|
|
| Author |
Topic: A pang of guilt
|
Serene
|
A pang of guilt
Tony died 12 weeks today and this morning I decided that it was time to change the bedding only because his smell was slowly disappearing from everything. Rather than use the spare bedding set that was ours, I treated myself to a new duvet cover and matching curtains from ASDA. I washed and tumble dried the new covers etc and it's taken me all afternoon to swap it around. I have been in floods of tears as a result and feel that I'm betraying him by removing another symbol of our life together. I casually mentioned it to my Mum when she rang and she told me not to be so stupid as it was only material. It's not though and despite being a widow herself who's since remarried, I can't make her see this. Just had to unload somewhere and thanks for letting me do so.
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 14:57 |
Christine
|
Re: A pang of guilt
Serene..the bedding Mike and I last slept on together 11 months ago is still unwashed and rolled up in a pillowcase in my wardrobe..for all the reasons you describe. Read back a few months and you'll find a few posts on just this subject.
Don't worry what people think...you do it your way babe...if they have a problem its theirs not yours....
Christine x
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 15:09 |
Steve M.
|
Re: A pang of guilt
Dear Serene,
My daughter and daughter in law changed the bed clothes when I came back from the hospital so I had no decision to make. The last nightdress that Marie slept in at home is on my bed all the time though and wild horses would not drag it from me. I think on this road we have to take comfort from wherever we can and no one can tell us how to feel. When our soul mate dies the love for them doesn't and that is what makes this journey so hard. I have a chair in the kitchen that has been in our family since time began and Marie always sat in it. When I look at it now it might as well have a noen sign on it saying "Marie is missing." Consequently I usually eat with a tray on my lap in the living room.
Please take care of yourself and do whatever makes you feel better.
Best Wishes.
Steve M.
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 16:59 |
nicola c
|
Re: A pang of guilt
hi Serene, i know what you mean hun, i decorated our living room, threw out cushions and everything but it did make me feel slightly better to be honest. Sometimes you just can't hang on to the past as much as you want to. But i did feel guilty too, i kept thinking here's me getting the house all nice and your not here to see it. But they are always with us and in our hearts. (18 weeks on) Take care nicola xx
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 18:23 |
Carly
|
Re: A pang of guilt
I know that pang of guilt very well.
Several times i've come across it so far and thats why kevs clothes are still in the wardrobe, and his coke bottle is still in the fridge.
I too have the last duvet set he slept in and his pillow wrapped in black bags currently in my wardrobe. I love the smell of them and so keep it wrapped well.
To make myself do things that need doing, i think about what kev would say if i didnt change the sheets or clean the fridge out. He'd want me to try and carry on.
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 18:48 |
Carrie
|
Re: A pang of guilt
Hi Serene,
I just did the same thing, I didn't buy new, but took the courage to remove his pillowcase and the quilt cover and wash them (5 weeks after he'd gone) but I'd previously been sleeping with his dressing gown and found that to be a comfort, so it didn't feel so bad to change. My daughter (8) has a handkercheif sprayed with his aftershave under her pillow and I have that too, it helps. Maybe it would help you too?
Take care Carrie X
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 22:11 |
Anne
|
Re: A pang of guilt
I too didn't change the sheets for ages after my man died. That was almost 6 years ago now, so I don't remember how long they were on for. This year the dates for everything fall on the same day, which makes everything sharp in my memory again. He would have been 45 last Saturday, and I could tell you exactly where we were to celebrate his 39th birthday on that Saturday in 2001. Less than 5 weeks later he went to work and never came home. He had a road accident in the evening, on his way home. On that day I had been out and bought new bedroom curtains and put them up to surprise him. He never saw them. Now they have faded in the sun but I hesitate to change them as I hung them during the last afternoon of his life. I think we need to hang on to anything that invokes strong memories, and we need to hold on to whatever we can of the ones we loved. It is difficult to let go, but it is part of moving on. Time doesn't stand still however hard it is to believe that the world can carry on without him. As for the sheets: can you imagine how they would smell after 6 years!?
Take Care
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 23:07 |
Julie S
|
Re: A pang of guilt
Hi, have just read your post about the bed linen. While my husband was in the hospital and hospice I was quite happy to sleep in the same sheets and duvet. It felt comforting, as if he was still here. After he died, however, I just found it too upsetting. I bought all new bed linen, decorated the bedroom and even bought a new bed. That might sound really awful to some of you but I didn't view it as getting rid of memories, I still have loads of them, I just did it for my own sanity. I just simply couldn't bear the thought of sleeping in the bed knowing he would never be there with me again. It was just more difficult than I could cope with. I hope that makes sense. I loved him very much and still have all his other possessions round the house, (except for clothes) even after three years.
If it would make you feel better, put the old duvet cover back on. Take any comfort you can and do whatever feels right for you. We are all different.
Posted on 30/03/2007 at 13:17 |
