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Topic: I'm soooooo fed up
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K
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I'm soooooo fed up
I've not been on here for ages. I'm 7 months down the line and doing OK. I have a new fella in my life and he's great. He knows all about C and accepts that I compe with what most people call baggage, I call him Joe, also 7 months old.
My sister-in-law has just found out about my fella. She had the guts to turn round and say "it's a bit quick". A) She doesn't know whow long I have been seeing him and hasn't asked.
B) What the hell has it got to do with her.
Is this just mee being haertless, or am I pretty much speaking the truth?
Please someone help me, I'm so fed up and sad. She will have no idea how I am feeling. My baby was 9 days old when his daddy died, does she not thinmk I have had a lot to cope with. My counsellor thinks I've done really well and was so glad when I told he I had a fella. I asked her if she thought Iwas rushing, she like me said you can't put a time on it.
HELP
Posted on 23/07/2008 at 22:24 |
Fran
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Re: I'm soooooo fed up
Dont let a kill-joy spoil your happiness.
I know loads of us here will be delighted you are doing so well and have found a guy to help you through.
I dont believe in things being 'too soon' or even 'too late' If it feels good it's right.
Good luck and keep strong.
Love Fran
Posted on 23/07/2008 at 22:42 |
Liz
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Re: I'm soooooo fed up
I agree with Fran but just a word of warning: are you certain about him? What does he get out of it? And you and your son? Sorry to put a damper on it but once bitten, twice shy
Make sure you are happy with the arrangement and don't make any major decisions until after your son's 1st. birthday.
After that sod your sister-in-law!
Wish you well whatever you decide. Only you can make that decision.
Take care, Liz.x
Posted on 23/07/2008 at 23:23 |
Joanne
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Re: I'm soooooo fed up
Hi K,
I'd say follow your heart. If your sister-in-law had been through the same as you then there is an overlap of similar feelings but we are all different and what's good for one isn't good for someone else.
She doesn't know how you are feeling and what you've been through and you have to hope that she never does.
I've been told so many times that the most important person now is me and you should feel the same.
I'd give anything to feel truly happy again in whatever form that may come and we all have to keep striving to find a way to live and not just exist.
If he makes you happy and your little boy likes him then what can possibly be wrong with that?
I wish you all the luck in the world.
Joanne
xx
Posted on 24/07/2008 at 06:48 |
k
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Re: I'm soooooo fed up
Thanks for your comments. It's nice to know someone understands. I have known my new fella longer than I knew my husband, so what does that tell you. He knew what had happened has been in touch with me from very early on, so I think it somethink that has developed. I have asked him what his intentions are (ha ha ha) and they seem to be honourable. God that sounds old fashioned, but I am sure you know what I mean. He loves my little boy and has promised to always treat him like he was his, but accepts that I have to let Joe know exactly who his daddy is. I guess my in laws were always going to find it hard to accept me finding someone else. But how do I explain to them that I don't love my husband any less. I miss him as much today as the day he died.
Posted on 24/07/2008 at 09:35 |
tbd
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Re: I'm soooooo fed up
You are right - it is up to you and whatever you feel is fair play. I would also say that it is quite soon - unexpectedly, happily, not anything wrongly, soon. If I had told you 7 months ago you would be so happy with someone new now what would you have said? It may not be just that your sister in law is critical - more protective, and you finding someone new is another little bit of her brother that maybe she feels she is loosing? She inevitably cares about you but will have mixed emotions about it whenever you found someone else - even if it was 2 years away. My in laws have said they want me to find someone new eventually but if i did, I think they would find it hard and that is natural and I would expect that. Besides which I have no idea when eventually would be! so I suppose I am saying it is fantastic and great, enjoy all the happiness but don't be hurt if your in laws find it difficult as they will see you moving away, which is okay but hard for them and I doubt that any time would be any better. If you can, ignore the comment and keep enjoying your new happiness.
Posted on 24/07/2008 at 10:46 |
Lisa
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Re: I'm soooooo fed up
Dear K,
I am sorry to come at this with a word of caution, but at six months I too got involved in a relationship with someone who had been there, supporting me from the beginning.
I fell in love with the idea of being saved, while this man fell in love with me - he promised to take on my kids and even proposed to me and for a while it swept me off my feet and eased my grief so much.
Two months later I woke up and thought "what am I doing". I realised I was only delaying my grief with this relationship and that it was far too early to be comtemplating anything serious.
I aplogise for this being all "me, me, me" but I see similarities between what you are going through and what I went through over a year ago.
When you say this new man is promising to treat your son just like his own, that does worry me slightly because I don't believe that at 7 months either you or you son you are really, truly, hand on heart in a place to have that kind of relationship.
I may be completely wrong and to everyone on hear all I wish is happiness. But I know only too well that short-term happiness doesn't make all this go away.
I honestly hope I haven't offended you and I certainly don't mean to come across as a "been there, done it" type. Take care and I think your sister in law is only looking out for your best interests, just as I am.
Lisa xx
Posted on 24/07/2008 at 13:27 |
Celia (Old Celia - hello to New Celia too)
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Re: I'm soooooo fed up
Hi K
I'm at 22 months now and have just got engaged to the lovely widower I met at the 'shamefully early' 5 month mark - my sister and brother-in-law are still not speaking to me and my mother & father in law are not impressed but very loving, I hope that one day we will sort things out. My friends and my lovely Dad are delighted, my grown-up daughters love him now they've got used to the idea.
Just a word of warning - only go further if you really can't imagine your life without him in it - not because you need him to prop you up but because you love him so much that he is your future, warts and all!
The timing is not really important unless you are still in the wobbly jelly phase - that lasts for different times for different people, although it comes back at regular intervals I've found...if this man is right for you, the new love will be just as good, but probably very different.
Another good test is, would your husband have got on with him, even if he's a different sort of character? Is he reliable but still exciting? Does he make you feel special and loved? And the main one - does he make you laugh loads?
I hope it works for you, we all deserve some happiness. Take care
Celia
Posted on 24/07/2008 at 18:07 |
S
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Re: I'm soooooo fed up
reading this thread with so much interest. I am at almost 6 months but I am really finding comfort with an old friend who is soo in love with me and I don't know how I would get through each day without his support. Timing is a tricky thing and different people would be ready at differnt times, though i must admit I would feel awkward about my new relationship being common knowledge amongst our friends etc. But then as widows it feel as if the whole world has an opinion on what is best for us or what will "do you good"!
Read Lisa's post with interest, I'm fairly sure my new chap is genuine and really wants a future with us all together as a family ( I have 3 girls), but are our feelings genuine, K?
Could we just be postponing the inevitable overwhelming grief (not that I'm not sad now - I am devasted) I do agree that feelings for someone new doesn't mean we love our husbands any less.
Good to hear from Celia, so not inevitable that it will end in disaster! Any other happy endings after a "too soon" relationship.
It is so complicated, doing two things at once - grieving and having new tender feelings. So in short (sorry to ramble) I guess you should follow your heart but remain cautious, you and your son have already been through so much. Wishing you all the luck in the world.
Posted on 24/07/2008 at 20:03 |
k
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Re: I'm soooooo fed up
Thank you all again.
My sister in law is very selfish, that is something I have sussed out over the few years I had with the family, so nothing she says should suprise me really. I think it hurt more than anything. She is in no position to pass comment. She has her nice house with her husband who works hard and her 2 lovely step kids.
Anyway enough about her. My fella, he's a nice bloke. I am confident that he is being genuine with me, but I do understand what you are all saying, and I have taken it on board. I promise to be careful. No, we are not at a stage to be discussing him treating Joe like his own, but I think he was trying to reassure me, if that makes sense. We are taking it slowly. He hasn't met any of my friends or family yet, sorry he has met my mum, dad and sister. He understands that somethings will be harder for me to do. I'm prattling on aren't I.
Oh and just so you know, his brother (who I went to school with) also lost his partner 1 month before my C died. So I think he understands a little more than some blokes would.
Anyway, I like him he likes me and he likes my little boy, so happy days and see how it goes.
Posted on 24/07/2008 at 23:58 |
