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Topic: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
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Lynda
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Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
So many of the postings on this site express our pain and surprise at (1) the depth and length of our grief, and (2) the incomprehension of others at how long we acutely grieve.
The latter is shown in so many ways. Not least in the silence from friends following their initial concern for us, and often the incomprehension of employers that we are not ready to nuckle down to work after a month or so. Some have suggested that this is a revelation of those who are not true friends. I would like to suggest an alternative: that the vast majority of those who have not lost their partner have absolutely no comprehension that we do not 'get over it' after several months. I know that until I lost my partner of many years I would probably have held exactly the same opinion. I had absolutely NO conception of the depth and length of this grief. So why should we expect them to understand?
But from our point of view, it impacts on so many aspects of our life: our work and our relationships with friends and family. My feeling is that by merely accepting the status quo in respect of most people's understanding of grief, we are doing a dis-service to all those who unfortunately have to follow after us.
Isn't it about time we put our voices together and did a little educating? Yes, this wonderful website of Kate's is a lifeline - and certainly has been to me. But surely we as a group can do even more? Apart from a couple of older relatives who have lost their nearest and dearest, NONE of my friends or work colleagues have any real conception of what I am going through or how very long this process takes. Yet they are all lovely caring people, who would be devastated and act very differently if they did understand.
So why can we not find a way to explain to 'them', in the widest sense, so that those coming after us can benefit from a greater understanding and sympathy?
I'm not really sure that I know where this post is going. Apart from the fact that I am - yes, for the first time, I am ANGRY, that (1) we weren't warned and (2) other people do not know what our grief is really like.
In this day and age of immersion in the psychology of trivial everday problems the ignorance about grief is almost ludicrous. I for one want to shout it from the roof tops - Hey, this is bloody HELL, it's probably about the worst thing you could ever experience in your entire life and it goes on seemingly FOREVER; NO, we don't feel better after a couple of months - in fact that's when we need the most care and attention.
Is there anyone out there who would like to join me in finding a way to educate the general population in the realities of widowhood? These specialist websites are wonderful forums, but they don't do that particular job. I'm willing to put time and effort into this, but it would be good to have some colleagues. I have a few PR contacts which might be a good starting point.
Is anyone else up for the challenge?
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 03:03 |
Lisa
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
Yes, Lynda!
I have had these same thoughts! And then dismissed them as irrevalent--no one who has not experienced this could even imagine what we are going through--or they would be helping us. The human race is not that uncaring.
I wonder if even those who have gone through it must forget how horrible it actually is (similar to forgetting the pains of childbirth and having another baby????).
I would love to help you! I even suggested to my local Hospice that the grief group should write "Ways to help a Friend Through Bereavement" and send with the 'Thank You notes" for donations. No action, so far. I thought this to be a way to educate people about bereavement. I readily admit that I knew nothing about grief before my husband died. It is by far the most horrible event in my whole life. Anything I can do to help--count me in.
Lisa
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 04:57 |
Celia P
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
I'll help you in any way I can - you can get my email from Kate if you need it. This would be a brilliant way to put some of our long-term experience of grief to good use for people in the future, I'm at 22 months now. Well done you!
Love
Celia P
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 05:55 |
Becs
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
Great Idea.
In the same way Kate has produced two books, with various chapters on how were are likely to feel, would it be beneficial to have something which explains how we are likely to feel and how would be best to help, with each stage of our grief and with each aspect of the practical side of things. A kind of 'Death and how to help someone survive it.
I think there is enough shared experience on the website to produce a fairly comprehensive guide.
Admittedly, there are few people who may want to read a whole book, so a leaflet may be a good idea - or even a separate website.
Sounds like a plan, stan. I mean Lynda!
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 07:03 |
LesleyP
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
Yes, I would be hapy to help in any way possible. I am constantly amazed at how little I knew about what widows/widowers go through. Before it happened I had no idea how long and painful the process is.
L
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 08:15 |
Sue W
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
Hi Lynda,
You have echoed comments/thoughts that I have been expressing - less eloquently - for some time now. I absolutely agree - we do have to educate people. It is no good grizzling about their attitude/behaviour towards us and not helping them to understand. To this end I have now started to do this with people who go blundering into areas that they are ignorant about. It isn't easy and some don't like it but even they learn from the experience that they need to be a little more careful what they say. So, count me in.
Forget sex, politics and religion. Bereavement is the only taboo subject of the 21st century.
Sue
x
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 08:48 |
Lesley B
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
Hi Lynda
I understand the sentiment and the intention - I just doubt that it would reach the right audience. Yesterday a friend told me that she had watched a documentary about young widows but turned off before the end as it was too sad.
People don't always wan't to look into the future - especially as it's black.
I am 52 - my MiL is 78. If she were to sit me down and tell me how painful and life limiting old age can be I would try to change the subject. Not because I think it won't happen to me, it probably will. But I don't want to be faced with doom and gloom before I need to. Very much a case of crossing that bridge when you come to it.
There is certainly a need for a practical guide, on funerals, benefits, life assurance companies - one of our number is working on a website now.
Also, people's circumstances are very different. I went back to work soon after and was very supported. Did I set the tone for other people where I work - well Lesley came back, why can't you. I hope not.
We weren't warned - but would we have heeded the warning? Who can put their hand on their heart and say they would have listened to the widow/er who told them how awful their life had become, how they missed their partner, how the rest of the world didn't understand. Yes, it's true - but I would have shied away.
The only thing I can do for those coming behind is be there. Lead by example, admit that there are bad times and that eventually they ease. Talk about the practicalities in every day conversation - mention the battle to get his name taken from mailing lists in the same conversation that someone moans about the dustman - every day stuff.
Sorry if I am putting a dampner on a good idea but it's another perspective. Good luck in your endeavours
Take Care
Lesley
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 09:10 |
PipsG
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
Yes, I wholeheartedly agree. There is counselling for many things; self-help books printed on many subjects; many on the "buzz" subjects. But not very much on the grief of widowhood.
I wonder if its because it is expected to happen to around half the population that it is taken for granted.
I would be up for joining a "campaign" to make people aware of how it is.
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 09:22 |
sophia
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
I agree that it is not likely that people will listen - there have been some interesting radio and TV programmes about being widowed young but we are simply too few (I think the figure is about 38000 'young' widows (below 45 yrs old). In my view, the place to work is within schools - the general 'lifeskills' curriculum now contains reproductive health & birth, personal finance, citizenship - it could be adapted to include bereavement. Another area to work would be in workplace policy development - many employers will not have bereavement policies & they need them in order to develop a greater understanding of how to assist their employees.
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 10:21 |
Maria C
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
Hi
I could help with advice etc if you're looking for press coverage as I'm a journalist. But to be brutally honest newspapers and mags want a happy ending. You could tell it how it was during the bleak times but they'd want an upbeat ending, of finding new love or something.
One idea might be to come up with some kind of guide and then use an individual involved in compiling it to tell their own personal story to promote the guide and then they can explain why they felt it needed to be written.
I'd be happy to help in any way - by all means email me.
I'm at nine months and afraid I haven't got my own happy ending yet!
Maria C
(posted as M before but thought I'd switch to avoid being mixed up with the male M!)
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 10:22 |
marje
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
I'm also a journalist and I agree with Maria. Not only do papers and magazines want happy endings, they often would want some kind of topical angle to hang the story on (celebrity lost partner etc) before they would consider it, sadly. But you might find some mags might consider a feature about a guide with a personal story to go with it, as someone else said. People's vulnerabilies need to be protected, too.
I would be happy to help if you need me.
I am going to speak to medical students in the hospice my husband died in, they go there as part of their training, I've contacted a doctors' palliative care association to try and speak to their members about my family's experience, as well. I wasn't very happy with the way some of the doctors treated us, and if I can educate some of the ones coming up, or make them think, I will be happy.
Good luck
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 10:34 |
heather
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
Hi Lynda,
Great idea. I can't really elaborate on what everyone else has said. count me in though. I'd love to be of any help I can.
Well done that woman !!
Love
Heather x
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 12:10 |
PTP
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Re: Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
I agree. Am new to site but an old timer . Just passed five years and back from a few days away and still found sitting in a cafe in the sun very hard alone, and wishing I was with my lovely man. Was bad this year as due to leap yearsthe anniversary was for the first time on the same day, as in 2003,if that makes sense.Re-living events on the right day,adds another unexpected dimension. br br But still there is sadnessand loss even though it is now ancient history to others. br I haven't posted before as I seem so much further on in time than others but still feel isolated as I know no-one similar in this experience. br br But Lynda, I think it is a great idea and another way of finding a positive in this unwanted situation. br br All best wishes to all of you. PM
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 14:58 |
Chrissie
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
Hi Lynda
I absolutely agree - would love to be involved in producing some kind of information to help educate people - I went into Waterstone's a few weeks after my husband died and was shocked to find only one book on bereavement (and not very helpful) amongst the thousands in the shop. At six months now, quite a few people have expressed surprise that I am not over it yet!! What!!
You can get my e-mail from Kate if you want.
Best wishes
Chrissie
xx
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 17:30 |
rachel
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
I think it's a fantastic idea and would be happy to help.
I've also worked in magazines for 10 years as a graphic designer, so could also help from that point of view too.
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 21:28 |
Lynda
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
Hey, what a great response! It's so good to hear that so many of you are up for cracking this ignorance - that I was certainly part of until I lost my darling man. What some of you are already doing/have attemtpted to do is wonderful, e.g. Lisa and Marje with hospices.
It seems to me that the problem is that all the literature and publicity is aimed at those who have lost rather than those who could support - which needs a different approach. Mag articles incorporating well-known personalities or a personal story publicising a guide, maybe literature targeted at HR depts of companies and even simple guidelines on how to help (and how long the process is) for funeral directors to offer at funerals (is that too off the wall?) might all be a useful way to communicate.
I'm attempting to get in touch with a good friend who is a PR expert in order to put together some ideas. Will post a list of ideas when I've managed to speak to her - which perhaps we could then all add to and see if we could take it from there?
Let's tell it like it is!
Love
Lynda
Posted on 30/07/2008 at 22:11 |
Trish (Liz)
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
Dear Lynda....I am too coming up to 5 years.....and, as others, would never have thought that grief could "hang on" for so long.
My grief prompted me to write some poems, which you would be more than welcome to use if you think they could be of benefit in conveying some of the varying emotions we experience... I have posted most of them on this site....You could try "Perceptions".
If you are interested, ask Kate to give you my e-mail address, or you could find it on widowhood.
Take Care, Lynda,
Much love,
Trish x x
(my access to computer is limited at the moment )
Posted on 31/07/2008 at 09:59 |
linda
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Re: Isn't it time we took the initiative to explain our pain?
Hi Lynda, count me in. I remember wanting the funeral director to enclose with each order of service a list of things people could do to help.
I also wanted to put a list at my front door so that visitors on their way out could cross off a chore etc to help me.
However I got the feeling from others around me that this would not be the right thing to do.
So yes I would like to put my ideas into this wonderful plan.
Linda x
Posted on 31/07/2008 at 10:43 |
