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Topic: Another new one!
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Nick A
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Another new one!
Hi all
I have just found this site and being a new widow thought I would come and say hi. Having read the posts it seems amazing to me that the grief seems to last so long. I don't think I realised that this would be the case.
My wife died 2 weeks ago yesterday after a long battle with cancer. She was such a strong woman that it seems amazing that it finally beat her. We went to America to a wedding and to see her family. 3 days after we were back she died. It was so quick. I think the journey was just too much for her frail body. Having said that we had a wonderful time together and it was so important to her. All the time in the USA I had to push her in a wheelchair and she said I was always so close that she found it wonderful. My only regret is that we didn’t take the children and as she deteriorated lots whilst we were away they were a bit shocked to see her when we got back.
My wife died whilst her mother and I were holding her hand in our own bed which I am sure she would have wanted. She died during the night and telling the children the next morning was the hardest thing I have ever done. They were so hysterical I thought I would never be able to console them. However the first thing they did was run to the bedroom and leap onto the bed. They really didn’t seem to care and just wanted to kiss her. Before she was collected my son sat on the bed for an hour and sang songs to her whilst holding her hand. It was lovely.
The funeral was amazing and I wanted to ensure it was a real celebration. Lots of people told stories and we had as many laughs as we did tears. We even got the children and their cousins to draw pictures of what was special to them and come to the front of the church to share them with everyone……
Sorry I am rambling on. It is hard for me to explain how I feel at the moment. I think I may still be in the “bubbleâ€. I am still surrounded by family and friends and they are, between them trying to ensure I am on my own as little as possible. It seems to be working as I seem to be withit at the moment. I do not feel like crying lots and I don’t feel angry. What I do feel is just a numbness and emptiness that I cannot explain. I would give anything for my soul mate to return, sit down with a cup of tea and for her to yap in my ear and give me a list of jobs to do.
We were together for 14 years and married for just short of 11 ( anniversary in 2 weeks). She was my inspiration during this time and also my strength. She had a drive and determination that I do not possess. This scares me more than anything and I do not know how I will replace that “drive†for our children.
It’s funny because I sit here wondering when the bubble will burst and the real pain will start. I know that when I go upstairs in a few minutes I will spray her fleece with coco Chanel and just stare out of the window numb once again cuddling the fleece. Sleep will with be elusive. Yet I cannot really seem to cry or let out the pain I am feeling inside.
Sorry – I have said enough, but I look forward to speaking with you all via this site soon.
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 01:44 |
Christine (Ceebs)
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Re: Another new one!
So very sorry that you need to be here with us, Nick. My deepest sympathies to you and your families.
The numbness is something that we will all recognise here, and when it passes, we will still be here to offer support as you need it. Keep reading and posting, and someone, somewhere will be along to reassure. It really does help.
Try not to look too far forward at the moment, you have enough to cope with in the here and now. Rest and sleep when you can (I know! easier said than done with young children), accept offers of support and practical assistance, and just keep breathing in and out.
Take care
Christine
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 02:11 |
Sarahh
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Re: Another new one!
Sorry you have to be here Nick, please take each day as it comes. You will find strength from your children I am sure, try to get some time for yourself also.
Much love
Sarahh x
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 02:32 |
Jules
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Re: Another new one!
It is a beautiful way to die, in the arms of love.
My husband was also 'lucky' like this.
It is hard but I am glad that we had the warning of the cancer and we, like you, had the chance to make a few dreams come true.
Every person is different and we all grieve in our own unique way.
Its a dear price to pay but nearly all of us here are glad to have known this love even though the interest on the loan of our loved one is so dear.
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 07:52 |
Dave-T
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Re: Another new one!
Hi Nick,
Just to let you know that you are not the only bloke that uses this site. It has been a great help to me, and hope that you will find the same, you have at least found it early on which I didn't.
I'm Dave, and I am nearly 16 months down the road on this journey. I have 2 small boys who are 4 and 2 years old.
Christine is right in not looking to far ahead at the moment, you will need to take things hour-by-hour at the moment.
Keep reading, and posting when you need to.
Dave-T
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 08:18 |
Jenny K
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Re: Another new one!
Hi Nick
I am so very sory for your loss and I can only echo the advice given by the people before me, take it one step at a time and know that there will always be someone here to offer suppport when you need it.
I lost my husband to cancer and this site, and the wonderful people who use it, has been a lifeline to me.
Jenny K xx
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 08:46 |
Hilary
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Re: Another new one!
Hello Nick,
Sorry we have all had to meet like this, but glad you have found us. Take a day at a time, accept all those offers of help and be kind and gentle to yourself and youe children.You may find that as your wife had been so ill for so long that you were able to prepare in some way although it doesn't help I know really. Talk to her as you used to, and come and post as and when.
Take care
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 09:24 |
M
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Re: Another new one!
Hi Nick
In a sea of female postings there are a few of us guys here as Dave T says. (Mind, as you will know from being with what sounds a wonderful woman, they are always right!)
I am slightly further along the path, 6 mths in a few months time and I have comparisons with you; together for nearly 18 yrs, married for, well it will be our 15th anniversary on 14/8 and we have two young children. Also, it was 'C' that defeated my wife.
Don't be afraid of talking, sort out the good support and use them, the good ones are only too willing to offer again and again and no matter how confused, angry, sad and lonely you may feel at times, remember that the children, who your wife gifted you, will llok at you still as their rock and guider.
Take care
M
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 09:40 |
Julie Mann
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Re: Another new one!
Hello Nick, Im sorry that like me and others you have had to find this site, but as someone who is 6 months along this road I can only tell you what a support this site has been, sometimes just reading others posts helps with your thoughts and feelings of many.
I was surprised how long the numb stage lasted and somettimes even now it doesnt seem real, I lost Tony to acute pancreatitis in January and 5 days later gave birth to our baby girl, but sadly she only survived 6 days due to congenital diaphragmatic hernia. I think if I had felt the full force of what had happened it might have killed me too. It was a gradual thing and yes there were tears but it seems that as time has gone on they come more freely.
My little boy who is 3 has helped as without him I would have no reason to get up in the morning or do the shopping and cleaning.
I first posted here because I didnt know how to cope but have since found that is no magic potion that can fix it and its just some how muddling though and really doing things that bring you comfort. I spray Tonys clothes in his wardrobe with his aftershave and then hug his Arsenal tshirt which I never liked but now I love. As for Coco Channel it holds every good memory of going out with him so although I dont wear it every day now I open the bottle for a smell of lovely memories.
You will have so many beautiful memories of your wife and you will hold onto them forever, they will be a comfort to you, to have had such a wonderful woman in your life and to know love is something that has enriched your life, its just so sad that her precious life has been cut so short.
I hope you will keep posting as really does help.
Love, Julie x
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 10:08 |
Edwina
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Re: Another new one!
Hi Nick
Sorry that you have to be here but you will find so much comfort and strength in this site - knowing that others feel like you do helps enormously - I swear it has kept me sane.
I am now 5 months down the road and what you won't want to hear is that I am in a good place. Sadly, I am not but I am hopeful and know that one day I will be.
None of us should have to lose our loved ones and to have children involved is just so bloody hard - mine are 18, 16 and 9.
Keep reading here Nick and whatever you need to ask for - ask for it here - there is always someone who has felt it before you.
Take Care
Edwina x
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 10:09 |
JaneR
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Re: Another new one!
Hi Nick, I'm one of the "oldies" on this site and will have been widowed 3 years in September. I found MW about 5 weeks after Andy died and I was just so relieved to find others in my situation who actually made me feel normal! As everyone else has said, take small steps for now, concentrate on yourself and the kids, that is what is important now.
If it's any help, I recall thinking that once I had reached one year, and I had done all the "firsts", it would be like a magical wand was waved and the grief would disappear and I would be "better"! It took me a while to realise that in that first year I had already started getting better, but what I had to realise was that I was having better "days" mixed in with the bad days. Eventually the gap gets longer between the bad days, and then the better days turn into better weeks etc, the only thing I find now is significant days will always throw me, ie, last day of primary school, first day of comp., birthdays etc, but even those aren't so hard to bear as they used to be.
Hold onto the memory of the better days when you have them, and know that you will have them again, even when it seems as if you won't.
My husband died of cancer when the kids were 8 and 4, and the one thought I held onto was my husband didn't give into despair, so if he didn't, then neither could I ... however much I wanted to xx
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 10:35 |
sophia
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Re: Another new one!
Dear Nick,
You are welcome on this site - although I wish you did not need to be here. Just a couple of thoughts:
1. Like you, I was amazed to realise that grief takes such a lot of time to work through. 16 months in I think I am doing much better but it has taken all this time and then some for me to make even modest improvements. The numbness and shock will probably wear off in time but this is an unpredictable process and you cannot measure yourself by anybody else.
2. Bereaved children need special care and it is not easy for the surviving parent to provide all they require. A good support network is crucial (but rare). I remember the horror of having to tell my girls their Daddy had died - it was absolutely the most devasting thing I have ever had to do. They did not say goodbye to him and we are all left with a 'waiting' feeling - waiting for him to return because we still cannot quite grasp that he will never return. There is not much to hold on to but do hold on to the memory of your son singing to your wife - it was his goodbye song.
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 10:47 |
linda
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Re: Another new one!
Hi Nick, so glad you found this site and so sorry you had to.
2 Weeks is so soon my friend, please dont look for any sense at this time.
The numbness is normal (check out Kate's book - its a godsend).
I didnt cry for the first 4 weeks after the funeral.
My husband Paul died 2 1/2 years ago when a van pulled out in front of his motorbike.
It was a sudden death but just the way he would have wanted, quick and without the pain.
Please for now try to
Endure the feelings - whatever and whenever they come
Eat a little and drink something (sweet tea was my tipple)
Sleep where and when you can - dont worry about getting the 8 hours a night stuff
Keep posting on here if it helps. I used to post 2 times a day.
Yes the grief lasts for a while.
It took me 2 years to feel any kind of normal but I took a day at a time and never tried to rush things.
People may say the oddest things to you - please read the book again as it helps make sense of this journey.
Nick I know its early for you but I wanted, as an 'oldie' to say that it does ease over time, hard to believe I know but it does honestly.
Take your time my friend, no rush.
Cuddle those lovely lovely children.
Sending you friendship and strength
Linda x
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 16:51 |
emk
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Re: Another new one!
Hello Nick,
Sorry you had to join us. Like yourself I found this site about 2 weeks after my husband died in June from cancer.
The numbness for me lasted for nearly three weeks and I was surprised at the great waves of exhaustion I experienced. I slept a lot which was a blessing. Once that period wore off I could not sleep and found this site particularly useful in the early hours of the morning.
If anyone had told me in the very early days that I would experience a period of calm I do not think I would have believed them. It was just so black and miserable and lonely. But the calm came and with it strength to start taking things forward.
Love to you and your family.
Morag
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 18:36 |
Lisa
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Re: Another new one!
Dear Nick,
I am so, so sorry for you loss and so sorry that you have had to join us on this site.
I am coming up to two years since the love of my life died from pancreatic cancer. We were together 17 years and he too died in my arms. I was left with two small children, then aged three and 11 months.
For a while I felt nothing but numbness - it was like a giant comfort blanket that got me through the funeral and the weeks that followed. Sadly the reality does eventually kick in and then the tears will fall.
However, little by little you start to heal, the pain starts to ease, you laugh like you used to and life goes on.
It's a hard road and we are all here to help when you need us to. But it is a road you will survive.
Much love to you and your precious children - they will be your lifeline on a million occasions over the coming years, just as mine have.
Take care,
Lisa xx
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 20:42 |
Denise J.
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Re: Another new one!
Hello Nick
I am so very sorry for your loss but glad you have found this site early on. You'll find comfort and support, there is always someone here to reply. My husband died very suddenly 5 1/2 months ago and I felt quite numb in the early weeks and didn't find this site until early May but I've found it a life line, along with the support of my two grown up children. It still doesn't feel real sometimes as his death was so sudden, but those further on in this difficult journey say it does get better. I was reading and sometimes posting 2 or 3 times a day initially and it helped me get through those early dark days.
Look after yourself and your lovely children, accept all the help you are offered and take each day at a time.
Take care
Posted on 29/07/2008 at 20:43 |
Celia P
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Re: Another new one!
Hello Nick
Nothing new to add, just sending love and thoughts, hang in there and keep posting - however you're feeling someone here will understand. Your wife would be very proud of you for getting through the first dark days and you will find a way of being dynamic for your children when it's necessary. For now, just cuddle them.
Love
Celia P
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 06:11 |
ChrisJ
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Re: Another new one!
Hi Nick,
I am sorry for your loss.
I also lost my wife to cancer (after a brave 8 month battle). I have 3 sons of school age. I was also holding her hand when she took her last breath.
You have done the right thing in posting here and I hope that expressing your story will help you as much as it helped me when I did it. Grief is very individual and has different affects for everyone. Life also changed and it became surreal and weird as we try to make profound adjustments.
Concentrate on the now. As others have said - It's a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, existence. Take comfort in the happy sadness of your memories. Don't worry about rambling or your bubble bursting. Numbness is also a type of pain.
Take care and keep posting.
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 10:06 |
Irene
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Re: Another new one!
Hi Nick
Sorry you had to join us but welcome. Glad you found this site it has been a blessing to me don't know how I would have got this far, almost 2 years, without it.
My darling died 3 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. I got my strength from my Husband but almost 2 years on I'm doing not bad.
Keep coming to the site whether you post or not as words of others may reflect how you feel or help you.
Take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself.
Hugs
Irene
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 10:31 |
heather
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Re: Another new one!
Hello Nick,
Sorry to hear that you have lost your wife. I lost my husband to cancer 9 months ago.
this is an awful journey but you have found such a wonderful site. It is a lifeline for us all.
I send you peace and strength. Like everyone says take things very slowly.
Heather x
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 12:16 |
