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Topic: when to go back to work
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G
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when to go back to work
It's six weeks since my husband died, others expect me to be going back to work about now but I'm not sure I'm up to it - I have to care for/counsel kids, including bereaved & depressed & I don't feel I've got anything to give, I'm running on empty myself. Also, I'm still very emotional but I can't just leave the room if I feel I'm getting upset (or irritated if they are going on about something trivial!). Anyone else been in a similar situation?
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 03:27 |
Jenny W
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Re: when to go back to work
I went back to work after 4 weeks but I am quite lucky in that I work in a small office where if I need to I can be on my own and don't have to have much contact with anyone else.
I found it really difficult at first but I think it has helped to have a reason to get up every day.
Could you maybe just go back part-time or take on a less demanding role for a little while? If you don't feel ready then don't let yourself be pressurised into to going back as this could make you feel worse.
I don't really know the answer for you but the fact that you are at least thinking about going back means that you are getting stronger-even if you don't feel like you are.
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 07:44 |
mabe
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Re: when to go back to work
Hello G. Six weeks is such a short time. Only you can decide when you are ready to return. I think we must do similar work by the sounds of it. I can only say for myself that it was over a year before I felt I could work with vulnerable people again.....but I did do other bits an pieces in between in a completely different field......it was very good to be busy and that is the main benefit of working I think, apart from finances of course. I just felt strongly that in my raw grief I would not be able to be fully present for the people I would be working with. And yes, the idea of trying to be open, present, non-judgemental and caring with everyone, regardless of their problems, especially if they seemed trivial by comparison, was very difficult for me. Only now am I reaching the stage where I can imagine doing a good job in that situation......realising that other people's problems are very real to them, and their feelings are real too, even if what is troubling them seems like small fry. What has helped is that I have had a lot of psychotherapy! So basically what I am trying to say is that I really, really relate to your dilemma. Please don't let other people pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. It's such early days for you. Take care, be kind to yourself, and frankly, sod other people's expectations. You will know when you are ready.
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 08:00 |
Celia
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Re: when to go back to work
I'm a teacher, and I went back very gradually - although we had ofsted a fortnight after I lost D and I went in for that but must have been on autopilot, didn't teach just did the waffle bit.
You are raw and vulnerable at this stage (you don't need me to tell you that!) but the one thing I learned was that no-one can tell you how to do the work thing. I had loads of good advice from people on this board, which was all useful and all telling me to take one step at a time and go with how I felt.
Any job where you deal with people who need you to be strong all the time is virtually impossible to do full time when you're grieving - you need time to be by yourself either at home, out walking, with undemanding & understanding friends, sleeping, reading peaceful books if you can, or junky magazines, eating comforting food when you feel like it. It's very hard to be running around dealing with problems that seem completely trivial compared with the earthquake that hit you only 6 weeks ago! And, as you say, at work you can't just wander off into the next room and howl.
I am at 21 months now - lucky enough to have a kind headteacher and only just ready to go full-time, although I know some people find it easier to throw themselves back in at the deep end to block out the loneliness.
I have used the time off (working Tues, Weds, Thurs and running a drama group Thurs night) to walk more, read more, write, and get the house organised amongst other things, but a lot of the time has been spent just getting used to being myself after being half of a happy couple for 31 years.
I hope you can perhaps be part-time if that's what's right for you - stopping altogether probably knocks your confidence too much, it would be hard to get back in again.
Wishing you lots of luck whatever you do
Celia x
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 09:03 |
Lyn
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Re: when to go back to work
Hi G,
I agree with the other posts that six weeks is still very very early days for you and you need to take care of yourself and your family and not pay any attention to other people's expectations at this time. They have not walked in your shoes and have no understanding of the mental and physical impact of your loss.
I went back to work in a very demanding role within weeks of losing my husband as I thought it would give myself and children the much needed routine back. Whilst I got up, dressed and made up every day I look back and was very much on automatic pilot just blocking out all the stress and emotion. Once back at work everyone carried on as normal and yet inside I was totally devastated and basically just couldn't care less about work.
I tried my best but ended up taking time off months down the line as I just ran out of steam. Like you I also had expectations from others who thought I should snap back to normal.
Depending on your role and how your children are I do believe it is important to create a routine as quickly as you feel able to. When I sat around the house I had too much time to think and that also created problems.
I think a phased return is a good way to go back to work if at all possible and I also think it is important to speak to your boss and say that you have no idea how you will feel and you may have one or two emotional moments when you return. I went back to work full time and hit the ground running and didn't explain to my boss I may wobble as I had no idea how I would be and thought I;d be fine - I wasnt.
If you are happy that you now have taken care of all the necessary paperwork and that you have your home practicalities under control you could consider returning but I would guard against going back too early if you have important work at home to get in order. It is easy to become overwhelmed with tasks at this time as somehow it takes us widows longer to do things and to concentrate despite our best efforts.
Good Luck and do what you feel ready to do only.
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 09:05 |
becs
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Re: when to go back to work
Hi G,
I went back after 5 weeks and if I am honest after 4 weeks i was climbing the walls for something to do to focus my attention. I also have a very good mutual friend who works in the same place as me who has been incredibly supportive and made sure that they were there for the whole of my first week back.
I am now at 16 weeks today and I have cut my hours at work back so I no longer work mondays as i am KNACKERED!
I could cut the back more, but the structure that work gives me and the support I have received from my colleagues, many of them who knew M and played footy or cricket with him has helped me enormously.
i guess it depends on what kind of place you work and what kind of support they will offer you, as well as how you feel about going back.
I am also receiving counselling once a week and it may be something worth considering, for you and your children.
Take care of yourself and keep posting x
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 09:19 |
Jim
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Re: when to go back to work
G...im 8 months in and im still not back to work fully. I can understand exactly where you are coming from.
My company has been very supportive and have given me time off but im sure in the not too distant future they will draw the line. I know by going to work it gives me some sort of structure to my life and helps me to focus but on the other hand some days are just so crappy I dont want to do anything.
As for yourself, do you want to be off? Have you raised the issue with your employees about taking more time off? Your only early days yet so surely they cant begrude you that time? Speak to your doctor, mine has been very supportive and whenever I visit him he always says how much time would you like?
I went through exactly the same as you as im sure other people on this site have and I realised now I went back too early in the end. Can you not try a phased return to work as an option. eg work 1 day first week, then 2 days the week after building up to a full week.
take care
Jim
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 09:51 |
ang
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Re: when to go back to work
you shouldnt even consider going back to work while you dont feel ready. I am in a similar role to you and didnt go back until 13 months. I am now at 17 months and still not full time. When you are 'ready' to go back emotionally and cognitively you will know. My GP said that he would recommend me going back after a few months if I was on a checkout or working in a job with no responsibility for other peoples emotions but when you have toa consider other peoples vulnerability within your daily work 6 weeks is fat far too early. Give yourself a 6 month goal and if you make it fine but if you get there and your not ready...move the goal posts. DO nothing until you are ready....ultimately its a job that will still be there even if you decided never to go back. Look after yourself you hav been through enough. XX
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 10:03 |
Denise J.
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Re: when to go back to work
I went back to work after 4 weeks but I work in admin in a room on my own and for the first couple of weeks I didn't have to take telephone calls. It was hard but it got me into a routine and I think I would have been worse at home, thinking too much, as my children are grown up and have left home. I found it very hard returning home to an empty house.
It does depend very much on the type of job you do. I work in the matrimonial department of a law firm and actually found I could empathise with clients with real problems but felt very irritated with people who were bickering over trivialities. Would it be possible to try going back part time? Working fulltime is very tiring when you are grieving, especially when no doubt you still have paperwork of your own to sort out.
I can only repeat what others have said and that is don't let other people pressurise you into going back when you don't feel ready. Everyone is different with different jobs and work situations.
Take care
Denise
x
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 10:03 |
ChrisJ
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Re: when to go back to work
Dear G.
I am in in slightly similar position, my wife died at the beginning of April and since I was having to (redundancy n/a) go back to work late May. However by the time my Employers Occupational Health provider and my management sorted out various appointments it is only now that I am having a phased return to work.
I am also returning to a new role since my previous one is not viable - 24/7 shifts with a long commute. This new role is more local and flexible although surprisingly for me still full-time. The phased return entails 2 days a week in July and up to 3 in August. But because I have been "long term sick" I still have loadsa holiday left so it should get me through the summer holidays.
If your Employer has an Occupational Health Advisor they should be involved (if not already) and they should be able to help you with your return together with your management. Remember, they are legally obliged to look after you and acknowledge your new circumstances.
On saying all this, I have absolutely no motivation to return to work and press my nose to the corporate grindstone again. If it was not for my children it would be difficult summoning the energy to get out of bed. Since I had to go back to work I wanted it out of the way and not hanging over me leaving me wondering how I would cope and how I would or could continue with the new circumstances.
You will also be amazed how trivial work stuff now becomes. My work account was deleted together with an accumulation of years of valuable work. This meant I had the joy of dealing with the IS Heldesk(s). Plenty of "normal" people lose the will to live after having to contact them. Bit like Call Centres! My manager commented that I remained very calm despite the obvious annoyance and hassle they had created by deleting my account and the other obtacle hoops one now has to hurdle to get a new one. There is nothing I can do until the new account is created (apart from the housework and the occassional entry on this site).
When I had my first meeting at work, I was very unsure about whether to go into the main office or not. A snap decision was made and I did. It felt very wierd but it was OK. Before the appointment I did have to tell an acquaintance about my new circumstances but I did this in private since even now it is difficult to keep control. I find it easier once people know but its just that first contact that is almost always hard.
Sorry for rambling but I can only offer my story and hope it may assist. Work could also serve as a distraction and more adult type contacts. (I am thinking of changing the names of my sons to "Gonna", "Go Away" and "Why" based their usual phrases - "Good One" was also considered but Good One1 didn't work).
The important thing is: this is not about what others think you should do. It is what you want to do. Whatever you decide take it steady with easy simple steps to start.
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 10:54 |
tbd
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Re: when to go back to work
Hi there,
I am at 9 weeks and have been gradually going back to work over the last 3 weeks - I am only on 3 days a week. My GP was excellent at helping me go to work and I am infact still offically signed off so that if I don't feel like going in I don't have to.
I work in healthcare and my gp still feels that I am not in any position to take on that responsibility yet - hence signed off sick. The pressure is on when you go back in a way if you do anything in the nhs - they may expect you to be able to pick up the ropes quicker than you can. you have a position of responisibility so it is important that you not only look after yourself but also are mindful of those who you care for. Do you feel that you can take that on? I suspect not at the moment however if there is any small thing you can do at work, such as admin stuff, writing papers or even shadowing someone else, you may find it takes your mind away from where you are for a while. I certainly have found that and it has been helpful. It also helped to connect me with the world when I felt very much in a parallel universe.
Additionally just going back through those doors can be difficult. I had friends meet me at the entrance and we went for coffee. I cried the whole time and then went home after an hour. The next week I went in for 2 mornings and it was easier. It is hard though and it takes a lot of courage to pick up the strings of your life as it felt to me like a betrayal - I was back at work "like nothing had happened" but D was dead and couldnt do the amazing things he did. I am getting better at living with that now but I think that this is a common feeling.
I felt everyone else was back at work and so should I be. They also suggested going back was a good idea however the loss of a partner is completely different to a brother/friend/parent and the impact on our lives is so huge. Trust yourself and your feelings - you know what is best for you. Maybe have a chat with your GP and manager before going back and work out a way that isn't too scary .
Take care - tbd
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 12:31 |
sophia
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Re: when to go back to work
Dear G
In your line of work you need back -up. I am sure you know that when you are emotionally traumatised you are not the best person to minister to those also traumatised. Do you have a mentor/counsellor to whom you are accountable at work? They ought to be able to advise on your readiness and to help you make a sensible decision.
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 14:34 |
G
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Re: when to go back to work
Thank you all so much for your advice and kindness, you've given me a lot to think about. I'm seeing my GP tomorrow & will talk it over with him but I think I already knew it's a bit too soon. Will probably try the part time, non-clinical idea if I can.
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 17:49 |
sue
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Re: when to go back to work
Dear G,
Suggest that whenever you do decide to go back you go in for a visit first, maybe just a coffee with colleagues, check a few emails if you're up to it and then leave. One of the hard things about going back is people's reactions, however well meaning. To gte through their reactions first and then get to the actual working bit in a second ahase might be I think a bit easier.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, sue xx
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 19:46 |
tbd
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Re: when to go back to work
Hi G
Sounds a good plan. Non clinical and gradual.
The only other thing I would say is don't loose your confidence if you have a good day and then have a day when you go in and have to leave within a few hours. Thats okay. I think that is why it is helpful to be signed off or have an arrangement that lets you come and go. I am super numerery at the moment.
I have found that there are amazing people, those that I least expected it from, who will be watching you and will help you when you need it. You learn a lot about your colleagues at this time - some of them will be your rock and these people will be the ones you least expect. Others will be deeply moved by your situation and seeing you will make them cry so be prepared for that too and forgive them for that - others will be unfeeling and when they are just, remember that they are irrelevant to you and move away from them. I have told one person this and they definitely will not bother me again! You probably will find the majority of people are lovely.
Good luck and I will be thinking of you
tbd
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 20:13 |
aed
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Re: when to go back to work
I went back to work. part time, after 9 weeks. I had arranged it so that no one would say anything to me. and that helped me. They just said 'it's nice to see you back'. I did cry at work (in n.h.s.) and got sent home a couple of times. I never felt 'ready' to go back but the GP (sort of, encouraged me). The distraction was good for me for a few months, and then I cried and cried. Had to tell them the truth - can't come in cos I can't stop crying. I cried for nearly a week. They were sympathetic but on reflection now, maybe it was too soon.
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 21:37 |
Liz
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Re: when to go back to work
I went back to work 10 days after my husband died because I could not bear looking at 4 blank walls for even a day. I was in the fortunate position of working with very supportive colleagues (one of whom revealed to me that this was the only part of my life which was normal) and also being in the newly created post of working with asylum seeker teenagers newly located to Glasgow in my school - I'm an English teacher. At first Idid all the admin then slowly I taught small groups.Talking to these teenagers really put my loss into perspective. I heard stories of them seeing family
or neighbours tortured or hanging dead from trees. We wept together and it was really cathartic for me, especially as one of my colleagues on the programme had been a refugee from Chile and had not known what happened to her husband. Her 2nd daughter had been born in Argentina 3 days before my second son had been born in Glasgow in much happier circumstances.
Only you can know when the time is right but it may help you on your journey to have the thoughts of those you counsel you to help you ith your loss. I know you will make the rght choice for you.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
Take care,Liz, x
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 00:16 |
Dave
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Re: when to go back to work
Hi G,
I'm now at 7 months since my partner died. I went back to work in what was supposed to be a phased return after about three weeks. I was desperate for something to focus my mind because I was going mad on my own in the house, surrounded by all the memories (both good and bad). Looking back, I think I probably went back too soon: after my three weeks' "phasing in" period I was back full time, but that is to say, my body was there full time, but my mind was there part time at best. Fortunately most people were very understanding (or claimed to be), but in my experience, the sooner you go back, the sooner everyone thinks you are "over it" or "back to normal" and the pressure starts piling back on. Whether that's a good thing or not depends on you and how you are coping. In my case it was mostly ok but there were some days when I just couldn't put my grief to the back of my mind and focus on work.
Then after about four months, I had to deal with another round of problems outside of work when probate came through on the house (it had been my partner's and we only part way through combining two houses into one then looking for one to buy between us when she became ill and we had to put things on hold). Now her family wanted to sell the house and I had to decide what to do - buy it or move? That was when I realised that coping with that and work was too much for me. I went to my GP who said "How long do you need off work?" The sense of relief was incredible - I came away with a sick note, which no-one could argue with. I was off for two weeks, sorted out another house which I've just moved into, but the main thing was that I had the space and time to work things out.
So what am I trying to say? I think it's simply, go back when you feel it's right for you, talk to your employer and try to gain their understanding and after all that, if it goes wrong at some later point, your GP can be invaluable. I think the other thing that is important though, is try not to leave it so long that you lose all your confidence because that could make going back harder.
Another point to consider is other people’s reactions to you when you return: I had lost a baby some years earlier in a previous existence, so I knew how apparently stupid and unhelpful some people’s responses to you can be. They feel awkward because they don’t know what to say or how to relate to you, so some of them avoid you or ignore you, which for me was the last thing I needed. This time round, I was at least prepared for that, so I got my line manager to send out an email explaining just that and encouraging colleagues to engage with me and to treat me normally and that was enormously useful.
The final thing I found – and still do – is just how tired I get. Grieving is hard work and takes a lot of energy and in my case that was coupled with lack of sleep and it didn’t leave much left over for work. That surprised me to begin with. I’m more used to it now, but still constantly exhausted.
Hope this helps! Dave
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 00:36 |
F
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Re: when to go back to work
you voiced my question. I do not feel atall ready, it has been just over 6 weeks for me and I really can't face going back to work. My colleauges are lovely but it is a big office... and I don't enjoy the work at all. I can't even think about going back enough to reply to this in full. I know I will be dreading sitting at my desk without glancing at my mobile for a text from hubs, or in the knowledge that I can't go home to a special meal he has cooked. I think I am aiming for going back when the kids return to school after their break, but still, I am dreading it.
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 01:18 |
