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Topic: is my daughter ok?
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nicola casey
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is my daughter ok?
hi all, my husband died 18 weeks ago aged 30 - heart attack and my new born son died 3 weeks later after 5 days in this world of heart problems. I have a 2 year old wee girl who is not talking much yet so i cant really explain to her where her daddy has gone. I try so hard to keep her wee life as normal as possible but she must feel this enormous void too. She appears to be ok but i just dont know what. Are there any warning signs i should look out for? Thank you xx
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 18:43 |
nicola casey
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Re: is my daughter ok?
sorry me again! must have deleted a line. meant to say I dont know what her capacity to understand this is. can anyone give me advice. thanks xx
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 18:46 |
clare
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Re: is my daughter ok?
Hi Nicola
I'm not sure this will help but here goes.
I've found being open and honest is the best answer. My husband died when my son was 20 months, i told him Daddy had died and gone to heaven, When he was 2 1/2 i added in he had a poorly head (died of brain tumour) the later explained he had something growing in his head that the doctors couldnt make better, At each stage he has asked more questions (he is 5 next week) and i have tried to give him as much info as possible.
Recently i had to explain to him that Mummy had a baby before him who died (stillborn on due date) as his ashed are buried with my hussband and had to tell son before he could read. Again he hasked a couple of questions at the time, some more a few weeks later (ie what colour skin did he have - not sure that came from?!!)
Personally i've found if I answer his questions as directly as he asks them he accepts it.
Take care of both x
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 18:59 |
Andrea M
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Re: is my daughter ok?
Nicola my heart goes out to you what a lot you have had to endure!
I would suggest that you seek professional advice for both of you. Perhaps begin with your GP and see if you can be referred to someone who may be able to see you and your daughter together.
In the meantime it sounds as though you are on the right lines. She needs her life to be as routine and consistent as possible. Have photos of your husband and baby son around and mention them in your conversation. I think young children somehow absorb things that we think they do not understand. But do get advice about how you talk to her. Important thing is not to let her see you are worried about her.
I do hope you have family and friends around you at this time and that you are looking after yourself.
lots of love
Andrea
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 19:08 |
Andrea S
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Re: is my daughter ok?
Hi there nichola
Firstly so sorry to hear about your husband and baby son
I am at same stage as you 17 week tomorrow since mt husband died I think you answered one of my posts(another bad day) anyway i do sympathise with you
I found this site that may be able to help you
www.beyondindigo.com
it has some things on dealing with childrens grief and what to expect at certain ages with them ie how much they understand about death etc I found it very helpful post and let us know how you get on
sending a hug
Andrea S
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 19:40 |
Lisa
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Re: is my daughter ok?
Hi Nicola,
I am so sorry to hear your story. My beloved died 5 months ago, leaving me with a one year old and a three and a half year old.
My little boy was too young to really know what was going on and has continued to be the gloriously happy thing he always was.
I found being very honest with my daughter was the best way forward. She asks questions from time to time (Matt died from pancreatic cancer - too big a thing to describe to a wee girl), and when she doesn't want to talk about it she tells me so.
I didn't think that counselling would be of much use for her now, I have discovered that little children are shockingly resilient and seem to get used a new normality way faster than adults do. Maybe in the future it is something to consider, but I am hoping when she is really interested in what happened, I will be in a much stronger place emotionally to deal with it.
To begin with she was very scared that mummy was going to leave too and not come back, but after a couple of months that subsided. She hasn't suffered sleeping problems, regressions issues - nothing really. She seems happy in the knowledge that she still has loads of family around who love her dearly, and every night she can say night night to daddy in the stars.
I wish you much love on this one, as it is horrifically difficult. Just trust your instincts. You know your child better than any counsellor or therapist.
Lisa xx
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 20:34 |
Tracy
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Re: is my daughter ok?
Hi Nicola
I think Clare was spot on with her advice to you.
i think you need to be as honest as you can be, tell her what she asks in a way that she understands, don't elaborate unless she asks more, and go from there.
As she gets older the questions will alter and so will your answers, you can adjust according to her age and understanding.
When you say you think she is ok, she probably is. Her very young age is protecting her from this tragedy thankfully. All she needs is you i'm afraid. i think?
My heart bleeds for your loss but i'm sure your love for your daughter will keep you going.
Very very well done you for coming so far. You can do it. Believe, take each hour as it comes, and my motto?? KEEP GOING.
MAKE HIM PROUD.
please keep posting, someone here is always listening when you need to talk.
xx
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 21:46 |
Cheryl L
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Re: is my daughter ok?
Nicola, I just wanted to send you my thoughts....... you have been through a dreadful time.
Have you tried winstons wish? they are a charity set up to help bereaved children. I know your daughter is very young to benefit from alot of their support, but they will, I'm sure, be able to advise you.
Good luck, and keep coming here.
Cheryl xx
Posted on 29/03/2007 at 23:40 |
adrienne
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Re: is my daughter ok?
Hi Nicola,
I cant quite comprehend what you have been through, to loose you husband and theny uor second baby so soon after . Are you worried about your daughter physically, the fact that your husband and son both died of heart problems? I am sure a cardiologist coulòd help you there.
Emotionally, my husband died almost 2 years ago , a few days after our sons 2nd birthday. He definately "held" on for the birthday. My son is soon to be 4. To be every honets, he doesnt seem to have many issuse up until now about his dady diing, in fact he is VERY pragmatic and matter of fact about it. But my husband was admitted to hospital the day before our so's 1st birthday and was in hospital for around 8.5mth, long stretch of time he was so ill my son couldnt even visit him, so perhaps it seems like my son was even younger than 2 when he "lost" his dad. I wont say everything is easy, but I often feel the problems we have are more to do with my son having a busy, stressed working full time single mum.
He talks acctually more and more about his dad. he likes more now than before to hear little stories about his dad, he is becoming obsessed about cars like his dad was (he was a car designer) and likes to play with daddy's old toys and know what daddy's favourite dinner was, that kind of thing. he can see his other classmates at kindergarten have mums and dads and at least from what i can tell, it doesnt seem to bother him, it doesnt make him sad that he doesnt have a daddy. But we live abraod so he is probably more busy learning anew language, raelseing we are a bit different anyway. he is very close to my parents, despite the physical distance and I can really see whan a male friend/friend's boyfriend/uncle etc does play with him (he has very infrequent male contact), he really craves it.
We have picture of my husband and family photos around the house but not that huge or obvious, in personal spaces really. I dont try to push the memory of his dad onto him as sometimes, when i tried to initiate conversations, i think it annoyed him for some reason. So i just talk quite matter of fact or tell funny stories about his dad. He knows how he died and i have only ever explained the illness my husband had (luekaemia) and straight forward and simply as possible. I think two year olds understand so much, it amazes you. And the older they get, the more they understand. I always told my son that daddy is a star in the sky. Someone gave us "No Matter What" by Debbie Gliori which is a sweet book for this concept.
I dont think you can ever guess how it might affect them in the long term, every child is so different. Try and deal with things day to day, as they come. I dont know about warning signs. But I was fine to let my son sleep with me until recently (we had constant house guests who were taking up his bedroom anyway). I have let him keep his security things like dummies. I dont know, sometimes I feel i dont do enough or things are so quite okay but we get by not too bad most of the time. I think he is a normal toddler and many little kids go through funny times regrdless of their family situations so its hard to seperate what is normal toddler stuff and what could be caused by the tradgedy they have experienecd.
sorry if I have gone on too much.
Posted on 30/03/2007 at 08:51 |
nicola casey
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Re: is my daughter ok?
thank you all so much, your advice and suggestions mean the world! its so good to talk to people who have some clue about the hellish situations we are all in. thanks again guys xxxx
Posted on 30/03/2007 at 15:44 |
