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Topic: Cheltenham - One year on
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John H
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Cheltenham - One year on
On 18th February last year a group of weirdos...sorry, widders got together for what has probably been the largest gathering of widders in a private house. Martyn's lovely house.
It was my first 'meet' and it probably was for the majority of the 40 plus attendees. I was 5 1/2 months down this unwanted new road at that stage and I was petrified about going. In fact after I had parked up at the local hotel I was on the point of driving straight back home. Thankfully I stopped and decided to take a positive view and I stayed.
I had a great time. I have made some fantastic friends who have become friends for life.
I've had a look back at the photos and have found many of the names:-
Von, Liz, Mads, Alli, Lynne, Jane (x 3), Julie/Wabbs, Amanda, Claire, Pat, Chris/Ceebs, Ann, Jan, Nikki, Kerry, Martyn, Gill, Kim, Debs, Steve, Martin, Lee, Emma, Marianne, Matt, Ruthie, Kay, Jean, Carole, Chris D, Carol and me.
I'm curious as to how we have all coped and fared over the past 12 months and it would be lovely if those who still read this board could update us all. I am sure that the majority of posts would be positive. Mine would be certainly. Maybe we can give some hope to the newbies.
Hopefully I can get round to my update it tomorrow, but right now I have to get tea and park myself in front of the telly for the football.
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 18:45 |
NickiW
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Great post John. MWAH
The party at Cheltenham was the first time I met you and the first time I met many of my friends from this site and from widowhood.
I had been to few meets before but this was the biggest and certainly one of the best. (If I may say so myself, seeing as it was my idea!!!)
I am now 22 months, and Georgie, who was 2 when her daddy died, is now 4 and a half. (Although she insists she is 4 and 3/4)
I am doing good, I still come on here most days and try to repay some of the support I got in the early days, when I was such a lost soul.
I am still in very regular contact with Emma, Kerry, Jane and Kim. And Martyn of course. We are all doing good - and I am so proud of you and of us all.
Not only do we know how to party, we know how to live!
Come on the rest of you - tell us how you are...
Nicki xxx
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 18:55 |
wenna
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
John and Nicky, Ceebs is slaving over a risotto but will reply soon!
I think there should be another party?!!!W x
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 19:10 |
NickiW
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
LOL Wenna! She is a classy bird that Ceebs, for a scouser!
I will make sure there is another party - so you and the other newbies can come. Martyn - get the hot tub warmed up!
Nicki xx
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 19:18 |
Martyn
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Hi John
I was trying to get in first to reply in a serious manner, but hey....too slow as ever.
I think it was the turning point for me too, although I had been to a couple of meets before, this one after a year for me made me realise how far in the first year I had come.
There are lots of newbies here on MW unfortunately, and if there is one thing I'd offer as some form of encouragement on how to survive this is to try your best to get out there and meet new people. I know it's not easy, like John says, that first step is a big one, but once made the next one's are a lot easier.
It's all about living your life, and it is our choice to do it or not do it, I'm glad I've got the opportunity to choose, and I really do look forward to every next minute. Sorry that might sound a bit heavy, but it is said with all the best intentions.
2 years + for me, although it only seems like yesterday.......
Martyn
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 19:35 |
Jeannie
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Although it wasnt my first meet (I'd been on a weekend meet to Majorca) it was a fantastic opportunity to meet even more of you lovely people. And we had a brilliant time. I'm now at 21 months and have been to lots of meets, and enjoyed them all, I think the Cheltenham meet was the turning point for me. Although life will never be as good as it was, I am enjoying life again now, (never thought I would say that) having made some lovely new freinds at the Chelenham meet and subsequent ones. Thanks Martyn for inviting us all to your lovely home and to John for starting this thread.
Jean
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 20:00 |
ellcee
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Hi John and all,
How lovely, when I think of Cheltenham I smile. It was my second meet, slightly closer than my first when I flew to Portsmouth from Glasgow cos I just needed to meet 'others'. I couldn't wait to go to another meet up.
Like John I met friends there who I consider to be friends who will always be in my life, brought together by a mutual bond and who helped me learn that it was okay to smile, laugh and even enjoy myself.
I do still sometimes have to remind myself how far I have come, been nearly 20 months, it has not been easy and even now I know I have things I have to face that will take me back, but I also know now that when I get back up, I will be stronger.
This site, the people on it have been for me like so many others, a lifeline that I could not have done without.
Hope to meet many of you sometime, so we can all smile together.
love Lynne x
P.S. Wenna can you ask Ceebs if next time I come round she'll cook for me and I don't have to cook 50 sausages for the meat eating widder bunch!!! xxxx
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 20:12 |
Jane x1 R
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Ohhh an excuse for a ramble, well done John :-)
Cheltenham the First was my first gtg and I was also very nervous, but I too have made lots of friends, one who can't even remember my initial but has started calling me a number like in Prisoner .....
Like NickiW I still check-in most days to repay the support that I received when I was in early days and frankly, I would have been lost without this site!
Anyway, the difference between now and then ...
My first thought on waking is not "he is dead", but please please please let it be sunshine
I don't stare evilly at old couples and happy families anymore!
I can actually hold a "small talk" conversation ... two years ago I would have just glared at them and walked off ... nowadays I only walk off if I've got really bored!
I can drive long journeys and not cry at all, in the beginning I could only drive for 20 minutes before the tears would start.
I can listen to music, I can see valentine cards in the shops and husband birthday cards, and they don't upset me anymore.
I see more beauty in the world, be it a sunrise (ok that's only in the winter coz I detest early mornings) or a beautiful sunset, someone's smile or laughter, and acknowledge it as a truly wonderful thing. In the beginning if I saw something beautiful I detested it, because I couldn't share it with Andy.
I very rarely have to use my punch bag anymore, but still keep it for emergencies!
I enjoy mowing the lawn ... go figure ... (think there may still be a bit of widder madness in me)!
I guess I take my pleasure from the simpler things in life now, be that good friends who stuck around, family, my kids, nature ... the rest I have discovered is irrelevant (to me anyway).
Yes I still have sad days, but they are only occasional now, I think of Andy every day usually with a smile, and the kids still talk about him lots which I was worried they would forget.
Oh yes, and now I say I'm at 2 years+, rather than when I used to count in days, then progressed to weeks, then counted to months, then years and months, now I simply say "over 2 years ago", and the 22nd of each month (which I used to find so painful), well last month I didn't realise it was the 22nd until late in the evening! (I am at 2 years and 4 months - had to work it out!)
Take hope from these messages, I really couldn't evisage how I would endure 2 years+, but I have. I took my hope from people who were on the board when I first joined who had got that far, and now I'm one of them, so please, take hope from me - no it isn't the life I wanted, but I'm damn well going to live it to the best of my ability.
small steps, and be kind to yourself, take care all xx
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 20:27 |
Christine
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Dear John (sigh)...The risotto was superb....
Was that really only last year? It's difficult to believe that you have all only been part of my life for 12 months..and I mean that in a nice way, honestly! I don't know what I would have done sometimes without the friends I met at Martyn's for the first time. And within seconds they really were friends; everyone was only a stranger for the first three seconds or so.
Martyn and his lovely hostesses welcomed us into his home as if we were family; and I believe that's what we remain to this day.
In the year since then, there have been the usual ups and downs. I'm still not back at work, but hopefully as the inquest date has been set for next month (23 months..I ask you!) perhaps I will be able to escape that particular loop pretty soon.
My recovery has included a number of impromptu trips, which I would never have even considered before Martyn's do. The most memorable organised during a drunken conversation one night, that conluded with a couple of flights being booked to Amsterdam. Just like that. Planning was never our forte; and yeah thanks for the herring tip John...we'll pass next time.
I have since planned a trip of a lifetime to Australia, as I owe a lot of hugs out down there. That will take place once we have the inquest out of the way. It was organised as something to make the kids look beyond the inquest. Kids are both doing well on their chosen paths and keep the values and outlook that their Dad took such pride in.
Mega development has been meeting Himself; who really has made me look forward with hope, rather than back with regret.
And of course, I achieved what I had always wanted the opportunity to do; I was able to write a couple of of 'Dear John' letters....
Love you guys loads
Christine (Ceebs)
PS Oh yeah...we also had a small Widder-Bash at our house shortly after Martyn's. I have almost finished the washing up now.
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 20:31 |
Kim C
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Hey John and all you lovely people
I nearly didnt get there, so damn scared of driving on motorways Amanda came to my rescue and we all had a wonderful weekend.
I am at 19 months now and although recently took a number of months of work to learn to decorate and also to "get my head together" I finally applied for a job yesterday. There is a very good chance I will get it too so fingers crossed.
I have been very fortunate in meeting so many wonderful people through this site, widowhood and WAY that the meetings arranged have been what made me look forward to the next week, or the next month.
I joined some of the widders at Centreparcs last weekend for the day and spent a wonderful afternoon in the spa with some of the girls, it was bliss. Thankyou Amanda for arranging that one.
Life is being very good to me right now. I still miss Steve so much having been married 24 yrs but I have found a new confidence that is taking me forward and my children also are doing very well.
Thanks for the posting John, love, hugs and kisses to you all (although I did have to stand on Martyns stair to give you a hug goodbye as I recall John lol) I still havent grown much.
For all the new widows and widowers reading this thread please take strength in realising that it is always a huge effort to attend one of these meetings alone but when you get there, everyone is on their own and you, too, may find friends that will help you to walk this journey and you wont feel completely alone again.
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 21:42 |
Jane D
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Where to start??????????
Oh, yes! So, I am just one of three?? How rude!!! Ya told me that I was the one-and-only 'Jane' in yer life!!!!!!!!
Three years plus for me. Cheltenham was not the first time that I met some of the reprobates on this site. As others have already said, there were the Luton meets, and Majorca, Portsmouth, and a few more besides.
Thanks to this site, and the site that Martin set up, I have made many friends, I hope that they will be life-long friends, too.
I don't post here much these days, but I still read it. I hope that the newer people will benefit from this site as much as I did in the 'early days'.
The last 12 months have been good for me. I met lots of lovely people at Martyn's house, I also met Christine! Amsterdam was set in stone.........
Since then, there have been many more 'get-togethers'. All of them have been fun.
Suffice it to say that I am happy. Never thought I would ever say that again! Thanks for this post John, I look forward to reading YOUR update!
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 21:59 |
fay
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
You wonderful bunch - thank you so much for all of that. Made me smile. Making happy memories in the face of the biggest goddam adversity - what an achievement.
Wish I had found you all in time to have been a part of it. But hey, hopefully there will be more.
Love and admiration to you all.
Fay
xxx
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 22:09 |
Von
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Hi John
What a lovely post. I'm still here also, 19mths on. I didn't think I'd get this far, but I'm actually ok. I've met some fantastic people from MW, MSN & WAY, who I wouldn't have if I wasn't a widder! So, it's crap being in our situation, but so glad we've found each other. I hope the newbies can find the support that they deserve.
Luke's reached terrible twos, he's still lovely, though very hard work!!
Nice to see you're all ok,
Yvonne xx
Posted on 06/02/2008 at 22:50 |
Trish (Liz)t
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Dear MW's,
Wish I had known about you last year as I spend about a month every summer with my mother in Stroud so perhaps I could have met you all at the Cheltenham meet-up !
I plan to be in Stroud from July 13th to Aug.18th so is there a chance I could be lucky this year ? It would be so nice to put faces to the names !!
With Love,
Trish x
Posted on 07/02/2008 at 00:17 |
Amanda
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Hi John,
What a good post.
I remember Cheltenham with a smile often, whilst it was not my first meeting, it was so much fun, and I still want my African Hut.
Before I went I did wonder whether I was doing the right thing or not. When I checked in at the hotel behind a lady carrying a blow up sheep then I was really scared!
But seriously I consider myself lucky to have met so many wonderful people who have now become friends.
How have I coped? Well I am doing well, and enjoying life as I know Burt would want me to do. If you had left it a week before posting this John, I could have impressed you all with my skiing exploits (am going on Sunday), unfortunately last time I think I was personally responsible for a huge increase in bar profits due to the drinking game they played when people fell on the slope. Now there was something I was good at falling!
Look forward to seeing you all again sometime soon.
Amanda
x
Posted on 07/02/2008 at 09:58 |
John H
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Sorry Jane R and Jane D. I should of course have said a bouquet of Janes rather than Jane (x3). I just didn't want to offend the third Jane whose initial I couldn't remember so I thought it be easier offend you all.
OK Cheltenham was a turning point for me. I was only 5 1/2 months on this journey, but I was feeling quite positive and I guess that's why I was there. I remember talking to some of you and saying that I had decided that I had two choices. To look back and mope or to look forward and hope. It has taken me a while but I would say that I am now mostly looking forward and on those occasions when I look back it is with increasing fondness on what I had. I am not as angry as I was, though there is still anger.
The comfort of having you guys around me has been a real boon. You are all bricks in my wall.
I have also had the benefit of distractions like the wedding of No. 2 son in Slovakia and my impending grandfatherhood - only a few days away now! It has been important for me always to have things in my diary. Things to look forward to.
Life goes on and I am determined to make the best of it.. Carol wanted me to and I will.
Cheers,
John x
PS Wenna I think that you probably had Scouse and Rice. Ceebs talks funny and was probably saying "rice could be hotter" not "risotto"
Posted on 07/02/2008 at 10:45 |
Martin
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Hi guys
I was trying to recall Chelters last year then the mention of that inflatable sheep jogged the memory. It was a present to me from Pat!
Then I remembered why we were there - to celebrate the OLD M's birthday!
Yes, a few of us had met before but there were lots of new faces and each one was warmly welcomed.
It's good to read that many of you felt it was a turning point in your journey as I have often preached about networking and had experienced the good points myself and still encourage people to make the effort, take that first step to get along to meet others.
Since Chelters I've been busy - networking! Meets in Scotland, Ipswich, Luton, Castleford, Harpenden, Hullbridge, Cheters2, more Luton and Herpenden, Burnham Ovary, Gargrave (calendar shoot) and Benalmedina.
So many wonderful people, many I beleive will be friends for life.
M
Posted on 07/02/2008 at 10:47 |
Lee
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Ah My first meet, what can I say. I don't do nerves on meeting people, maybe I should have with this lot lol. It felt like I had met everyone before and had known for a long time. I was at nearly 1 year when it all came about.
The hospitality was top notch as was the company, it made a lasting impression on me forever and always. The Africa Hut is well embedded in my memory, although I did have temporary loss the day after. The swim I had was also good, albeit fully clothed after a push by a mysterious wabbit.
Considering all that we had in common we all laughed and enjoyed ourselves, many friends were made, and some confidents as well.
I may take up dancing lessons to give Pats a good old spin, again lol and not be cheeky to her in the morning as she is pretty nippy off the blocks to chase me out of the building.
A truly fantastic time and one that I will always treasure.
I am now at close to 2 years now, things have happended, changed, but my love for you all is strong. Thankyou to you all for the help on this journey.
LUV YA
I RAISE A GLASS AND SAY CHEERS
Posted on 07/02/2008 at 11:58 |
Liz
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
It's now 21 months since I lost C, lots of days are OK and some days are really hard, although when I think back to how I felt at the Cheltenham party I realise I have come a long way. I think I was more of a quiet bystander then, although I remember meeting lots of wonderful courageous people, and laughing hysterically at Pat and Lee in the 'smokers hut!
I've had many trips to see friends and a few holidays (including a fabulous time in China with Allie) and have just come back from a great skiing trip (1st one for 30 years!) So I think I would say that keeping busy and the support of wonderful family and friends is the only way to get by.
Although I don't post on here much, I still look every few days and get much inspiration from you all.
Thanks!
Liz
Posted on 09/02/2008 at 22:41 |
Emma
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Hi
What a brilliant post. Cheltenham was my first meet and I was so nervous about going but so glad I did. I'm at nearly 18 months now and Harry is nearing 2 and a half and a right little monkey!
I'm in regular contact with Nicki, Steve, Yvonne and Kerry and have also made some lovely friends through WAY.
I'm doing really good most of the time and enjoying life. Still have the odd bad day but that's to be expected. I look forward to the rest of my life now with my gorgeous son and don't wake up filled with the dread of coping with another day.
Looking forward to the next party!
Emma x
Posted on 10/02/2008 at 20:25 |
Gill H
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Just found this post - slow as usual!!
yes I was at Cheltenham and what a great time it was. A bit of a turning point even, as it made me realise I was not alone, other people walked the path I was on, some a little further on who were able to hold your hand and give you hope for the future.
I was at about 4 months then and just emerging from the fog. I miss my Eddie with every heartbeat and in a minute i'm taking him a rose (Today being Valentines Day - I dont do it every day!!). But life has gone on and I do have happiness again, not the same, but Eddie is still part of it. The lows still trip me up, but generally the days are bright. Only the other day I heard Eddie say 'Hey you're doing ok kid, thats my girl'.
Many milestones - one son turned 18, another 21 and the youngest grown his hair so long its hard to find him! Great lads, all of them.
Dont often post on here but do read. Made friends at Cheltenham who i don't often see but who hold a very special place in my heart and always will.
So thanks again to the fantastic host and hostess (x)
And thanks John for the reminder - will look at those photos again.
Think its about time we did it all again!!
Gill H xxxxx
Posted on 14/02/2008 at 14:04 |
Steve Pullan
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Re: Cheltenham - One year on
Hello John, Cheltenham attendees & Fellow Widows/Widowers,
Cheltenham - Is it really a year??
Well, I've some very very fond memories of that evening. The pool, the chocolate fountain, the african hut and the wonderful people that turned up to enjoy Martyn's perfect hospitality. It wasn't my first meet but I was a little apprehensive about meeting so many people. However, the nerves very soon subsided in the hotel bar soon after arriving.
The evening was fabulous and after contacting the Guiness Book of Records, it is now official that we hold the record for the most widders in a Travelinn hotel room!!! (incidentally, I had to sleep in a bed reeking of spanish rioja that night! - Thanks Jane!!!!)
Since then, life has bobbled along nicely. That thing called 'love' still eludes me but I live in hope. I've had a crack at the dating thing which was an experience in itself. I could write a book!!! One date for example was hilarious as her ex-husband turned up and sat at the next table. They started quarreling in raised voices. Then there was another date where she turned into a stalker after I spurned her advances. It got nasty in the end and the police had to be called!!
My little Laura will be 7 in a few months and I see her mother in her each time I look at her. She's happy and doing well at school. Oh, and she regularly asks for a new mummy. If only it were that easy!!
I'm still in touch with a good few people and also a couple of more recent widders in this region.
On a more serious note though, if you are a recent widow(er) and just starting out on your walk down 'Widow Way', please don't give up hope after your loss. Life does go on and as John said 'Look back and mope, or look forward and hope?'
There will be light at the end of the tunnel. It just takes time, tears, strength and spirit. I'm 4+ years on now and although there is the odd occasion where it hits, it is so brief and doesn't compare to what it was like in the early days.
If there is a get together in your area and you feel reluctant to attend, I would greatly urge you to try and go. It was the best thing I ever did. I can remember returning from Cheltenham a year ago and looking at the pictures from the night before. Everyone was smiling and laughing, and behind each smile was someone somewhere on their way back from beyond Hell!
You can face this whole thing alone but with the close friendships you forge from meeting fellow widders, it makes the whole journey that little bit more bearable.
Keep Going & Keep Talking
Steve P
Posted on 17/02/2008 at 18:25 |
