad i havent had a penny. Jase and i were so happy and in love before he died and thats how i can live with myself and they cant!
So try and hold your head up high or you will end up bitter like them and we are better than that.
[email protected]
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 10:58 |
Lorraine
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Re: Spare part
Sue
Thats a shame but I suppose it's their loss. All you can do is leave to door shightly ajar for them and then if your willing to except, open it if they change there mind. Your probably better off without them if this is their response to your terrible loss
Take care
Lorraine x
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 18:15 |
Fiona
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Re: Spare part
I know exactly how you feel - I've only seen my brother-in-law a couple of times since the funeral. For around 6 weeks after I buried Billy, I was constantly getting calls from the sister-in-law in how she thought she was going to die as she was getting pains - I suffered this every night. My husband died of a heart attack - what planet was she on.....my hurt was ever the more deeper for her insensitive phone calls.
My kids haven't seen any of their cousins or aunts and uncles even after all their promises of this and that......but guess what....it's the in-laws loss not ours!
So yes I do know how to be a spare part but I'm glad for it.
Thank God for my own family...they're the ones who have stood by me and my kids when we needed them.
Take care
Fiona xx
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 19:49 |
Faith
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Re: Spare part
Please don't feel alone.
Death does tend to bring out the worst in some, especially the self-centered.
My mother-in-law is a total witch, who did little to help with our three children, after my husband died. While I was working full-time, and raising three young kids, she lived nearby with her husband, my husband's stepfather.
She was retired, but always going off on vacations, and always too busy to help. When I asked her for help, she became angry, and accused me of treating her like a "servant".
So now she and I act like a divorced couple, who have the three kids still in common. She spends little time with them, but I no longer permit her to cancel plans with them at a moment's notice, disappointing and hurting them. I don't call her, don't ask her for any help, and ignore any birthdays or anything else.
She is much more polite to me now than she has ever been. As a widow, I am learning to treat jerks like they deserve, even when they are boyfriends or family.
Call a jerk a jerk, and treat him or her as such. The truth will set you free.
Love
Posted on 04/01/2007 at 00:43 |
Carol
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Re: Spare part
Have no idea why this problem arise with in-laws,but it seems to be a universal thing!
My husbands eldest brother didn't even send a card for my sons 18th birhtday! I received a Christmas card without our names written - just the from .... - which I put straight in the dustbin!!!
Who needs that kind of in-laws?
On the other hand my husbands youngest siser and her hubby have been absolutely wonderful, but I have to say that out of them all they are the only ones I am still in contact with.
In the awful circumstances we find ourselves in here we truly do find out who our friends are.
Posted on 04/01/2007 at 00:55 |
