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Topic: 34, childless & a widow what happened?
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Angie
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34, childless & a widow what happened?
Hi,
I have posted on hear a few times but not told my story which unfortunately is no different to anyone else's on here, Martyn was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia after being married for only 10 months, if this wasn’t bad enough he then suffered 3 stokes & a brain hemorrhage leaving paralyised down his left side not great situation at 30 yrs. old. This however didn’t stop him with his strong determined he started his physio even though he was going through a second round of chemotherapy & then a bone marrow transplant with his brother as his donor. He got out of hospital 5 months later physical changed however this didn’t stop him re-starting his business from a wheel chair with only one working arm and a smile on his face. Learning to walk in just a few months. Unfortunately M relapsed in Feb 08 and this battle finally proved to much for him, & he pasted a way on the 7th May 2008.
2 months on and it's finally sinking in the numbness is starting to wear off and I don't know where this leaves me, no hopes or dreams left the fight gone so what now? I have just returned from a holiday for a week with 2 close friends but that has left me feeling empty & worse like the last 6 years with M didn't happen back on that single girls holiday again, I don't want that to be my life anymore but don't know how to change it. I loved being married & sharing my life & his life we were great together, happy successful with his business so many plans for our future and we always laughed togterh no amtter what.
Has anyone gone through IVF after the loss of there partner? We did want children but didn't get the chance. I do feel alone, but do have a great number of family & friends however i don't feel I'm connected to them, I am back at work which sort of helps. I feel like I just filling time with no meaning.
I have been offered counciling through work has anyone else had it? does it help?
I am also so tired can't sleep haven't slept for nearly 2 years since M got sick, did sleep for about a week after he died but that's it's any advise don't want pills but I think sleep will help.
This is just one long ramble so sorry if it makes no sense, not really sure what I'm looking for in a reply either.
Angie
Posted on 13/07/2008 at 17:41 |
Joanne
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Re: 34, childless & a widow what happened?
Hello Angie,
I'm like you. I was 34 when I was widowed (I'm now 35) and I'm childless. The only difference is that I'm just that little bit further along in the journey than you.
It's awful when the numbness wears off because it seems that it's at this time when people stop asking how you're doing and you're just left with a total sense of emptiness. A nothingness that is unimaginable to anyone who hasn't been through what we have.
Being slightly further along I can say that there are glimpses of light in the tunnel. They are shortlived and it would be wrong for me to tell you that you'll be fine at ten months because everyone is different but I think I can smile and mean it now and I'm not crying every day. I'm still thinking about him all day every day and I don't think about the future. One day at a time.
I could not consider IVF. My situation is not good in some ways. I had a termination in 2000 with my love's baby. It was hurried and I obviously regret it now. Unfortunately we were not offered the chance of keeping sperm prior to chemo and it didn't cross my mind. The main thing was to get him better.
The one thing that I can recommend is counselling. I'm seeing a lovely lady from Cruse. They have a website and you can call a local branch that will be able to put you on a waiting list. It took nearly three months but hang in there because even if you think you feel better it will help you so much so talk.
They say acceptance is the last thing in the process of bereavement. I'm a long way from that but if I can make it to ten months I know that you can.
Thinking of you
Joanne
xx
Posted on 13/07/2008 at 18:38 |
adrienne
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Re: 34, childless & a widow what happened?
dear Angie, so sorry you find yourself here. Unfortunately, you are right, your story is similar for many of us (ours is very similar).
Jim was diagnosed with Tcell-ALL in May 2004, exactly 10 months after we were married. He was 35 when he died in May 2005 (I was 32). He also had a bone marrow (neither his brothers were a good enough match, they found him a donor in Perth, Austraila) but relapsed 6mnths later. We have a son , he was one when Jim was diagnosed and the 1st thing I insisted on before they begun the induction chemo was the chance to store some sperm.
I honestly dont think i would have used it for IVF, even tho' I'd love for my son to have a sibling. We were living in Germany at the time and under German law, the sperm was distroyed atfter his death, so i never had the choice.
Its now 3 years since Jim died, I still read here some days. I can honestly say things are okay. You do learn to live with the grief, then you learn to live without it. I am happy most of the time, going back to work and getting on with life definately helps. i havent met anyone new since Jim died (would like to but i hasnt happened). I went to a therapist last year (just after 2 years anniversary) and it got me through a bad patch. I imagine that sounds way in the future for you, but yes, councelling can help, if you get the person who is right for you and at a time when you want to try it.
I hope you find this forum helpful for now, writing about it can certainly be helpful.
take care Angie
ps. I found Kalms help me to sleep but its probably psyhcologial.
Posted on 13/07/2008 at 18:40 |
Gilly
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Re: 34, childless & a widow what happened?
Angie
i'm 36 and Paul died in Oct 07.
We didn't have children - I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma the year after we were married and my chemo left me infertile.
I've just got back froma week away with friends...it was lovely...a chance to relax and unwind, but all the time i ahd that same sense of loss and that nagging feeling...where did my marriage go? I don't wan tot be ona girls' holiday...I should be away with Paul.
I would really suggest that you go for counselling..if you'd said to me a year ago that I would be working with a counsellor I'd have laughed...but beleive me, it has helped me regain a little bit of clarity of thought.
As for sleeping, I didn't sleep at all well for several months and even now my sleep isn't great.
I couldn't stay by myself for about 9 weeks and instead lived with family...even now I stay at home about 5 nights a week and with my sisters some of the time.
I still can't really believe that this is it...this is my life now...it just doesn't feel fair.
I wiah I could offer you advice or comfort...what I can offer is support and empathy.
It is good that you are back at work...i went back v quickly and foundit , whilst exhausting, gave me a little bit of a focus.
Take care
gilly
x
Posted on 13/07/2008 at 18:54 |
NicolaT
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Re: 34, childless & a widow what happened?
Hi Angie
I'm pleased you've felt able to share more about your situation and to ask for help. What can I say that will help you? Possibly nothing, because no words can change your situation, your new, unwanted reality that takes you on girls' holidays instead of couples holidays. But just knowing that others further down the path are reaching out to you may bring a small bit of comfort.
I'm nearly at 18 months and in some ways it is hard to remember the searing agony, the almost-physical pain that accompanied my grieving, my disbelief, the horror of my husband dying at just 34 years old. It gets better and easier but it does so gradually, and to be honest you need it to get better gradually, you wouldn't trust your emotions if you suddenly felt fine only a few weeks into this journey and could suddenly make your life different. Your body and brain have their own process and that process will take you through horrible lows, numb and neutral plateaus and even quite bearable, sometimes happy points.
I agree with you that sleep is important. I don't take any stance on sleeping tablets, but it is probably worth talking to your doctor and also thinking about other ways to help such as self-hypnosis perhaps.
Don't push yourself too hard, you have lived through your husband's illness and you are now only 2 months on from his death. Life inevitably feels empty and you will find ways to fill it that you enjoy, in time. Right now your mind still has a lot of thinking to do and so if your job is do-able and you can function ok then it may well give your mind a few bits of rest during the day from that horrible whirlwind of thoughts and processing that goes on for a lot of us in the early days.
As for IVF, that is a huge huge step. It might be something that you want to do but it's definitely not something to rush into. I am being prescriptive and telling it like it is here because the reality of single parenting is tough. It is draining, leaves no time for you and can be very emotionally difficult too. It also closes down your future options enormously, because one day in the future, not too soon, but one day, you will, I promise, want to live properly, for yourself. You may want to retrain, work hard to get promoted, move abroad, go travelling. You might just want to take up a hobby that you do at evening classes. Having a small child gets in the way of all of these things which may be very important in your road through grief. Keeping your options and ideas open is no bad thing, and I would never say that you shouldn't do something ... just don't rush into any big decisions. Hope that doesn't sound too harsh.
I also wanted to say that your M sounds amazing, a very brave and inspirational man indeed. You must be very proud of him.
Posted on 13/07/2008 at 19:38 |
claire
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Re: 34, childless & a widow what happened?
Hi Angie,
i read your message with a sense of deja vu. i lost my husband in April 2005 after he had T-cell ALL. he was 35 and i was 31. we had no children and had only been married for 8 months, although together for 8 years. we had saved some sperm which at the time i thought i would use but as time went on i decided that maybe i did not want to bring a child in to the world on my own.
18 months ago i joined match.com as i felt that i really did not want to be on my own forever and had little chance of meeting anyone at work/friends etc. i was lucky enough to meet chris. he is everything i was looking for; kind, caring, loving, understanding etc. He propsed a couple of weeks ago and we are getting married in october. suddenly there is happiness in my life again. my husband is not forgotten. he is talked about a lot and will always be a part of my life. however, i know that there is life out there to be had. my husband had told me that he didn;t want me to be alone. he wanted ot me to "find someone else" as he had put it. i remember screaming at him at the time - how could i possibly do that?? but you have to move on with time. it;'s so early days for you and i would not suggest that you move on yet. i am just letting you know that there is life after death. you will get there.
Regards, Claire
Posted on 13/07/2008 at 21:05 |
paula
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Re: 34, childless & a widow what happened?
Dear angie,
Your husband sounds like a truly amazing man...
Im so sorry you have joined us here but we are all here for each other on this journey.
My husband died 22nd april so nearly 12 weeks ago, very suddenly with no warning. He was 44 and im 37 and we have no children. We had been together for 16 years, married for 7.
We had a lot of financial responsibilities that had prevented us from having children...seems like a silly reason now but thats how it is and i cant change it. My first thought was how i wished we had kids so a part of him would live on but i know thats selfish. But i also know that its very unlikely i will ever have kids now and although that makes me sad i would only have wanted them with him. The thought of ever meeting someone else,for me, is unthinkable but i know others will say they also felt like this early on. It doesnt scare me though. I have loved and been loved by my man for a long time and some people never have that so i will treasure it always and carry him in my heart.
Only you can decide on ivf. Its a big decision so think long and hard and im sure you will work it out in time.
Im glad you managed to go away with your friends..i know its not what we planned but youve done it and your husband would be proud of you. Im going away with in laws on friday for a week in the sun(already booked for all of us before N died) so i will go and try to make the best of it ,for me, for my husband and his family. It wont be easy, there will be a hole in my heart, and there will be tears but i will do it.
As for sleeping, i have to say i have no answers. Bit of a thing of the past for me. My family and friends are not far away but i have pets who need me so i stay here most nights.
My doc gave me tablets to help me sleep but they made me dizzy and made me feel like i had a hangover so stopped taKing them. Maybe if you feel up to it do some excercise. Walking,swimming or cycling which should make you naturally tired enough to sleep. Im planning to start this when i get back, especially as im planning to try and go back to work part time soon which involves alot of driving so need my sleep!
Sorry ive not been much help, but im here for you, as we all are on here. If you want to contact me via email just ask kate for my email address. No worries if you dont want to just keep posting on here whenever you need to.
Love paula x
Posted on 13/07/2008 at 23:28 |
Karen
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Re: 34, childless & a widow what happened?
Hi Angie
This is my first time on one of these sites and the whole 'widow' thing is very new to me as I only lost my hubby 3.5 wks ago. We had been married for just 1 month though together for almost 8 yrs. He was 37 and died very suddenly from cardiac probs whilst we were on hols in france with friends (no previous medical history, he never went to the doctors) . Hell of a shock especially as I was a cardiac nurse for many years!!
We were starting to try for children as he wanted to do things properly and be married first (which I appreciated at the time), I am so so desperated for kids and have been for a number of years. Ive found out this week Im defo not pregnant, which is another kick where it really hurts! Stewart (Stu) would have made an amazing Dad.
I feel like my whole life has just gone in one moment. We only moved into together in Jan this year when we bought our first home. We had a distance relationship for 7yrs, then I decided enough was enough so moved 160 miles away from my friends and family to be with my man. Started a new job, but I was happy with Stu. We had so much future together - now what? I havent even had time to transfer paperwork into my married name or enjoy being a 'Mrs'! Its all so s**t.
Soz , Im probably not helping you much here am I! but its good to talk and to people that know. I have contacted Cruse, who were fab to chat with on the phone, but say they dont tend to do 1:1 sessions at home until after bout 3 mths.
Sleeping for me is not too bad once I actually get off, though I am doin so much just to fill my day that Im so exhausted by the evening!! Ive looked into getting a hug arm pillow, shaped like a body with an arm!! Something to cuddle into at night - quite expensive though.
Anyway, be good to keep in touch or with anyone else on here if you feel you'd like to.
Sorry for going on, but I feel abit better already!
Big hugs Karen xx
Posted on 14/07/2008 at 00:04 |
Alison mad pig lady
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Re: 34, childless & a widow what happened?
I hardly post anymore, 2 and a half years since Dave died.
A similar story in some ways. Met in 1995, married 2003, first symptoms early 2005, died 9 months later after chemo, radiotherapy etc. for brain tumour, unable to walk for the last three or four months, died at home. I was 37 when Dave died. He didn't want to become a father so we hadn't had children - that is, I guess, where the difference in our situations begins.
I'm turning 40 in August, and have had my moments of confusion over the issue of childlessness. The situation once Dave died was so different. Suddenly children were unexpectedly back on the agenda, with the hideous knowledge that if I met someone I would need to go through the process of decision making very very quickly given the biological clock ticking.
I did meet someone, he's 37, never married, never had children. It's been really hard to talk this one through, and we've still not stopped talking, although I am sensing we are both reaching a point of being comfortable not to pursue kids. It's too soon in the relationship in some ways even though my age forces the issue to the forefront.
With a life I didn't choose ahead of me, it would have been, for me, the biggest mistake to restrict my future options by trying to have a baby on my own. The future could bring anything, and anyone. I would suggest not being in a hurry to decide, but definitely don't exclude the option of taking the IVF route. I would earnestly suggest taking the time for yourself to grieve before complicating your life with this big fat decision!
Posted on 14/07/2008 at 09:47 |
Angie
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Re: 34, childless & a widow what happened?
Hi,
Thanks to all of you that have replied it's good too know that your not alone in all this.
The IVF part was just a question really not planning on any big decision for a long time yet.
Have purchased some herbal sleeping tablets so hopefully a whole nights sleep tonight.
Thanks to you all
xxxxx
Posted on 14/07/2008 at 20:55 |
