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Topic: How can I help my daughter?
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Theresa
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How can I help my daughter?
My daugher's husband died a few days before Christmas. She has two tiny children and was already being treated for depression and anxiety. She is trying very hard to cope and does go out shopping with the children but today she had a real low and I know this will not be a one-off. I have suggested she try writing to others on forums. Not sure if she will. However, I wondered if anyone could tell me anything which they have found helpful and what they would have appreciated from relatives but has not happened.
Thank you.
Theresa
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 00:40 |
Martin
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Re: How can I help my daughter?
Hi Theresa,
Your daughter needs help and support from as many people as possible, mainly to deal with the daily things so she can deal with her grief. The depression will probabley deepen if she is already being treated and I hope her Gp is very aware. Your daughter should take a look here and see what is going on with others like her, to reinforce that she is not alone in doing this as there are many of us. You didn't say how old she is, but I'm guessing she's young compared to most of us here. She need not post here until she feels up to it, but in time I hope she will. Look for posts from "Zoe" as she is only 21 and with 3 children has endured this journey.
You are obviousley very caring in posting this message, and your daughter needs it and much more until she gets sorted.
M
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 00:57 |
Grant
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Re: How can I help my daughter?
Here are a few ideas.
- The day to day grind is pretty bad, particularly meal times. With little ones she’s probably not feeding herself. I would prepare instant “ding microwave†food for her in single sized portions. And keep doing it unless she asks you to stop.
- Find out the level of interference she wants, does she want you to come in once a week and clean the bathrooms or will that be a pain, because she will have to clean them before you arrive. (not untypical for cleaners)
- Tiredness is overwhelming when you have toddlers, so I would think to take the kids for the afternoon, 2 or 3 days a week, on the same days so her life can form some kind of routine.
- Be there so she can have a drink or tea, don’t forget to clear up and put things away. Something as simple as emptying the dishwasher can make a huge difference.
- Check all the time, you are still Mum and will have boundaries you can cross and she’ll say “it’s fine†when it is not. Try and get to a point where she can tell you.
- Make things easier not more difficult. Don’t put out table cloths to make the place look better, it makes it more difficult because you can’t just wipe that surface and the kids will spill food on it.
- Get her a beautiful A4 book journal with plain pages and a pen and that is for her own deepest feelings, drawings, scratching and anything else no one will read it. I have found writing just before going bed allows me to sleep better. I have a blog, but I don't write everything on there. It is something I write as if I am telling a friend, not a very close friend.
- Speak to her friends and find out is there something that they know you are doing that is working or not working.
- I think look at yourself as if you are her friend and not her mum. The mum thing can be a pain sometimes. Although having you to hug for your mum is wonderful.
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 07:49 |
Jane D
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Re: How can I help my daughter?
What a lovely mum you are!
In the early days I couldn't bear to be alone. Maybe others disagree, some people might want to be left in peace. Ask her what she wants. If she knows that you are there for her, that you will look after the children, that she can call on you whenever she needs help, in whatever form that takes.
I was also very grateful for the help that my brothers-in-law gave me with all the stuff that Richard used to do. I manage most things myself now, but needed to be shown how to check the car etc. They also made the house secure for me, security lights, gate etc. Things that were never an issue before. Just knowing that someone was there was the best thing.
Lastly, I found this site and the chatroom to be my salvation. Just knowing that I was not the only widow in the world under the age of 90!! We give eachother support when needed, advice if we know the answers, a shoulder to cry on, and last, but not least, we even manage a little giggle from time to time!
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 09:18 |
JaneR
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Re: How can I help my daughter?
Hi Teresa, as Martin says, see if she wants to have a look on here, she doesn't have to post, it will help her just to know all the thoughts she is having in her head are normal. Buy her a copy of Kate Boydell's book, it has helped so many of us on here. My kids were 4 and 8 when my husband died 15 months ago from a quick aggressive cancer. And although my 8 year old went back to school quickly, I needed space from my 4 year old so I could just sit at home, by myself and have a good scream, cry, punch some pillows and let it all out. My mum used to come and get her and do something nice with her, so I didn't feel guilty for not being with her, and could just concentrate on myself. Help her with cleaning (if she wants it). After the funeral and everyone had returned back to their own lives I went on a manic spring clean binge just to keep me busy - my brain couldn't cope with what had actually happened and cleaning was something I knew I could be in control of. Saying that, I recall taking down all the slat blinds in my house and deciding to clean each slat idividually, to find I would start and then in the middle go off and clean something else, and then come back to the slats and cry because I couldn't cope with all that work - my mum, dad and sister had to come over and clean them for me because I couldn't put them back up dirty but all of a sudden had lost the energy that had started my project!
She may well be functioning enough to get the groceries, but be aware she will bump into people there who will give her looks as if "My God, her husband only died last week and she is getting groceries!!!! Shock horror!" People forget we need to eat. Also be aware that grocery shopping in itself can be absolute nightmare, going to automatically pick up their favourite beer, or picking up cheese that only they eat .... it can reduce you to a bumbling mess in an aisle with everyone staring at you!
Walking beaches helped me with the depression, exercise raises the serotonin (spelt it wrong I think) levels, so if you can get her out for a walk with the kids and you, it all helps.
The food idea, meals on wheels ... is really good - I used to just about be able to get food on the table for the kids - I used to eat a meal myself properly once a week when Mum used to invite us over for a roast dinner, it was also good to get out of our house, which was like my hidy hole.
For the future, most of her friends are going to stop phoning her after about a month - people think you are over the worst of it by then which is absolute rubbish and they no longer know what to say. It has happened to nearly all of us on here, so be aware of it for her.
And, most importantly I think, around the 5-10 month area, there is what we all call on here a "6 month low", it is when reality really sets in that "This is my new life and I hate it - I can't cope with it anymore" - it is the most depressing time ever - with suicidal thoughts and feelings of just not being able to cope with the most basic of things. Please remember that one for the future, it is when the shock has worn off, and everything is just too much to cope with.
Please tell her she is most welcome to join us on here, and that we are thinking of her.
Take care xx
PS: Please be aware that we tend to take out our grief on people we know will stand by us through thick and thin - that means you mum - she may be angry and say some horrible things to you - we don't mean them. You take care too. xx
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 10:53 |
Cheryl
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Re: How can I help my daughter?
Everyone needs a caring mother like you, I am lucky, I have one. I was 38 when my husband died at 43 in August 2005, we have 3 children who were 4,7 and 9 at the time.
I found the hardest thing to do was to ask for help, especially for the menial tasks, I felt I should have been able to cope with everything, boy was I wrong. I found it hard to cook meals, so a few friends came over and between us we made many meals and put them in the freezer.
The best thing I could have ever done was to read Kate's book "Death...and how to survive it".
However it is so new and raw for your daughter, her children and you that just listening to her will help her. Lots of hugs and just being there.
Take care xx
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 13:28 |
Sylvia
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Re: How can I help my daughter?
My mother says all she can do is listen. When she really does listen then she is right. (She tends to try to give advice and make caring suggestions, when all I really want is to rant and cry and have someone at the other end not be judgemental of my complaints.) I also feel that as we are all different it has got to be us who find the answers ourselves - so again not too much advice unless specifically asked for. 2 suggestions though: This is hard enough w/o depression, so make sure she sees her GP and that she is cared for in that way. Can they get her to a counsellor? Etc. And second, mum, take the little ones off her hands when you can. My own son is now 15 and I still feel awful when I cry in front of him. I can't be false to myself, so I've got to do the crying bit. But I feel guilty that I'm burdening him with my tears, when they are just a natural flow of sadness. So time to myself is a gift. With a 15 year old that happens automatically, but w/ tiny ones, it may be that much harder. Hug her, love her, let her moan and scream and be unreasonable. What she's going through is unreasonable too!
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 16:12 |
JWa
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Re: How can I help my daughter?
Just be there for her. I am coming up to 12 months soon and have two older children. I'm also being treated for depression.My mum died whilst I was a teenager and she never had the pleasure of meeting my family! Even last week after 26 years did I cry and wish my mum was here for me! I tend to "adopt" mums but there's no one like your own.
Take care love to you and your daughter
xx
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 17:19 |
JaneR
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Re: How can I help my daughter?
Note to JWa
Hi JWa, just read your post about adopting mums and it took me right back to my husband. His mum died when he was a teenager, and I remember a lady at his work when he was about 19 who was fantastic, and then in later years - another lady who even now keeps in contact with me, who was so good to him. As you say, nothing is as good as your real mum, who he was very close to, but these 2 special ladies in his life helped him in some way. I guess I'm posting really just so you know that someone else who lost their mum in their teens, has done the same. Take care xx
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 18:16 |
judith
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Re: How can I help my daughter?
Dear Theresa,
Your post struck a chord with me.
You desperately want to help but you don't know how.You are very worried about her mental health and have doubts about how she will cope.
If I could just say that please don't let your daughter see your doubts. That would only add to her burden. Make sure you let her know that you believe in her and want to help her in any way you can. Make sure she is in charge. I didn't want people to take over, I wanted help on my own terms. She may not cope in the way you think she should but as long as she copes in her own way, support her in that.Be on her side and show confidence in her.
I surprised myself and everyone in how well I have coped. I have 3 children all under 10 w2hen it happened over a year ago. Drastic circumstances bring out the best in people and sahe is very likely to do very well.
I didn't use this site until I was about 3.5 months on so don't hurry her at all.
All the best to your whole family.
Posted on 03/01/2007 at 23:19 |
Carol
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Re: How can I help my daughter?
Hi Theresa
After my husband died my Mum stayed with me and my 2 children for several weeks. She helped with shopping, ironing, washing,etc and other stuff that needed to be done, but most of all my Mum was 'there'. She was my shoulder to cry on, my someone to talk to, my rock, she knew how it felt to be widowed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is just be there for your daughter and when she's ready tell her about ths site - it has helped me enormously.
Keep strong and look after yourself too - not only has your daughter lost her husband, you have also lost a son-in-law.
Posted on 04/01/2007 at 00:41 |
Jim
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Re: How can I help my daughter?
A mother's love and care to the best of her abilities is a wonderful start and all the other things too.
please print some postings off and share them if you can with your daughter---
Tell her we are all holding out our arms to welcome her here (((Hugs)))) and we will look after her.
Jim
Posted on 04/01/2007 at 17:17 |
adrienne
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Re: How can I help my daughter?
hello teresa,
company, but not invasive company I would say (but yes, we are all VERY different) someone to talk to, someone to help with the tiny children and let her sleep.
I just got back from 10 day christmas holidays staying with my parents. As I live abroad I have either extreme, NO ONE (other than my 3 yo son) or parents staying with me for often a few weeks. Neither is ideal. But iam now at somewhere between 19 and 22mths (gave up counting) and coping, okay for most of the time. This post has me bawling however as i realise the isolation.
Teresa, I would try to talk to her friends and other people in the family who should/could help. Friends really do give up quickly and offers of help often sound hollow (if they are not followed up by pracital help). I think your daughter might need different people around her, different people who can understand her different moods, emotions and needs. Someoone who can do practical stuff in the house (me and my mum are too short to change the light bulbs and useless with a drill), someone to take her out for a drink/coffee. someone (as many people as possible) to babysit (or genuinely offer). Someone to help with paperwork/taxes/benefits/bills etc. someone to go to doctors or lawyers visits with. And perhaps you can encourage the various people not to give up in their offers of support. an email/text message/msg on answer machine every day is enough for your daughter to understand the people who truely care for her and her children and who she feels she can trust to ask for help. Asking for help is the hardest thing to do. EVER. when someone tells her they are too busy, she wont ask them again.
I thinkone of the best things you could do is to try to communicate your daughters needs (and importantly, when she doesnt want anyone) to a good support network.
Posted on 04/01/2007 at 21:49 |
