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Topic: have i got it all out of proportion?
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sandra
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have i got it all out of proportion?
Hi all
I go to church regularly and am very active in my church, on saturday it was 8 months since my D died his ashes are buried in a fenced off lawn area in our church yard, ww arw not allowed to put flowers/weaths etc under their plaque but to put them in the vases in the central memerial headstone. But some a tied a rose by their plaque and they have not been removed so on saturday I cut a rose from our garden and tied it on his plaque as well as flowers in one of the vases. They removed it Sunday morning before the service, I ran out of the church sobbing and didn't stay to the service it upset me so much, I don't want to go back there or have anuthing more to do with it (9 years I've attended) it was homegroup in my house tonight , I've cancelled it, I normally baked and serve at the fete which is this saturday, I'm not going. I am just so hurt, if others can do that don't attended our church why can't I.
Have I blown this all our of proportion? I didn't know any of these rules before I had his ashes buried there, and since I've had weaths moved etc but there had been another person rose tied there for over 2 weeks recently. I was finding the weekend hard anyway, I couldn't stop crying yesterday morning over this. I just cry so easily now, its awful I feel like a weeping weep.
love
and hugs to you all
Sandie
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 13:39 |
PipsG
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Re: have i got it all out of proportion?
Sandie: I'm sorry to hear what's happened at your church. Sit down, take a deep breath and breathe out and then another and then another.
Now, it appears very unfair and very unfeeling what has happened. Is there somebody in the Church office you can speak to today? Alternatively, can you phone the vicar or verger to ask why someone has been allowed to leave their flower and you've had yours removed? You might like to tell them that you feel so very upset over your flower being removed when the other one has been left. If the person you speak to has any sensitivity, they (hopefully) will pick up on your devastation about this.
I think that you've had one of those things happen to you which has the effect of being like a kick to the solar plexus. Hugs from cyberspace x
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 14:18 |
sophia
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Re: have i got it all out of proportion?
Dear Sandra
It is very understandable that you should be upset - I would feel the same. Being part of a church is to be part of an extended set of emotional relationships and you are entitled to extra special care and attention. I think Pips is right - take a bit of time to reflect and then to write a note or talk to somebody. Get a friend in the church to help you. It is also understandable if you feel you need a little break from church activities - you should have been excused all activities anyway. They should be baking for you, not you for them. 8 months is very early and you are not necessarily ready to take up your old life.
PS the rules seem draconian. I am all for rules - provided that they can be broken. In your case, they should have been smashed to pieces.
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 14:26 |
sandra
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Re: have i got it all out of proportion?
thank you both for your replies, its just nice to get someone else perpective, because I know at the moment I am very senstive. My vicar is away at the moment but I will email her so she can pick it up.
thanks its nice to know that you take the time to answer when its just going round and round in my head,
love
Sandie
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 14:44 |
Another Kate
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Re: have i got it all out of proportion?
Hi Sandra,
I just wanted to say that I think those rules are just stupid. I mean, really stupid! I scattered my husband's ashes far away from where we live because that was his request. Even if it had not been, I don't think I would be the type to visit the grave. I just don't think it would work for me. Even with my feelings on the subject, I cannot understand why a church would not allow others who feel differently to leave whatever they chose, wherever they chose. Is this policy in the name of 'tidyness'? If so, someone should let your supposed spiritual leaders know that death and grief are anything but tidy.
I am so sorry that you have been made so upset. I can't tell you what to do about the church. I just know that my mother gave up on her religion after my father died. It was not a good choice. I can certainly understand her feelings better now than when I was child but it did just seem to mire her further in bitterness. She was/is a strong believer and now that she is old and failing, she is afraid and does not have the kind of comfort her church might have offered her. I struggle to go to church. I was never very religious but my husband was. When we had kids, we actively sought a church that seemed in line with our social views and the people are quite lovely etc... but, truthfully, I still just go for the kids. It does sound like your church is very much part of your life, though. Is there a friend within it that could approach 'the powers that be' on your behalf. Maybe not in terms of: "Why was one flower allowed to remain but not mine?" because it will probably just be a matter of who's ever job it is to do that kind of upkeep was sick or backlogged etc... But rather, a review of the whole policy?
If that doesn't get you anywhere, can you just dig him up? I am seriously not being flip here. I am only assuming that intered ashes do not have the same rules as an acutal body. It does not even need to be a big gesture against the church but the simple explanation that their rules are in the way of your grief?
I'm sorry. This is probably way too much to consider when you are so upset but maybe just stick it in your back pocket for some time in the future. As issy said in the post, timing is everything.
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 17:09 |
cyra
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Re: have i got it all out of proportion?
Hi Sandra,
Sorry you had such an upsetting time. As others have said, I really think you need to talk to your vicar or someone else you trust at church. I hope you don't give up going though. Although I often cry during hymns, I have had such support from many people in my church. I am also surprised by how much you are doing at church. Jim died 9 months ago, but I still don't feel ready to do all the things I used to. Felt brave enough to give out the books the other week, but only because a good friend was aware of how difficult I was finding it and was there to help me.
Hoping you can get more support from everyone and resolve the rules in your churchyard. Please talk to someone soon.
God bless,
Love Cyrax
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 18:06 |
Lesley B
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Re: have i got it all out of proportion?
Hi Sandra
I not much of a church goer, I am not Christian, I have always said I have faith but not religion.
However, I know from friends that the Church provides a great sense of community and support. It would be awful if you lost that - I know that you will talk to your vicar and maybe find a way around this situation. And as Sophia says - maybe it's time for you to ease off the duties a little.
Some years ago something happened to make me strongly question my faith (long before the beloved was ill, it wasn't the Why Him question). I remember that I felt bereaved and even now that does not seem an exaggeration. I am faithful again now - but that period of questioning was a bleak one.
I truly hope that the small rules set by small people don't cloud you to the bigger picture.
Take Care
Lesley
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 21:01 |
sandra
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Re: have i got it all out of proportion?
Thank you for your replies, after talking to you guys yesterday I did contact my church and we have a church meeting next week anyway and its been put on to be discusses and review of the rules on flowers etc. I should have thought of that but was too emotional to think clearly, i do feel better now because hopefully I will be able to change the rules as its a fairly new area of 2 years it was minuted in when setting it up to be reviewed. In answer to kate question no I cannot not just dig his ashes up (I wondered that too) i would have to apply to have it done, so out of the question. I have alot of support at the church - my phone was like a hot line last night so hopefully we can get the rules changed.
thanks to you all for your support yesterday, I knew you would understand, it was nice to know that I didn't just over react.
love and hugs
Sandie
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 09:07 |
Cyra
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Re: have i got it all out of proportion?
Hi Sandie,
So pleased that you contacted people at church and that you are getting support. Thanks for letting us know.
Take care,
Cyrax
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 18:08 |
