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Topic: Resurrecting intimacy
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Anon K for a reason
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Resurrecting intimacy
Dear All,
I need some advice from those who've been along the same path. My husband died 21months ago and in the New Year I met someone new. We've taken it very slowly and the time has now come when I would like to take it further and sleep with him.
I met my husband when at 6th form college and have only ever been with him. My new man is caring, understanding etc but I am giving myself panic attacks at the thought of being naked with him let alone being physical even as I write this.
He knows that I've not has many partners but we've never really chatted about it as he's quite a private person. I do know that he's had about 5 sexual partners though. I do want to be intimate with him, there's no question about it but it's getting from A to b that's making me nervous
I know that emotions at the time will help and to let nature take its course but I'm so afraid that he'll know I'm inexperienced.
We've arranged to go away to a lovely hotel next weekend and I'm now thinking of backing out whihc would be silly as i've arranged for my children to stay with my parents.
Do I tell him my worries or what ???. I just need advice, actually reassurance if honest, from someone on here who's been there to confirm everything will be alright.
Sending this message is making me hyperventilate as it seems so trivial after all I've been endured.
Thank you for listening
Posted on 27/07/2008 at 08:48 |
becs
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
Hi K,
I wanted to reply even though, at 4 1/2 months I don't really know what you are feeling or experience, but I can empathise.
I understand all of the thoughts and feelings you are having as when I think about the prospect of eventually getting to teh stage that you are at, I feel sick.
The one thing I would say is that this man seems very caring and given that you met at new year and it is 8 months down the line and he doesn't appear to be pushing you into doing anything you don't want to do, that he seems like the sort of chap that would do his very best to understand your concerns and maybe just sharing them with him will ease the uncertainty that you feel.
You don't have to sleep with him, but that doesn't mean you can't be intimate. Take small steps as you are comfortable with it and go easy on yourself.
I haven't gotten there yet, but I do remember how i felt to the buildi up and during losing my virginity and I can imagine that the feelings you are having are not dissimilar - worried that he'll realise you are inexperienced and all that is associated with taht feeling.
I don't believe that experince comes from sleeping with numerous partners - you and your husband experienced something together and you learnt about each other as your relationship developed. You learned what each other liked and and the physical side of your relationship would have been based on pleasing each other.
What your husband liked will probably be different from what this chap likes and you will eventually have to learn all over again. I think it is a journey and a shared experience to be enjoyed when you feel the time is right.
Don't do anything that you feel uncomfortable with, but enjoy your weekend away - perhaps talk to him before you go, so that your weekend is not marred by your thoughts and feelings on this subject.
Good luck xxx
Posted on 27/07/2008 at 09:23 |
barbs
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
three and a half years on i personally havent felt any need t be with anyone else.i know this subject has arisen before.what i dont understand is that being with someone and being intimate just happens doesnt it?i dont understand why it would have to be planned and if you dont feel comfortable then surely it is not right for you at the moment. sorry for my bluntness i can only say what i feel.i hope wherever your new friendship leads it will be a happy one for you.
Posted on 27/07/2008 at 10:21 |
rebecca
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
hi k, I don't think this is a trivial worry at all. I don't have experience of a new relationship but hope that one day I will and I'm sure the same doubts, worries and concerns will go through my head.
I think you should not over process your feelings. If you are looking forward to the weekend away then go and let things take their natural course. If you are stressing about it then I think you should tell your "boyfriend". Sometimes over-thinking a problem just makes it worse and you go round and round in circles.
In my opinion inexperience is not a turn-off to a man. So, relax, if you like this man and want to spend the week end with him just enjoy it and let whatever happens happen. Perhaps it will be wonderful, I hope so.
Posted on 27/07/2008 at 10:36 |
tbd
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
I understand why you feel that you are inexperienced but you aren't at all. You have had a relationship which stood the test of time and sexually you matured within it. Experience is not a numbers game - you could have had 10 partners but have never truly understood any of them sexually. The most important thing is to build confidence between you and that will happen, given time and space to do it. Going away together does not mean that you have to have sex but it is a lovely opportunity to spend some time together and see how things develop.
Just my opinion but if you don't feel comfortable being naked with him, you're not ready to sleep with him so I think there are a few steps to go for you before you should be worrying about it. Take your time, if you like this chap - and it sounds like you do - or you'll frighten yourself.
Maybe because you haven't had lots of partners, this intimacy is more significant and again that is a great and wonderful thing.
I think you should talk to him about how you feel and I am sure you will find he is understanding. Then you can go away and enjoy yourself without this hanging over your head.
I'm only a few months in but there are people on the site who have got new partners and maybe able to reassure you more.
Posted on 27/07/2008 at 11:13 |
Lyndsey
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
I have been there and i was absolutely terrified. I was self-conscious about my body, especially as i have had children.
All I can say is you WILL get over the shyness. I thought i would plan exactly when it would happen but when it actually DID happen it was just natural.
That's not to say i dont understand how scary it is! I felt and still do that he is more experienced but thats ok if you love each other. But do tell him your worries, he will understand and my boyfriend said he actually liked the "chase".
You will look back on this in the future and laugh at how scary it all was.
Posted on 27/07/2008 at 12:08 |
J
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
I agree with Barbs - possibly you are not ready. I have met someone afte only 9 months and been with him for 2 months and can't wait to be intimate with him. He is very patient and totally understands how I feel. It is totally different to my husband and you have to separate the two. This is a chance for you to try and move on butI honestly feel you are not ready - aain sorry to be so blunt. It's just that I can't wait I don't think these things should be planned they should just happen when you are both ready. There is no timescale for it to be the right time just that if the man is worth having he will wait for you.
Posted on 27/07/2008 at 14:45 |
Anon
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
Hi Anon K
I have been in this situation & we talked about it that I had never been with anyone but my husband my new partner was the same we just took it slowly and on the night it happened it just felt so normal & the right thing to do. All I can say is if it doesn't feel right wait one day it will feel like the most natural thing to do.
I have done Anon as I know my family read this & they do not know all the details yet
Posted on 27/07/2008 at 16:55 |
mabe
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
Don't panic......that's the first step. If it doesn't feel right, don't have sex! He sounds like a nice chap and I am sure he will be fine with that. Maybe you feel obliged to be intimate because you have booked a hotel room.....well, see how you feel, maybe you could suggest that you just start off with a cuddle and see how that feels for you.
Right then, the whole nakedness issue...so many ways of getting around that one. Did you know that the famous actress and sex symbol marlene dietrich never went to bed naked with her lovers because she didn't like her boobs? She would wear a negligee or something.
Perhaps wearing some gorgeous underwear would make you feel really good about yourself...and it absolutely does not have to be tarty.
Then when and if you do decide to slip between the sheets you can do so in your lovely undies and slip em off under the duvet later. If you are wearing a dress, for instance, a lovely underslip with pretty straps maybe...i highly recommend real silk if you can afford it as it makes you feel sooooo good...and that's coming from a vegetarian!! I do worry about the silk worms but the amount of confidence i get from my little shorts and lacy vest from la senza is just too good to miss.
Hope you don't mind me being so candid, but these are tips that have worked for me.
Good luck, trust your intuition......and remember, if this chap is into you, he is going to think you are a goddess anyway. I read that somewhere..........
you will know if it's right xxxx
Posted on 27/07/2008 at 21:33 |
Brazen Hussy!
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
Having talked about the clothes removal issue with a widowed friend about two months ago and how neither of us felt that we could ever do that again, last month I did just that with abandon in front of an utterly beautiful man half my age. Never even thought about it. This is extremely abnormal behaviour for me but all I can say is that it felt absolutely right and I suspect that is the key. It needs to feel right.
Good luck,
x
Posted on 27/07/2008 at 21:40 |
Anon K
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
Thank you for all your replies, it's much appreciated especially Lyndsey and Mabe, what a wonderful idea and that's the route I'll take as I could do with some new nightwear.
K
xx
Posted on 28/07/2008 at 05:47 |
Andrew
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
Anon K, i'm tempted to be anon as this is a blokes view, i hope this helps.
I've been down this path myself when i met a widowed lady in late 2006, we started going out early 2007 so we are a year and a half on now and going well. I'm not going to be too candid but i think the advice above has been good but mixed. From my point of view there is no point in hurrying or the lady feeling under 'pressur'e' to 'do it', she should decide, we (men) should be patient. I always said to my freind that i didn't want to put a date on it as it created pressure.
Consequently we slept together a number of times before we finally got round to it. The closeness and intimacy of those occasions was fantastic and will live with me forever. I felt like i was 17 again (and at 44 that's not a bad thing)! We waited 5 months and it was fine wonderful, fantastic, even if the wait had been a little frustrating at times!
As for experince, this is entirely secondary in my book. Numbers of partners does not mean that they know any more than you do, i wouldn't worry about that.
And of course, everthing will be alright.
Posted on 28/07/2008 at 10:00 |
Hilary
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
Hi Anon,
Oh how I remember this well! I was at around the same point as you when I started 'stepping out' with someone, also widowed and realised that it was getting serious quite fast. If he is as lovely as he sounds, have a frank chat with him-I bet he's also pretty concerned too about it all.I did and we were as frank as anyone could possibly be. The gorgeous undies sounds good too(did that) and candle light is very forgiving and also very sexy. Enjoy your weekend for what it broadly is -tyhe chance to have some time alone with your chap. If it develops into something intimate then that's great and if it doesn't then that's OK too. As for being naked, he probably has just as many insecurities as you(apparently men do, not just us girlies). The first time I slipped between the sheets with my bit of stuff as my daughter called him-we had had the full and very frank chat, and were very close emotionally-I do remember thinking with my heart in my mouth that I was a grown and mature woman and surely I could conduct myself thorugh this! In the end, I think I stuttered the words, very drily-'Take me to bed' so he did and my God it was wonderful and has been ever since. We have now been married for 3 years(both 6 years post) and I know every single minute of the day how lucky I am, and I feel cherished.
Keep in touch, and let us know how you get on.Try to enjoy yourself too!
Posted on 28/07/2008 at 11:03 |
Christine (Ceebs)
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
I think you're correct, AnonK,
When it's right, it doesnt feel wrong, and doing what comes naturally just happens.
I had all the same worries and hang-ups as you, and in the event, I never gave any of them a second thought. Remember you are not inexperienced. Like many of us, you just gained all your experience with one partner. All that matters is that you take the time to learn a new experience togther, and it will be unique and special to just the both of you. If you don't feel you can share your worries with him about such an intimate subject, just be really sure that you're ready to be physically intimate. That was my yardstick; when I felt I could share my most innermost thoughts and worries with Himself, I knew I was ready to share a physically intimate relationship. I don't feel I could have one without the other.
Years ago, as a very shy, naive and inexperienced student nurse who was due to be married shortly, during a very quiet night-shift and thinking all the patients were asleep, I confessed my pre-nuptual nerves to a fellow nurse and was greeted with some incredulity and teasing at my lack of experience. My confession was overheard by a 90 year old lady who beckoned me over and I nervously went to her, expecting to be well and truly told off.
I was quite surprised when she began to tell me that in her youth she had been 'flighty' rebellious and shocking by the standards of the day. She went on to describe in detail a 'number of liasons' with a wide variety of gentlemen which made me blush profusely, and that's no mean feat. But she concluded by saying that the first time she made love with a man she was in love with, she was 'always a virgin all over again. And what a gift that was to give him, my dear'
Don't worry about being inexperience; just be prepared. Buy condoms, put them in your handbag, suitcase and bedside cabinet, and then forget about them until you need them. Try and let your fella know how you feel before the weekend, because I'm sure he has similar worries. Why should it be different for the guys however experienced or otherwise they are?
Hope the weekend goes well.
Christine x
Posted on 28/07/2008 at 11:54 |
TA
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Re: Resurrecting intimacy
I too had your doubts about my body and how my intended lover was going to view it. In my case the most important thing was to feel good about myself by wearing the right underwear and top clothes that made me feel sexy and the rest just follows naturally. I think it is important to point out that the first time (like the very, very first time you lose your virginity) may be a little disappointing as tension will be high and it can be a little hard to let go of those pent up emotions, but losing your 'widow virginity' is invigorating as long as it is with the right man.
Just remember, none of us are perfect under those clothes including your partner and it's what's inside that counts.
Good luck and enjoy!!!
Posted on 28/07/2008 at 19:51 |
