|
|
| Author |
Topic: Am I a Nut? re; the in-laws?
|
Michelle 2.0
|
Am I a Nut? re; the in-laws?
I have read here and other sites time and again that widows are upset their in-laws are distant from them or whatever. Am I the only one who wishes theirs would back off?! I suspect it is totallly socially unacceptable to deny help offered,etc, but I can't deny my insatiable need for space and time to myself to work out my feelings about loss of my husband 11 months ago. If you can believe it, I totally lost it over my FIL fixing the toilet (loo?) today. Wouldn't have been such a big deal if I hadn't specifically asked him not to do anything around my house without my full prior knowledge and uinderstanding a month after the hubby died. The FIL had taken it upon himself to replace my side garage door with a steel one in place of the wooden one and then proceeded to put two huge steel braces with a wood 2x6 across it to further barricade access. I about verbally creamed him by shouting that I would not be made to feel afraid and incapable and that he should not do anything further to my home, etc. He seemed to understand but then several months ago managed to break my furnace by simply changing the filter (again without my asking). I did not say anything then as I was just too damned tired, but today I had it. Of course I had the sense to wait until he had fixed the loo he managed to break and then told him that he had probably figured out I was none too happy about the whole proceeding, having told him before to leave my house the hell alone. It led into an hour's discussion in my front yard before he left and ultimately I feel it will be for the best but for now I feel a mess (aside from the several glasses of wine the neighbor has now cheerfully provided). There are many layers to this onion, but someone please tell me I'm not nuts. I need to grieve on my own terms, not theirs. He "cautioned" me that my reluctance to accept others' help is putting them all off. Did it occur to him that maybe I NEED the space to process and they're not giving me enough? I could go on and on, but I'll try to restrain myself. Please tell me this is another variation of "normal"!
Posted on 19/07/2008 at 06:22 |
Jan
|
Re: Am I a Nut? re; the in-laws?
Hi Michelle
I am sorry you are feeling like you do
but they have lost too, thier son.....
& perhaps feel they need to step into the breach to help where they can.
It probally helps them, albeit making you angry.
Cant you come to some compromise? I would love the help & welcome it.
I havnt any parents or in-laws so its different for me.
I realise you need time to grieve alone, we all do....but too much time alone with jobs building up is also a nightmare.
At least they have your best interest at heart, which is more than can be said for some.
Sit down calmly & talk to them & try to resolve the matter without annimosity.
Sorry I cant be of any help except to say send em here
Posted on 19/07/2008 at 09:25 |
viv
|
Re: Am I a Nut? re; the in-laws?
Hi Michelle
my guess is that they feel closer to their son by remaining so close to you. Grief has many manifestations in inlaws.
Nearly 7 months on and mine are possessive by nature and their personalities are definately exaggerated at the moment. This is proving a difficult time for me as probate matters are drawing to a close and they have really struggled to accept that D had left protection and security in place for me. We have had been together 3 yrs and living together for 18 mths when i lost D. I had sold my home and compromised by moving in with D as practically it made more sense as his business was next door!! We renovated the family home D had been brought up in and the deeds were transferred into his name- we couldn't have done all the work without my resources. the home has been left to his children and the money i put in and a bit more was left in trust for me by D. My inlaws have not accepted that i have a right to that money although they know i will have to start again and buy anothet home for me and my son when the time is right for us.
They have wanted it all including full control over everything! I am so glad that D protected me. I t has been emotionally draining as i have had to set some boundaries which i have had to constantly reinforce. I have had to really have alot of self control with my anger as i have felt nothing short of being violated ny them.
I am feeling a lot clearer now and i think that by quietly working towards being independent and having full control over my life and keeping my distance has helped. It may be helpful to think about what kind of relationship you want with your inlaws. This will then help you to gradually put some boundaries in place but at the same time reassuring thme that you are not pushing them away but it's about you getting your independence back and establishing a new life for yourself. Has your FIL got a key to your home? if he has i would aks for it back of just simply change the locks.
Sorry if I've rambled but i have been on steep journey with my inlaws and this has been hard to bare!!
be kind to yourself and try not to expect too much.
Posted on 19/07/2008 at 09:25 |
celia
|
Re: Am I a Nut? re; the in-laws?
do i seem to be the only one byt my inlaws are great wanting to do jobs for me although asking first .inviting me to spend time with them and even wanting to go on holiday with me.perhaps it could do with the fact that both my father and mother n law were both widowed .her in her 40's same as me. on the other hand some of my own family also widowed are a pain in the - i would like to throw them into the nearest pond just to cool them of
Posted on 19/07/2008 at 11:46 |
Another Kate
|
Re: Am I a Nut? re; the in-laws?
Hi Michelle,
I have to disagree with Jan's assumption that your in-laws have your best interests at heart. It seems to me that they only have their own best interests at heart as they are doing what makes them feel good even though they know it infuriates you. You expressed your need for independance and your need to find your way through this and they have ignored it. Yes, they are grieving and yes, they lost a son and a brother etc... so they can all choose to grieve their way. If you were the type of person to grieve in their way, then there wouldn't be a problem. However, you are not and it is not your responsibility to help them grieve. Again, they have each other but you are the only one to grieve the loss of your husband. They have no right to impose themselves and their needs on you. You have enough to do.
In my case, the 'best' of the in-laws tried to 'fill the breach' but only in their own way and time. If it is something that I want to do, it is not important to them and they make no effort but have fully expected me to twist myself inside out and backwards to accomodate them. They think alike so that is what seems right to them. I still get furious at the times when they tried to step in and 'advise' me by speaking in terms: "Well, I don't think he would approve of..." They had no idea who my husband was because he had done all his growing up away from them and had come to terms with who he was and who they were and was secure enough not to have to try and make them acknowledge anything or try and change them. The idea of my husband approving or disapproving of anything I did is really quite funny. He certainly disliked many of my decisions but I wasn't his child so we worked it out.
Boundaries are an absolute necessity in certain relationships. It would be good not to act too rashly and as viv advised, determine what kind of relationship you want in future (I have kids so cannot just walk away from mine) and take it from there. I would write it all down and send it to them. You do have to be prepared for their reaction, though. Hopefully it will be the outcome you want but you just never know how people will react. I just don't see it getting better, though, on its own. They seem to be adopting the: "Well give her some time to 'cool down' and then we'll start all over again" strategy. I know that this drives me insane.
Oh, and if bil has a key, I would just change the locks and let him know you have done it. Nicely, as in: "Oh, by the way..." I remember asking my sil for mine back and she turned it into a whole thing. She fully expected to have full access to me and girls!
Good luck
Posted on 19/07/2008 at 13:48 |
Kym
|
Re: Am I a Nut? re; the in-laws?
I think Another Kate's reply say's it all. It's about you and what you want.
Over the years I've been driven mad by the mantra "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" - it sends me intom a frenzy of NO NO NO.
Just because we like something does that me that's what others want? Definitely not - if that were the case we would all be clones!
I like far better "Do unto others as they would have done unto themselves" - that takes time patience communication and understanding.
So my thoughts would be say what you want and stick to your guns.
Good luck
Kym x
Posted on 19/07/2008 at 14:16 |
