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Topic: went mad with the shears
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Lyn
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went mad with the shears
I bought a new pair of shears and decided that it was time to hack back the overgrown garden that R would have had well under control.I started positively and quite neatly but as I progressed my thoughts became more intense and I felt myself get angry and distressed as my poor tired brain went through all the same old things,why did cancer strike us ,why did my poor love suffer somuch,why was our future stolen.....hack cut slice....Why am I left to do everything?..why do I have to be the one who takes all the teen trauma on the chin on my own...why am I unblocking plugholes and mending toilets.....hack....hack....chop.....why am I struggling to deal with all the finances...why do I always feel so mentally drained even though I try so hard to be positive with my daughters...I finally ran out of energy and I dropped the shears and collapsed into a chair.I stared at the garden and thought what the hell is going to become of me ?....and then I had a good sob and stared at the empty chair next to me and thought what happened...what the bloody hell happened to my life?
sorry, its nineteen months and I should be better than this but I feel so fragile.
Posted on 23/07/2008 at 22:14 |
lYN m
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Re: went mad with the shears
sorry, Im Lyn m....dont want people to confuse me with fellow Lyn who I think is also at nineteen months.
Posted on 23/07/2008 at 22:15 |
Sarahh
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Re: went mad with the shears
Oh Lyn - so sorry. It always hits me when I've been doing a string of things that Andy and I would normally have shared. There just doesn't seem to be enough time to manage everything on your own does it?
I've had these thoughts myself too recently, also related to being in the garden - I was (am) the keen gardener, Andy would mow the lawn, cut back trees, strim etc. SO now I plant new things and do the others, obviously not often enough and so the grass always looks a mess.
I had my tea out in the garden tonight with a glass of wine. It really hit me how alone I was, I could hear others in their gardens but here I was, sat alone, thinking about how much Andy would have loved being here with me.
Anyway, sorry to talk about me, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with this one and wanted to send you a (((hug))) x
Posted on 23/07/2008 at 23:26 |
Lyn M
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Re: went mad with the shears
Hi Sarah, I like hearing about you, dont be sorry.Gardening can be theraputic but it was always a shared thing and now it does feel so strange.
I too sat alone for a while today and just thought how angry I was that he has been denied the simple pleasure of sitting in the evening sun after a day at work.
Isnt it all just so awful?
Posted on 23/07/2008 at 23:49 |
Lisa
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Re: went mad with the shears
Lyns and Sarah,
I also miss sitting out in the garden in the evening, especially. Watching the sunset and then the stars come out. I saw my first Perseid meteor of the season last week. My Bob died during the Perseid meteor showers last year. It is truly so very sad.
Posted on 24/07/2008 at 05:43 |
Jenny K
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Re: went mad with the shears
Hi Lyn
I can totally understand how you are feeling. Ken and I often used to sit in garden and play backgammon (he made a table big enough to take our casino size backgammon board).
The garden has a high wall so it is completely private. He built a banda (sort of African bamboo shelter) so we could be sheltered from the sun -I live in sunny Torquay, the English Riviera.
Now the garden is a bit of a mess as my back problems make it difficult for me to bend and lift and my financial problems make it impossible to pay someone to help.
I know he would be disappointed that I have let the garden go somewhat - although he would understand. On the rare occasions I do sit outside witha drink I can hear my neighbours enjoying their gardens as a family and it does make me feel very lonely. This is not how it was meant to be.
Jenny K
Posted on 24/07/2008 at 08:53 |
LesleyP
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Re: went mad with the shears
Hallo Lyn. I am also coming up to 19 months and my garden could do with me going mad with the shears - I just don't have the energy!
I always miss my husband most in the garden. We used to sit out there with a glass of wine on summer evenings and, like you al, am sad to think what he is missing.
Hope today is a better day.
Love L
Posted on 24/07/2008 at 08:57 |
Lyn M
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Re: went mad with the shears
Thanks as always for your kind replies, I feel so sad for us all.
Today has been a better day thank you and Ive achieved a fair amount.I avoided sitting in the garden, my 17 year old daughter was out there with her boyfriend enjoying the sun so that was good to see.
I had the radio on and heard an old Quo record,rockin all over the world,and it made me smile to remember myself doing the 'thumbs in the jeans waistband 'dance ,so popular at seventies discos, I also had a bit of a hip swing to Boogie nights....I used to love dancing so much and I realised that I hardly ever do it now, Im going to make an effort to dance as I do the usual chores.
Hope you all had a better day too.
Posted on 25/07/2008 at 00:06 |
