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Topic: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
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issy
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a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
have read replies to my earlier post re bad timeing and have decided to write a book with the above title.! some of the comments said to us are so truly awful that i am hopeing we can all reach a point where we snort with derision rather than feel it like it is now ...a blow to the stomach I know people dont mean it but aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!.
Posted on 07/07/2008 at 23:42 |
tbd
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Brilliant idea my favourite so far was someone suggesting that I get my eggs frozen, at the funeral. Bring it on, I say! Shall I go now or wait until after the wake has finished? It still makes me laugh
tbd
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 00:09 |
Shelley
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Hi Issy, Often something I think I would love to do, I'm sure we could have material for more than one book.!
I honestly believe that most people mean well and insensitive comments are normally borne out of just simply not knowing what to say. Although I would think 'please say nothing at all if you cant say the right thing, I would then feel very let down by those that didnt speak! They couldnt win really!
However seeing your post I just needed to share the cracker that my MIL said to me about a week after R died, we were talking about how I was finding it difficult to eat much, she patted me on the thigh and said ' Well there you go, at least this will be a chance to shift some weight then!!!!!!!!
Definatley a time when less said is better!
Love to all xxxxx
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 00:16 |
becs
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Having recounted a story about how the man fitting my kitchen offered to tile my floor for a pretty big
discount after I told him that 'no - my fella couldn't do it as he had passed away 3 months earlier', my not so tactful friend was heard to utter the words 'so you got it cheap beacuse you made him feel guilty'. Cow.
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 00:16 |
Jenny K
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Shortly after I lost my beloved Ken to cancer a 'friend' was complaining about the council tax bill she had to pay ...................she then pointed out that I was "lucky" as I "only have to pay the single persons council tax now".
Bring on the book, we could ensure that the vast profits go to some good cause....................
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 00:52 |
Christine (Ceebs)
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Here I go, Issy....
'I know how you feel. My mother just died. Another two years she'd have got her telegram from the Queen'
Some poor old bugger of about 70. I feel bad now that I snarled at him, (he'd just buried his mother for heaven's sake!) but I still call him Numbnuts.I mean come on...I really don't do competitive greif, but a 98 year old dying in bed with her great-great grandkids around her! My fella was 41!!!!
'I know how you feel. When my dog died I was devastated'
Some old bint at the funeral, wearing a hat like a tea-cosy. To this day, none of us know who she was. She was either at the wrong funeral and never noticed, or he had a bit on the side who was at least 60 years his senior.
'I suppose you miss the sex then'
One of his acquaintences! He didn't get an answer, just a withering glance as I calmy kneed him in the nads.
'It must be awful dying when you're in the middle of your holiday'
An elderly neighbour. Bless her, the kids and I still still laugh about this one. I'm just sorry I answered with 'Actually I'd imagine'it's pretty shit at anytime' I'd be more tolerant now.
A cousin who he hadn't seen for at least 20 years on hearing that I wouldn't allow anyone to see him.
'Would you mind me seeing him in the coffin? I never got the chance to say goodbye'
For what it's worth, nether did his kids or I, but I think a 20 year absence is as good as a goodbye in anyone's money. Incidentally I told her to feck off.
There may be more to follow. I'm remembering these all the time....
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 02:08 |
Another Kate
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Okay, my list includes the usual 'chestnuts but there are others...
"Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." (not true, many people remain broken)
"God never gives you more than you can carry." (so if I do come out of this, not great shakes on my part, right?)
"Are you going to grow your hair now?" (that is just weird, isn't?")
"You're young, you'll meet someone else." (siiighhh)
"It's all up to you now." (thanks, was so totally unaware of that)
"Isn't there a little relief now that you are free." (I would have given anything to be able to go back to the hospital, home, hospital, home, hospital, home routine)
"Wo (you know cattle cowboy thing, can't think how to write it). that's a lot of money, lucky you." (I know they meant better with than without but still just not good!)
"How ARE you!" (But it has to be shouted out in a large crowd, usually at the morning dropping off kid at school and I am looking like a sac of shit with sunglasses on for really good reasons!)
If it is any consolation, I do tend to laugh at these more nowadays. I still hate the things that were said while he was sick though. Can't get over those.
To be fair, you should include a 'do' list for all those poor unitiated. My favorites were the people who just greeted me with: "It's good to see you."
Take care
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 02:55 |
Jan
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
I have a few from mindless people
Oh the weight loss suits you have to lose a husband more often!
Your looking well' while I am hiding behind sunglass's to cover my swollen eyes.
Arent you the lucky one at least you get to keep everything.
Welcome to the singles club men are a pain in the ass anyway.
Bet you will be shopping for a vibrator now.
( the mind boggles.)
Bet your looking for a toy boy now!!
bet you miss him my cat got run over last week.
Wow you lucky thing you will have so much more time on your hands.
Oh I am sorry but think of all the things you can do now.
Lucky you the TV all to yourself
Oh I am sorry I lost my mother in law 3 weeks ago so know how you feel.
Well you want to try going through divorce & see how that feels.
Well its no good wallowing in self pity is it.
The list is endless, I must admit though I never realised how hard it was to lose a loved one till I did myself, it gives you moe empathy to people who have, only we understand.
xxx
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 08:20 |
PipsG
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
I'm snorting at all your posts on this thread...!
Here's one - from my Mum
"I knew he was going to break your heart"
Yeah, but not in that way, I suspect!
and from my Mum again:
"Maybe that was the price you had to pay to have another child" -
Hmm, haven't got my head round that one yet. I was pregnant when he died, but still can't fathom that one!
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 09:12 |
ali
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
"So what are you going to do now?"(BinL -day before he died)
"I’m not very good at this." (SinL. -How do you reply to that? Don't worry it only takes practice)
"Will you be selling the house?" (Neighbour)
"I know how you feel."(Several people obviously with ESP)
"Well its a new life." (Said like Mary Poppins - wouldn't have been surprised if she burst into "Just a Spoonful of Sugar"
"At least you can follow your dreams now" (Oh great I forgot about that)
"I’m sure I know that name. What did he look like?" (At the bank when closing his account )
"You should have a holiday. Where would you like to go? " (Know where you should go!)
However, its much worse when people don't say anything at all or avoid you. The letters and cards were/are such a comfort.
This site is great. I keep reading and have never posted. Thank you. xxx
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 09:22 |
Sue W
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
They are really astonishing aren't they - these things that people say! Many of those that have been said to you have raised my hackles only two have made me respond though.
The poor (?) chap who phoned Ian about a magazine subscription and on being told that he was dead said 'oh that's alright'. It was the last straw as it had been said before. 'No, actually it isn't - it's far from alright. He was 48, healthy, slim, gorgeous etc etc ' I blazed back at him for quite some time. He couldn't get off the phone quick enough.
My mil - the most tactless person that has ever been born - told me on the phone about a week after the funeral 'well, you certainly sound alright' in that tone! She and my lovely but weak fil got a letter explaining exactly how I felt about their wonderful son and that I would never, ever, ever be 'alright'. OK maybe but not all right.
However I've said it before and will keep saying it - my ultimate bete noir is from those glorious souls who have been absolutely nowhere over the last 20 months and yet, when you bump into them, tell you that they've been 'thinking about you'. The next one who says it is really going to get it.......can't wait!!!
Definitely think a book is very good idea - maybe extend it to 'worst things to say to a widow/widower' though. I'm sure the blokes must get just as bad things said to them.
Sue
x
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 09:26 |
rebecca
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
"How are you? and how is the baby, I can see that you're pregnant" (9 months after death of N)
"Never mind you've got two kids and they're a lovely souvenir of your marriage"
"You and N were one of those couples that just didn't go together"
bless'em!
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 10:42 |
Chrissie
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Here's a few: -
"Never mind, I'm sure you're fine, after all you've had time to get used to it " - he died of cancer.
"Its done you good, your more assertive than you used to be " - bl**dy well had to be !
"You've lost weight, well you were geting a bit heavy" - weight theme seems quite common!
There was also the couple who came to see me a couple of days after he died, they hadn't seen him for two years. She sobbed and sobbed in my living room and I'm saying 'Its me that should be crying not you', they promised to do every thing they could to help and needless to say haven't seen them since, didn't even come to the funeral. Just a few people are really strange aren't they?
Love to all
xxxx
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 11:11 |
Claire
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Many of those already listed - and this one, from my boss a few days after the funeral:
"so what is it exactly that is stopping you from coming back to work?"...!!!
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 13:35 |
lynne
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
hi issy
Me to dentist to whom Michael went for 25 years:-
"I have to tell you that MIchael has died"
Dentist to his dental nurse:-
"there you go - that's why he hasnt why he hasnt booked an appointment"!!
Then on with teeth - not another word I promise
Take care issy
Luv Lynne
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 14:04 |
Mary P
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
One from my sister (bless her):
'We love you too much to think of you being sad'
As if that's going to make me feel better when my heart has been torn apart.
Oh well, mask firmly in position.
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 14:17 |
sophia
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Maybe I shouldn't laugh - but actually it is funny - very painful, but funny.
Travel agent 4 wks after J died
'What happened to him?'
'Massive heart attack - he died instantly''
Her (brightly) 'Well, that was nice for him, wasn't it!'
SIL three days after he died
'What are you going to do now?'
Close family friend on news that concealled smoking habit voided life insurance
'we saw him smoking in the car'
This was on a theatre trip with eldest daughter who has been so ill with grief and has not forgiven her father. I barely made it home, I was staggering so much. Did everyone know except us?
BIL on new years day
'At least my father stayed loyal to my mother after she died' 9 yrs of torment for him, 30-40 for me???
Also
'He only smoked marlborough lights' So he knew as well...I'm an idiot clearly
Also
'I started taking statins (for cholesterol) when I was 26 - I told J he should too.' Didn't tell me though. Cholesterol killed him.
Colleague he had worked with for 9 yrs
'Can we have the mobile, and computer back?'
Employer - Large car company with zillions of cars who worked my J to death
'You can have the car for £10K'
J's eldest Cousin
'We can't do anything for you' Well, I am grateful for the honesty.
All this has knocked my trust in the world. But I am also grateful for the loving care of my parents, sister and a handful of loyal close friends.
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 14:40 |
sophia
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Oh sorry - just one more
ex-neighbour - two wks after death, sitting in my lounge with tea and cakes I had prepared for her - me feeling as if I had died
'I just had to come and tell you when my father had a heart attack he was rushed to hospital and was saved!'
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 14:47 |
ChrisJ
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Tis no easier for w'wers.
How about:
"I can't imagine how you are feeling" or "what you are going through".
Hmm, well thanks for trying!
"It must be difficult" or "It can't be easy".
Sherlock Holmes Course on Deductive Reasoning for Patently Obvious Enlightenment.
Organisations when they write:
."..difficult time for you".
What they actually mean -
"We really don't care about you and your sad circumstances or our inability to process whatever we have to do for you in a timely and competent manner since you will be too distressed to pursue any complaint against us and mess-up our targets for Customer Service. This "difficult time" gives us a chance to delay and incovenience you at no cost to ourselves".
They got that one wrong.
Cold Callers. You know you shouldn't.
"Is Mrs J. there?"
Me: Can I ask what it is about?
"Sorry can't tell you, Data Protection Act".
Me: Hmm, this could be tricky.
Another:
"Am I the next of kin?"
Me: No, I did not marry my sister or daughter and its not only because I don't have a sister or daughter or because I don't live in the Forest.
"Does Mrs J. have a copy of her Death Certificate?"
Me: Not as far as I am aware. Do you want me to check?
"We have to abide by her wishes".
Me: Oh, somehow you know what she wanted better then me even though I was married to her for 24 years...
Sorry I have to stop otherwise I could be here all afternoon.
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 14:56 |
Sally
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
i probably should laugh but reading all those just made me feel so much better!!
thank you all...there is definately a book waiting to be published,!!
love to all
sally
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 14:57 |
Janet
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Buliding Society girl on paying insurance cheques into childrens accounts "Someones a lucky girl then!" - actually they've just lost their Daddy.
and of course there's the "cheer up it might not happen" cue grimace.
Then there's the house insurance company worker after me explaining that he's died in a car accident and could they remove his name, then asking if I want to buy car insurance! They don't seem to be able to deviate from the script.
Oh and one more; after my Dad died trying to get someone to sort out a cable TV problem and explaining that he'd died Cable person "I need to speak to Mr Y, we can only deal with the customer" me "well you can't I just told you he's died" cue flustered apology. They really should learn to actually listen.
Look forward to the book
J x
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 15:08 |
CV
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Issy
This is a great post and some are very entertaining. I have a few of my own although they aren't as gobsmackingly insenstive as most.
Colleague, 4 weeks after my husband had died 'any light at the end of tunnel yet?'. Same colleague 6 weeks after my husband had died 'light at the end of tunnel yet?'. I was ready to implement three strikes and you're out, but he hasn't asked again. Thank goodness.
And then my dear mother 'well dear he used to cook for you during the week'. Quite, but he wasn't Gordon f'ing Ramsay. It's certainly not the M&S; Chicken Enchilladas he so skillfully placed on a baking tray in the oven that I am missing that's for sure!
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 15:38 |
Richard
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
My step mother to me on seeing one of Frances beautiful watercolour paintings the day after her funeral
"If you ever want to get rid of that I would love to have it"
There was only one thing I wanted to get rid of at that moment and she was standing right in front of me , but I was too stunned to reply
Richard x
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 15:55 |
Richard
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
And another one....
Some years ago two days after my mother had committed suicide
a counsellor to me ....
"i expect its a relief she's dead now isnt it"
I have searched the internet for the "When The Client Is Down Go For The Jugular" counselling course
but so far to no avail.....
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 16:19 |
Annie
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Issy, you must publish these quotes!
You have have had so many replies. For me, it was, (2 weeks after death) "something wondrous will come out of this". (You what?)
Love Annie xx
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 17:34 |
issy
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
thanks girls keep them coming iv obviously hit a tender area !
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 19:21 |
Di
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Is there nothing you could do, like pay for a private surgeon?. ( Yes, but I don't like to bother the doctors besides I'd rather watch your Dad die than part with some cash.)
That gem was from his son in A & E when he was told the bleed was in the middle of the brain and they couldnt do anything.
On calling several of his friends to let them know about Dave their response was "your kidding me"..... (Yes, you got me. I think its hilarious ringing up someone and telling them their friend of 30+ years has kicked the bucket when infact he's in the livingroom watching girls aloud on DVD.)
"Pack your shite and get out the house" (Any chance we can get the funeral out the way before you start laying claim to what you think your entitled to? Which BTW is F**K ALL!)
That was from his daughter -the blood sucking greedy witch who didnt bother her backside with him then suddenly reinvented herself as the best daughter on the planet. Ever. Oops, that became a rant!
Just call if you need anything.... (How does that work then? At 3am when I'm in hysterics cause I miss him so much I cant breathe will that come under "anything"? )
"I was just thinking about you" (Oh right, that'll be why I havent heard a thing from you since the funeral.)
You owe it to Daves memory to carry on with finishing the house.... (But it was OUR project! Why the f**k should I care about central heating anymore, why shouldnt I just go to bed and stay there till the sky falls on my head. Dosent mean I love him any less cause Ive not wallpapered the hall.)
"Only the good die young" (Riiiiiiggght! Shame he wasnt more of an arsehole or he'd still be here, eh?)
Hey, this is quite theraputic! lol
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 19:31 |
Tracey
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Bank call centtre person upon being told he couldn't speak to Gary as he had died ' oh that has really thrown me' - what the hell did he think it had done to me?
Mum 4 weeks to day 'well you are young enough to meet someone else'
Boss at my appraisal last week (almost at 15 weeks) ' well i expect you are moving on now' - NONONONONONONO NO
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 20:18 |
NicolaT
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
oh I love this thread,.. here's some I've had:
"have you thought about getting a dog?"
"time heals" (from FIL just before Christmas - yes thanks I feel so much better for that particular platitude)
"it was a good death" (FIL again - because it was instant and he didn't know a thing, that made it just great!!)
"when I die, I just want to keel over" (yes it's my FIL yet again, telling me how he thinks that just keeling over is the way to go. perhaps for him, probably not for the person who has to try CPR etc etc)
"sometimes I wish I had what you have... the amount of arguments we've had about bringing up our child, at least you get to make all the decisions" (fellow new mum, just this weekend gone as we compared notes on childcare!)
"ooh I nearly died" (lost count of the number of people who say this as a throw-away flippant comment about some minor surprise in their life)
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 20:20 |
issy
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
this is fantastic everyone can we make this one of the biggest threads for a while!!!!!!!!
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 21:25 |
Paula W
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
From I thought,one of my two best friends:
Oh you must be really missing Peter now its winter and its all cold and alone in your bed.
Ouch!! Turn the knife in the wound!
He died the previous February.
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 21:29 |
Jenny W
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
People really do say the dumbest things don't they!
Some I've had - from my Mum 'I know just how you feel, it's just how I felt when your Dad left me'. Umm not it's not he' still alive!
From a neighbour 'Well, at least your young enough to meet someone else' This was after 4 weeks!
'Were there any signs?' - don't you think I would have done something if there were (Tony died of a heart attack and no, there were no warning signs, but I feel guilty enough that I should have known something was wrong without people making me feel worse)
One of the most comforting things that anyone has said to me came from one of my best friends the day after he died. She came to see me and just sat with me for a couple of hours. When she left she said 'any time you want me to come and sit with you and be pathetic and not have a clue what to say you only have to ask' and I have, many times!
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 21:31 |
Ruth B
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
ok, my few...
You must be thankful ! ........ WHY??? he wasn't ill, he was 35 and dropped dead suddenly - it was said by a church friend of MIL refering that I should be thankful he was now with god and not with me and his 2 children, I nearly biffed her!
Oh you are so fortunate, think of all the fun you can have, I'm so jealous! ......said by bank staff as I paid in insurance
Are you pregnant?....... Said by my darling mother on numerous separate occasions, her stock quote whenever I feel sick. Bless her grrrrr!
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 21:33 |
JaneR
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Oh I do like this thread :-)
I'm so sorry Jane, I don't know what to say . . . [brain wave] but you're young and you'll meet someone else - that was 4 weeks after the funeral
This wasn't strictly "said", but for my birthday card, 2 1/2 months later, I got a card from a "dear" friend which showed the funny side of life - on the front was a picture of a little grey haired widow, sat at a computer, looking at internet dating sites - yep, I sure rolled on the floor with laughter at that one - witch!
Same friend, you're so strong, I would be distraught on the floor, how do you do it, I would be a mess, I just couldn't cope ... WTF - she was very strongly corrected on exactly what it was like!
Son's birthday party, same friend [who I thought I had graciously given a second or third chance to], informs me that she felt very upset at his party and I hadn't looked after her ... mmm ... that might have had something to do with the panic attacks, pins and needles and breathing problems I was having at the time, trying to put on his first football birthday party without his Dad.
Guess what, I've lost contact with her!
A few days before Xmas, my son's school friend mum comes to pick up her kid, starts nattering about her plans for Xmas and then tells me that "of course, xmas won't start properly until hubby comes home from abroad, it just doesn't feel like Xmas until he gets back" ... mmm go figure!
You should go back to work, keep busy ... unfortunately they (inlaws) also said that to my boss who was at the funeral and they then made it their "mission" to get me back to work as soon as possible ... 3 weeks was fine, plenty of time to get over my grieving. Up at 6oc, 2 hrs driving every day, sitting down at 10oc at night - oh yes, and increase her hours to, pile on the pressure ... path to quick recovery NOT! No sign of inlaws to help out whilst I struggled to keep up with the punishing regime.
"My Mum has died recently", with deep empathy in their eyes ... yeah, what are you telling me for?! She was near 80!
You are better off than your sister (she left her partner and messy divorce), at least you have the endowment - yep that is such a comfort!
Soooo, what do you DO of an evening then, it must be really boring - said by a drunken lady who was actually laughing as she said it ... friends held me back literally on that one!
Have you met anyone yet? Why is that a cure and noone told me?
However, the all time CORKER ... wait for it ...
is a Funeral Director with a sense of humour ... the FD informs me has brought Andy back from the hospital, I peer down the corridor because there are lots of doors off the corridor and I'm wondering where exactly he is, and the FD smiles and says, oh he's not down there, I've got him in my cupboard upstairs .... dah dahhhhhhhhhhhh. That's the same FD that I had to fight to get the donations money from him and eventually got it about 6 months later, although his shop front did get a nice face lift in the meantime!
Oh dear, I have gone on... and there are even more! Still, there's a few for a book! xxxxxxxxxxx
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 21:33 |
Caro
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Yes you must write this book...!
When I confided in a friend that I had met up with a group of other widows and widowers, she said 'oh that's good, just so that you can feel like you are not such a freak!'
Not speaking to her....!
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 21:34 |
Lesley B
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Great Thread Issy
My FiL collected the ashes from the funeral director for me - They put the container in a little muslin bag to disguise it a little I suppose - He phoned me to say "I have the remains - they are in a sock, we've put him behind the sofa til you get here" Well, saves him being a nuisance I suppose.
Sneaky one this - Holiday Company when I called to cancel forthcoming break "Oh, how sad was it a shock" Me, No he had been ill for some time - they followed this with a letter saying they wouldn't refund the money we had paid as we already knew he was ill and the insurance was void.
"You are so strong, If it were me I would be all over the place". That's cos I never really loved him I suppose.
Nodding to the mutual friend whose husband was out with friends - Oh, Snap your'e a widow she's a golf widow.
"If anything were to happen to my husband ...I don't know what I would do.." What do you mean IF, it's WHEN - do you think I chose this.
"You are coping well" - theres a choice? cos when I registered it they never said And will that be coping or non coping?
"He would have wanted you to do this/that/some other thing" - I never knew you were privy to his innermost thoughts, you only met him 4 times a year.
Oh, theres so many - but how many have I said before I joined the club?
Take Care
Lesley
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 21:41 |
Marilyn T
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
What a great response to your post Issy - I can relate to many of the comments but the worse one for me was from one of my neighbours - the others were fantastic but this particular one hadn't been near me all the time B was very ill - B died a few days before Christmas and about 4 weeks later she called to see me and the first thing she said as she came through the front door was that she and her husband had had the worst Christmas ever - they had both caught terrible 'colds' - needless to say I have given her the 'cold' shoulder ever since. I find it hard to believe that some people can be so devoid of any empathy at all whilst others, sometimes people you don't expect, can be so warm and caring. Good luck with your book Issy.
Marilyn T
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 22:58 |
sandra
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
issy,
fantastic post!!
hubby's friends wife at restaurant to celebrate her hubbys b'day 3 mths after R died
, me (gooseberry) and one other couple . given a table with 6 chairs , she says ' Oh look is that chair for the ghost Ha! Ha! ' I could have clocked her one !.
Colleague from work 2 weeks after funeral 'never mind ,you'll meet some other new hunk' and 'I had a word with the boss because R always kept you short of money ! now you can spend whatever you want! said with stupid smile on face.
'he was my best friend (had'nt seen him for 7 years) Do you think he would have known that ? Has'nt been seen since funeral.
SIL to 14 yr old son 'you're the man of the house now .
'be strong '
aaaaghhh
why are people so stuuupid!!!!
hugs to all Sandra
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 23:17 |
sue
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Here's one from my car insurance company when I phoned to change the policy to my name and explained why, "So could you please let me know rhe expiry date, madam?'
Me, 'I think it expires sometime in November. Hang on I'll just look at the policy documents.'
'No madam, I am meaning what is the expiry date of Mr S.'
Posted on 08/07/2008 at 23:37 |
G
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Issy - this thread has given me such a laugh at a time when being able to laugh is precious, you must publish!
I've already had a lot of similar comments directed to me too, only 6 weeks after A died & expect I'll get a lot more yet, especially when I go back to work.
My worse ones so far are a neighbour who came round to offer condolences but couldn't stick with the topic & proceeded to tell me about his recent holiday in South Africa & his visit to a notorious suicide spot - and that is supposed to make me feel better HOW? Also, my lovely mum who has been so supportive & empathic, except for saying 'I don't know which is worse really, being widowed or divorced, being divorced is somehow seen as not respectable' - I'd rather be totally and utterly unrespectable & have A alive every time! Though I know her path as an older, divorced woman hasn't been easy and she'd never mean to hurt me.
Thanks to all of you who have shared your worst moments! G
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 00:33 |
Lynda
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Stuck at end of table in jazz pub with very slightly pissed friend of friend on 1st venture out at about 4 weeks, trying to do my best not to ruin everyone 's evening: 'I've been wanting to ask you: aren't you lonely' ... 'No, but surely you must feel really lonely without him' ... 'But you must really miss him' ... 'I'm really interested in how you're coping so well because you must be very lonely without him' ... 'I'm so sorry for you because it must be incredibly lonely without him' ... ... ... HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (How could I possibly be lonely you a***hole, when I've got people like you to keep me company)
A bad apple in an otherwise wonderful basket of glowing, rosy coxes pippins whose every word was designed to help me heal.
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 00:35 |
Lynda
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Just thought of another one - from one of our very best friends. 'He was a great guy when he was well'.
What the hell does that mean ? He was the greatest guy who ever lived whether he was well, ill, dying or gone.
Oh, so perhaps he was only a great guy when you were enjoying him, selfish p****
(apologies for increasing bad language)
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 00:43 |
Lisa
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
nd there's my husband's best friend who says ," We think of you often, but we are just so busy." It is always so much better to be busy than to be a decent human being! I have seen him maybe 4 times in the year since the funeral.
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 06:46 |
Yvonne 1
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Yvonne1
Another husbands best friend - or so called friends, many of them - we think of you often, but the road by your house (A44) is so busy its difficult to stop - gawd help us!!!!! if thats all they think of P and me!
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 07:20 |
Liz
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
About 18 months after, my sister on getting a new dog, "I missed the old one so much that after 10 days I had to get a new one."
I don't think I've quite forgiven her that one!
Thanks for this Issy.
Take care all, Liz x.
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 09:45 |
Jenny W
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Thought of a few more-
'At least he didn't suffer' and 'well, that's the best way to go isn't it'
so I should be thankful that he died of a sudden heart attack at only 49 then should I!
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 09:53 |
Julia HH
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
I am sure there were loads in the last two years, but somehow I cannot remember many...
One that sticks in my mind - a few months after Terry died and VERY rare phone call from a very close relative. I pick up the phone with a morbid sounding hello as usual: "Oh, what is this voice for?"
A colleague, a few weeks after me returning to work, on me replying that it may be difficult to have a good weekend: "Oh, why is that?" Had to explain: "My husband died." he knew it perfectly well, as it is a tiny company.
Nursery staff, cheerily: "Have a good weekend, won't you?" Can't blame them, really - how would an 18 year old know what it feels like? Still, hated them for saying it!
Very recently, a new colleague, who I told about what happened only recently: "My husband snored all night, so I told hm in no uncertain terms - I am NOT going to miss you when you are away on your business trip!" and it went on and on and on. I managed to restrain myself somehow.
Garage door saleman (invited in by ME to assess and quote): "When is your husband back? I would like a word with him." "He is not around", "When may he be around?" "Never, he is dead, so you have to deal with me?" The guy was completely unphased and proceeded with his business as if it was perfectly normal to talk to a 30 year old with a dead husband. Pig.
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 10:43 |
Gilly
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
In Alicante airport, yesterday...
"hello, Madam,are you from the UK?Could you spare a few mins to do a survey?"
No probs, i replied.....
"Are you married?"
"Widowed"
"Wel. you can't take part in this survey...it's only for people with partners.....2
to which I replie"i'm sorry, I only have a dead one..."
He didn't blink...just walked off....
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 10:49 |
C
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
By no means an exhaustive list, but...
'It's a blessing you don't have children' Said 1 wk after the knock at the door... (and yes, we were planning to have them)
'Well, it's easier for you because you sepnt so much time apart anyway' Really? So calling each other almost every day and acting like kids whenever we came home to each other doesn't count then?
'His poor Mum, it must be so hard for her. You can meet someone else, but she won't have another son' O. M. G!!!
And of course the seeminly standard
'you're young, you''ll move on'
'you need to keep busy and not dwell'
or the worst kind of nothing at all...
This post could run and run!
Cx
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 11:05 |
annmarie
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Brill thread issy
This one was said to me all the time from everyone "at least you was use to him being away" (Dave worked away Mon - Fri). Well this is a little different no phone contact, text messages etc. People are so clueless or tactless!!! (thats being polite!!!)
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 16:38 |
Chris C
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
My hairdresser said, `Well, you can have the remote control for the TV now` What!!!
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 18:24 |
carrie
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Thanks Issy - great thread - the book will be a best seller - well, everyone on here will buy it anyway!
"Tell yourself everyday that he's not coming back and then one day you won't have to say it anymore".
I just don't get that at all!
"Crying won't bring him back"
Yea, of course I know that!!!
Still, have had some lovely words said to me as well so I'll forgive the stupid ones.
Posted on 09/07/2008 at 23:31 |
Harriet S
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Dear Issy,
I love your stand point.
Except this... You need to retitle! What you (and I!) want to do is write this book from the stand point of everyone who has ever known someone who has lost somone close.
Ask Kate for my email address and we can do this from best sellers point - trust me my own family have given me howlers.*
Worst things to say to a widow does not help anyone. We need to sell it from the other side ....
Every time I look at the five guitars, the banjo, the ukuele, the mouth organ and the keyboard (on top of the piano and cello that I already own) I think we only should shed positivity!
Get in touch Issy.
harriet x
Posted on 10/07/2008 at 02:22 |
Lesley (IoW)
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
Tony died of cancer 4 months from diagnosis, my SIL who he had only recently got back in touch with, 'When mum died it was so much worse... at least he didn't suffer like mum..... he will be at peace he is with mum now.....' How much worse could it get for Tony ?? lost power of speach, mobility, independance ! I did put her straight eventually, sadly she only gave me the cold shoulder for a day .
A 'friend' 4 days after death 'so have you got rid of his stuff you cant keep it for ever ' yes I can
Lesley xxx
Posted on 10/07/2008 at 07:23 |
Lesley B
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
One More - though strictly speaking this wasn't a bad thing , just an odd question.
Will you be moving now?
I live in a small 2 bedroomed house 10 miles from where I work. I still wonder if they thought maybe we had a bedroom each so I should now look for a one bedroomed place somewhere else. Well, we didn't and I'm not.
Lesley
Posted on 10/07/2008 at 08:09 |
Sue
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
A recent one that is p*ssing me off has come about as a result of 'nocturnal activity' with an extremely unbelievably beautiful young man (yes, I know - what on earth is he doing with me but hey - who am I to complain?!!). And it is - 'don't get involved - you don't want to get hurt again'. Well, no I don't want to get hurt but I'm going to unless I spend the rest of my days wrapped in cotton wool in bed (on my own!). Nothing ventured nothing gained. It can't go anywhere because he's way younger than me but equally he's far too beautiful to reject!
I know they mean well but surely I could just be allowed to exist on this little cloud for a while without having cold water thrown over me?!!
Sue
Posted on 10/07/2008 at 09:14 |
Heather
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Re: a book entitled "worst things to say to a widow"
I've just remembered these two beauties. They happened 20 years ago after my first husband, Patrick, died when I went back to my parents to live for the lomgest 6 months of my life.
a couple of months after he died and I'd been out with some girlfriends it was quite late at night. I put the key in the door only to find that I had been locked out.. After five minutes of frantic ringing on the door bell my father opened the door
"This is a terrible way to behave - youare a widow you know". I was only 30 and really had no idea how a widow should behave.
This one is from my mother.. patrick had only been dead for 3 weeks and I was all over the place and had a dreadful cold. I was in bed and crying uncontrollaby
" I hope that you are going to cheer up tomorrow". I didn't
hugs to all
Heather
Posted on 10/07/2008 at 09:27 |
