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Topic: peolpe telling me how to...
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sherri daily
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peolpe telling me how to...
I am new to this site but i just want to know if any of the rest of you are sick and tired of other people telling you to grieve in your own way but here is what you should do... I am really getting to the point that I am going to tell someone off. I would appreciate some feed back on this.
Sherri
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 17:45 |
Joanne
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Re: peolpe telling me how to...
Hi Sherri,
You know what gets on my goat more than anything else is people telling me that I 'should get out more and meet new people'. If I hear that once more I'll scream and if I had a pound for everytime someone has said that to me I'd be hiring David Beckham as an escort! I was never much of a party animal before. Why the hell am I going to suddenly start now?!?!
It's the old 'at a loss what to say' syndrome. I've been guilty of it too in the past but I just wish people would realise that if they are at all worried about what to say then say nothing. A touch on the arm and a hug can mean more than 'advice'.
Take care
Joanne
xx
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 18:04 |
Christine (Ceebs)
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Re: peolpe telling me how to...
Hell, yeah, Sherri. A widder's place is most definitely in the wrong.
If you're quiet, you should be 'letting it out'
If you're letting it out, you 'should be strong'.
If you just need to be as you are for a while, you should be 'taking control'
Take control of something and you shouldn't be making major decisions...it goes on and on.
I'll just say that the only tune to dance to is your own. We all feel our way through this; none of us are experts, we just (sometimes) know what works for us to get us through the day, and that it may work for others. With the best will in the world, without the unwanted inside experience we all have, we'd be as clueless as the rest of the world.
I used to try and politely ask that people just let me get on with it. A couple of times I just ranted on here to people who KNEW what it felt like, got it off my chest, and it prevented me alienating the well-meaning but intrusive nearest and dearest who were just trying to help. There were a few close calls though....
Take care
Christine xxx
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 18:07 |
Another Kate
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Re: peolpe telling me how to...
Yep, I think if I heard:
"If I were in your shoes - God forbid! (or "knock on wood!" and other such expressions) I think I would..." one more time...
Or the other was often something along the lines of: "Well when this happened to my cousin Larry's third wife's fourth cousin, she was just soooo amazing! I really admire how she handled it all and she was so much worse off than you"...
Gee, thanks for the pep talk there. I feel so much better. Really. No need to say anymore. REALLY!
Sorry, Sherri, no help but yep, I have been there.
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 02:26 |
ChrisJ
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Re: peolpe telling me how to...
Hi Sherri,
Another way to look at it is that these people offering advice are caring enough to try and help. They mean well but, Yes, I know most of what they say will probably be unsuitable and may in fact be aggravating or totally rubbish. Unless they have had the pain they won't know what it feels like. Even if they had suffered such sadness what may have worked for them (or even worse when it becomes anectodotal about someone else) doesn't mean you have to follow or actively listen to their supposed and assumed (by them) wisdom even if they have the bestest intentions.
The other side of the coin are the people/friends/acquaintances who just can't deal with or mention the loss you have experienced. You get blanked from people you expected more (or something at least) from.
Many many years ago I remember going to a prenatal class (with my wife) and the wise midwife said that the best thing to do with advice from parents/in laws/relatives/friends etc. is nod your head and ignore whatever they are saying since it is not worth arguing over.
Now's the time to nod your head!
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 14:15 |
sherri
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Re: peolpe telling me how to...
Thanks for all of the response. It does make me feel less alone to know that I am NOT alone. I wouldn't wish this on anyone else though. Steve was my soul mate and the love of a lifetime. I do have a sort of funny one though. He's been gone for about 4 months, people are ALREADY trying to set me up. I was married to my husband for 26 years for God's sake! Are they nuts or what?
Sometimes i feel like i just put one foot in front of the other to get through the day. My other favorite is that since i am now single i get volunteered to do all kinds of committees etc. Do these people not know me or what? I didn't get into some of this crap before Steve died i'm most certainly not going to just volunteer myself for everytyhing now just to have something to do!!!!
Posted on 11/07/2008 at 02:59 |
