Merry Widow - Discussion Board

Author

Topic: sorry but thankyou

PJH

sorry but thankyou

I rarely post and feel sorry about this: I feel guilty because I read most of the time and feel I should contribute more. I'm not ready to help anyone but can I just say that you are all amazing people making your way (somehow)along the worst journey ever, step by step, and those steps, believe me have kept me forging on for my children.

I am at 15 weeks and have had the weirdest highs with the lowest lows. I still want to join my loved one in his new life (not suicidaljust want our life back) but I also want to show my children how good this world can be and all of everything we planned together. We truly loved life so much as a family and together. and I feel so bloody robbed of all of that.

This site has been the glue that has kept all the fragments of me together. Thankyou for being here all the time and for asking nothing in return.X

Posted on 08/07/2008 at 00:05

tbd

Re: sorry but thankyou

I sometimes do post and often do not but today for no apparent reason am a lot. It helps to know that I am not the only one who often just reads rather than writes. I yearn to be with my boy so much and life is too quiet here. All of those lost dreams. We have been robbed - a friend likened it to winning the worst kind of lottery ticket and that is true.

What would I have done without this site? I would have felt very isolated.

From here I learnt how to concentrate on only day by day and minute by minute which saved me so I would like to join your thanks to everyone here and with you the best on your journey. I wish you well and you are in my thoughts tonight.

tbd

Posted on 08/07/2008 at 00:27

Jan

Re: sorry but thankyou

Hi PJH
I am not surprised your not ready to help anyone else!!!
15 weeks into the journey is so little time, you are still reeling.
You need all the support you can get yourself, so dont feel guilty about not being able to help others yet.
You keep putting one foot in front of the other, & scream from the rooftops if you have to to get you through.
But most important keep posting here, it was my lifeline in the early days.
Its no good telling you it does get better yet, because you wont even be able to comprehend that yet.
Its not an easy road with so many twist & turns, but we survive it.
My shoes are easier to walk in now, as yours will be one day.
Make sure you look after yourself, as your immune system will take a jolt.

Big Hugs
Jan xx

Posted on 08/07/2008 at 08:35

sandra

Re: sorry but thankyou

Hi to you both,

I just wanted to agree with both, yes this site is a lifeline with the only people who truly understand how we feel, who shows us that we are not going mad just in so much pain though our grief, unfortunately till we have walked in these shoes on one understands at all, they may try to but they can't till they have worn these shoes. So may I join you in say thank you all for your support and understanding.

May our journey get easier or may we just get stronger in coping with our new life, our unwanted new life.
I read on here once its not that its gets easier but we learn to adjust in time, and some how I think that is the key.

love and hugs to you all
Sandie

Posted on 08/07/2008 at 08:51

Mrs M

Re: sorry but thankyou

Dear PJH

I am so sorry you had to find us, but glad that you did. This site is a light in the darkness . You will post when you feel able, just keep reading for now and know that we all understand.

It is nearly two years for me. I don't come to the site so often now, and I rarely post because I do find it hard to find any words that don't sound like platitudes. You are at the very beginning of this journey, and I know you don't need me to tell you just how bloody awful it is. When I look back at how I was feeling at 15 weeks, I'd say I was still in shock. It took a long, long time for the incredulity to pass. Paul was killed in a motorcycle accident (no one's fault, just a hideous combination of circumstances) but I hadn't wanted him to go out that day as we had just been approved to adopt a little boy and were due to be collecting him one week before the accident happened. So I was bloody cross with him for a very long time! I saw a Cruse counsellor for a little while: you can say things to someone outside the family that they will not judge you for. I wrote a lot in a journal just to help me remember all the things that I loved about him. I adored him, I still do. But he lives in my heart and he hasn't really left me, in a sense he comes with me into the future. He may have died but the love hasn't, Death has no power in that way.

I used to be completely terrified of the future: thinking about living as long again without him as I had already lived (Paul was 41 when he was killed, I was 42) made me pray for an early death. I wasn't suicidal - I wouldn't have done that to my family as they had enough to deal with (my youngest brother bascially smashed himself to bits in the same accident, was in ITU for three weeks and wasn't expected to live for the first week, let alone to recover. He has defied everyone by making an incredible physical recovery, but his head injury has left him permanently changed, and sadly not for the better). However, I didn't want to fight, not at the start. At some point, and I can't be specific about when it was (it wasn't a "eureka" moment) I just starting fighting back. A total "fuck it" approch (apologies if profanity offends, I am one of the ignorant inarticulates that find swearing very expressive). I decided the Grim Reaper wasn't getting me too, and I got up off my imaginery canvas before the referee had counted to ten.

Looking back, some days, a spirit of total defiance was the only thing that got me through. Some days I got up and got out of the house because I didn't want to let Paul down (how bizarre was that) but now, most days, I do it for me. And for my little boy. I didn't give up on my dreams of becoming a mum, I went forward for approval as a single parent adopter and my little two year old moved in with me on the 2nd May this year. He is at nursery now so I have some "me" time again, though I have to say I wish he wasn't at nursery, I miss him.

Try not to think too far into the future for now if you can, and take one day at a time, even one hour at a time. Try to look after yourself physically, keep talking about your beloved and keep his memory alive. See, all these words, they sound so fatuous don't they? I know how soul destroying it is just to make yourself get up each morning, up out of the bed you shared with your beloved, knowing that they won't be there when you return to it at night.

Please know that the journey does get less painful, and all of us here wish you the strength to make it.

I also wish you love and peace.

Angela
x

Posted on 08/07/2008 at 11:01

Jan

Re: sorry but thankyou

Nuala

Re: sorry but thankyou

My husband was killed in a motorbike accident 13 months ago, and I remember coming to this site in complete dispair, as my pain was so great I couldnt believe how overwhealmed I felt! I hated the world and everyone in it, and didnt want to listen, I couldnt imagine life without Geoff and didnt want a life without him. My highs and lows were awful in the beginning, and it is very early days yet for you, and I feel the pain you are experiencing. All I can say is now at 13 montsh on, never thought I would smile, laugh or move on with my life but all I can say is that I have to my surprise. I think of Geoff everyday and miss and love him still, but my pain is a hell of a lot less and my moods are back to a normal level if that makes sense. It is very early still for you so go easy on you. You have done great just posting on here. I felt so bloody robbed not just for me but for our daughter also. We were emigrating to Canada to be with my family, but that new life went with Geoff, and we are stuck here very much on our own, but it doesnt seem so bad now I guess. I am building a new life for us now, with more happy memories to build. Well done and my heart goes out to you, You are not alone. Take care.

Posted on 08/07/2008 at 23:00

Denise J.

Re: sorry but thankyou

I don't often post and mostly read, which I have found a great help, but some days feel able to reply to "easy" or even jokey posts. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I want to contribute but can't see a light at the end of the tunnel myself yet. My husband died suddenly 5 months ago and sometimes I still can't believe it, it still seems like a waking nightmare. 15 weeks is early days where reality is starting to kick in so don't feel guilty about not helping others, keep reading and don't be afraid of posting if you need help.

I have found great comfort from this site and don't feel so alone. I would also like to join you in thanking everyone for their help and advice and for just being there.

Denise
x

Posted on 09/07/2008 at 11:39